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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Does he still like me

58 replies

Confuddledandclueless · 13/07/2023 15:23

I left my ex because he was being immature and just wasn't treating me right. Since then he's been texting me saying he gets why he upset me, thst I'm lovely, amazing, how he enjoyed being intimate with me and its confusing. He also insists on helping me with things like my car. I haven't seen him since the split no kids but being around him makes me feel anxious as he constantly out me down and now he's being nice.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 15/07/2023 17:38

Yeah you've just always got to be on your guard. They're perfectly capable of playing the nice guy early on.

Some of them love bomb. Eg: it's a whirlwind early on. And maybe full of compliments. Gifts. Them spending LOTS of time with you. And texting constantly when they aren't with you. Its really too full on and too fast but we don't see it becayse we're smitten. So if he did that then now you know that was a red flag too.

Pinkbonbon · 15/07/2023 17:43

Basically if it feels like they are putting you on a pedestal OR the opposite, like they expect you to be greatful the almighty them has chosen you. It's a red flag.

Original poster
Confuddledandclueless · 15/07/2023 18:55

Hw definitely put me on a pedestal at the start. Couldn't do enough for me, very loving and romantic. It was when I said it was eating too smothering me started to become unpleasant at times. I would et blocked, ignored etc. If he didn't like something I said (nothing nasty but just he didn't like it) I would endure the silent treatment. I really liked who I thought he was I don't know why he couldn't be normal and if he wanted something different just don't be with me? He criticises me for not being civil qnd that I was looking for any excuse to split when jn fsft it was the opposite: I was looking for any sign of the nice him to stay.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 15/07/2023 22:10

It's like falling for an actor because of a character you see them portray.

It's hard to come to terms with it not having had being real.

AngleofTheNorth · 16/07/2023 11:57

^ That's very true.

Notice how everything he says is about YOU doing everything wrong @Confuddledandclueless . He'll never take responsibility for anything.

Don't doubt yourself.
Don't believe a word he says.
NEVER trust him.

if he wanted something different just don't be with me?

It's not you. He will behave like this with every woman he ever dates. Guaranteed.

Original poster
Confuddledandclueless · 16/07/2023 16:15

Thats so true. The "I'm sorry if I had known you were so insecure, if you had just told me etc". I am not insecure and should not have to tell my partner I don't want to know who he fancies and hear him bragging about girls he says tells him he's a catch and they always fancied him. Even when I told him he ignored. It was like at six months in when I first told him he was suffocating there was a switch and he went from sweet to indifferent. And that me having male friends means it's okay for him to do this??

OP posts:
cassiatwenty · 16/07/2023 16:29

Pinkbonbon · 13/07/2023 16:27

Also, just because I heard someone say it the other day and I think it's great advice - never marry someone you wouldn't like to divorce.

I think its good applied to relationships too.
If you think someone would be a bastard in a divorce, they're probably not someone you want to get involved with.

If someone feels...dangerous. Or like they're going to be trouble... it's because they are. And it's best to avoid people like that.

Omg @Pinkbonbon, good advice, never thought about it before but it makes sense

Are there no abusive men out there? MN is killing my dreams of getting married to a soccer player and being a WAG

What's the difference between a normal fight/row and emotional abuse? Genuine question. I shan't date again if they are all like this 😥

cassiatwenty · 16/07/2023 16:30

(@AngleofTheNorth I love your nickame)

doingthehokeykokey · 16/07/2023 16:37

Ha misunderstanding on his part how far he could push you. Bloody good save OP. Well done you. He is an abusive twat.

Pinkbonbon · 16/07/2023 16:53

No they're not all like this.
Not sure I'd go near a soccer player though lol...have a feeling they probably have a bit of a lads lads mysoginistic culture. Not that everyone will ve like that of course.

Imo when rows happen in healthy relationships - each person still cares about understanding the other persons view point. They want to understand, they ask questions and care about your responses. They look to make compromises, they care about your feelings. They don't accuse you of being crazy or oversensitive for wanting to be respected.

So even when there are disagreements, you never feel scared that this person might stop loving you. And you can rely on them to want whats best for you too. They don't turn things into a battle where there are winners and losers and they need to win. Instead they recognise your needs form part of the needs of the partnership.

There is no sulking or silent treatment.
No name calling or put downs.
And they can apologise when they make mistakes. They don't want to hurt you and if they have, they are genuinely sorry and never want to repeat the hurtful behaviour again.

