Love him but can’t take on another child

[CoveredWindows]

I met a man last year who is really perfect for me in so many ways. The sex is incredible, he’s supported me through a tough time, he’s great. I’ve never felt this way about anyone.

But. He has a child, and has them all the time due to circumstances. (This was different when we met) It means that I very rarely see him without the child, even when I don’t have mine. I have also had my XH’s child since they were young, and another child of a family member, as well as my own child. All of them are older than his.

I find we can’t go on nights out or holidays, even a weekend away seems impossible. I’m happy to see him and child, but not every time. I want adult time after all these years, nights out and trips.

Is there any way this can work?

Nope, they come as a package and you don't want that.

How old is his child?& yours? Does the child live with him or 50/60 or what?

So you already have three children that live with you?

They’re a package. Just like you and yours are.

Only you can decide if this is a dealbreaker but children don’t stay children forever.

No, I have one that lives with me, I’m quite old. I just feel I’ve parented and rescued, and really don’t want to start with another pre teen in difficult circumstances.

then it’s years until we could be together and do things and my life is on hold again

I don’t blame you. You’ve done your bit.

Ahh that does change things then.

Its sad, but you are allowed to feel that way.

His child is with him full time now.

It doesn't sound like it can work op. You want a lifestyle that he can't share with you right now and you don't want to compromise.

Aw OP you sound brilliant. I'm sorry.

I know. It makes me sad.

I’m happy to compromise a bit, but not to the exclusion of pretty much all adult time. I’m fed up of lonely weekends and holidays when my dc is away

He’s so lovely too.

Plus I know that I’d be really good for them (cos all my previous responsibilities!) But really really need time for me

OP 🥺💜

I'll have him you don't!

I was sold on the good sex bit

I was considering just saying let’s just do the sex bits 😂

That’s sad OP but the chances are that you’d end up resenting the situation and potentially wishing you’d walked away (despite how nice he and his child are).

You clearly know that you need more than he can give and you’re in no way unreasonable for that.

It sucks to lose someone because of circumstance but it wouldn’t be true to your needs to continue

I have been a stepparent before (we split once she reached adulthood) and I will never, ever do it again and I love my DSD to pieces and she often spends Christmas/Easter holidays with me. I gave far too much of myself to parenting her and it zapped energy from me that I'll never regain.

I would like to know who I'd be now if I hadn't been a stepparent.

I think it is hugely self-aware that you know what you can/can't manage. I will only get involved with men in future who are childless or their children are adults.

@ricekrispi that resonates.

I got together with him organically, as it were, not an app, ironically as I filtered anyone with young DCs. But we just clicked, it’s like a book or a film.

Sigh. Wrong time

Nope your incompatible I'm afraid, they come as a package, if you date someone with young children then you need to be prepared to go out on family days out, family holidays and eventually live together as a family, for many this is a deal breaker so don't get involved in the first place

No it won’t work if you expect him to put you first, which you do

where exactly would his child go so you can have time together!

Ahhh you defo need to stop seeing him. It's a shame but you really do. He won't ever be able to commit to you how you want.

In my defence, things were different when we started seeing each other. Long story, nothing to do with me. But he had the odd night, or weekend free.

I’m not a monster, of course his child comes first, as does mine! I’m really good at doing activities and stuff, but it’s difficult to sustain a relationship with really no adult time.

I fear it will lead to like it was when I was married, with responsibilities and no fun.

I really know the answer here (years of therapy😃) and setting it out here has shown that.

thanks all

I have to say I’d feel the same; I’ve brought up a child who isn’t mine and she’s brilliant but there’s some real highs and lows and I just wouldn’t want to do it again.
I think keeping it casual is the only option but really you probably need to split for both your sakes as one or both of you is likely to get hurt and it’ll be worse the longer it goes on