If there are rows, thats what they look like in healthy relationships. Many relationships don't really include substantial arguments at all anyway. But healthy disagreements are find, so long as there is love and respect and these things carry through even when we are mad at one another.

Pinkbonbon · 16/07/2023 17:03

Basically, in a healthy relationship, even when you argue, you still feel like you are friends and like you are both on the same team.

cassiatwenty · 16/07/2023 18:10

@Pinkbonbon Thank you for this x

Original poster
Confuddledandclueless · 16/07/2023 19:55

I had silent treatment anytime I brought anything up. I never raised my voice, name called, was never physically tsically or mentally violent. He said I was abusive and controlling when I said I was sick of his comments about women. I still feel low and I still miss him. Part of me wishes he was the nice man I tight he was and we could have thst again. Its hard breaking away.

OP posts:
AngleofTheNorth · 17/07/2023 09:37

He said I was abusive and controlling

Their accusations are admissions. They very often accuse you of doing to them what they're doing to you.

Have you heard of trauma bonding?

Watchkeys · 17/07/2023 10:26

He said I was abusive and controlling

The thing is, if he really thinks that, why hasn't he decided to leave the relationship? Why is he choosing to stay with an abuser and make accusations? 'If you think I'm abusive, it's best I leave, for both of our sakes' is your only answer, here.

The fact that he chooses to stay with what he considers to be an abuser is a very clear indicator that he has no idea how to take responsibility for his own happiness, or to lead a healthy relationship.

It's either that, or he's lying to make you feel shit.

Either way, he's painting himself into a corner, where he stands alone and dumped.

Original poster
Confuddledandclueless · 18/07/2023 13:46

What is trauma bonding?

OP posts:
AngleofTheNorth · 18/07/2023 17:05

It's probably what you're feeling right now, it's the feeling that you're missing your abuser, the fact that you're finding it hard being away from him. Well I suppose all break ups are hard but leaving an abuser can be especially hard because your head has been well and truly fucked for all the time you were with him.

Flowers
Original poster
Confuddledandclueless · 20/07/2023 09:38

The makes sense because I do feel like that. Miss him a lot. He's made no effort to bypass being blocked so I hope he loves me be now.

OP posts:
Seaoftroubles · 20/07/2023 10:07

OP these types always are perfect at the start. That's how they reel you in.

Pinkbonbon · 20/07/2023 11:32

They don't love anyone. It's not in them.

Sometimes some of them form intense infatuations but it doesn't last. Then they devalue you and eventually would discard you. That's how the cycle goes.

If you get rid of them first they may try to chase you. But that's so they can 'win'. Which involves reeling you back, treating you even worse than before and then usually being the one to dump you, in the worst way they can think of. It's certainly not love.

Other times if you dump them, they convince themselves it was them who dumped you anyway. Probably smear you to other people and tell them you're crazy ect...

Trauma bonding is like...when you're with them it's a roller coaster so you never know how you're going to feel any given time of the day. They make you really stressed or anxious and your body releases stress hormones. But when they are calm/being pleasant you can relax a bit...though you're probably still on edge. And when they leave your body has no idea when to release those hormones. So you're off the rollercoaster but you still feel on edge. Because your internal clock was sorta governed by what mood they were in before. And now you are out it can take a bit to readjust so you don't feel anxious or panic-y all the time.

With trama bonds - the abuser causes the stress but we also look to them to resolve the stress. It's like being hooked on a drug and then having to go cold turkey to get off it.

But your system will readjust. Usually takes a few weeks, sometimes a little longer. Things like yoga or going jogging might help speed up the process.

Original poster
Confuddledandclueless · 20/07/2023 13:36

I just want it to stop hurting now. I'm worried as I had a missed royal mail delivery and since being blocked he's trying to contsct me thst way now. I won't know who it's from until Saturday.

OP posts:
Original poster
Confuddledandclueless · 20/07/2023 13:39

I definitely felt stressed with him. I felt I couldn't open p to him anymore as it was always used against me later on and he says I need professional help and he's been so nice and I forget about that. I'm possessive, crazy, need help but I'm lovely, amazing and should be proud of myself too.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 20/07/2023 14:13

It doesn't matter if the delivery is from him. What difference will it make to anything?

Pinkbonbon · 20/07/2023 14:22

Just refuse it if its from him.

It'll be something to try con you back probably.

Jongleterre · 20/07/2023 14:23

The key here is that you left him because of who he is.

He can't have that and is playing a game of Mr Nice Guy to get you back to stroke his huge ego and as soon as you're back with him he will revert to his true self again of being a cunt.