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Original poster

Love him but can’t take on another child

69 replies

CoveredWindows · 12/07/2023 22:10

I met a man last year who is really perfect for me in so many ways. The sex is incredible, he’s supported me through a tough time, he’s great. I’ve never felt this way about anyone.

But. He has a child, and has them all the time due to circumstances. (This was different when we met) It means that I very rarely see him without the child, even when I don’t have mine. I have also had my XH’s child since they were young, and another child of a family member, as well as my own child. All of them are older than his.

I find we can’t go on nights out or holidays, even a weekend away seems impossible. I’m happy to see him and child, but not every time. I want adult time after all these years, nights out and trips.

Is there any way this can work?

OP posts:
Hollyppp · 13/07/2023 09:06

He doesn’t sound like the right man for you

SpringleDingle · 13/07/2023 09:10

I don't think you are being unreasonable. I have a DD age 12 and a boyfriend (we are 7 months into our relationship). I have EOW without my DD and every Friday evening without her. It would be very difficult to maintain and develop a relationship with my boyfriend if I had my lovely and easygoing DD full time. I know my boyfriend says that he doesn't mind if my DD comes along to things but it would be really hard.

I would not want another child in my life and it is a dealbreaker for me. It's a bit sad for you and him that this relationship won't work but I don't think you are being unreasonable to say this isn't what you want.

7eleven · 13/07/2023 09:40

How old is the child, OP? Is it not possible for babysitters to be used or other relatives? Kids can be left for a few hours when they’re about 14.

Do you want a life without this man in it, I guess is the question.

Tricky dilemma for you.

Familycourtdrama · 13/07/2023 10:09

Very sad but it sounds like you will be the one that needs to compromise as him and his child come as a package. I would let this one go OP, it's not going to work if it's not what you want.

Lovemusic33 · 13/07/2023 10:16

I have kind of been in your situation OP. My dc are older teens and I don’t really want to be in a relationship with someone who has young dc, I’m close to having my freedom and I want to enjoy child free adventures. I met someone online and he has 2 dc, one that lives with him full time and a very young dc that he see’s every weekend. I decided I didn’t want a relationship because of the dc (and a few other things), we have remained good friends but he often asks for more, I have explained that it will never happen.

Maybe this guy would be happy to continue with the sex and occasionally meeting up? But if that’s not going to work for either of you I think you just need to walk away. I think if your care about someone enough you will make it work somehow.

NoBrainer · 13/07/2023 10:39

I think it only works when you both have children and they are a similar age. You are at different life stages, it's your time now, you need to be focusing on you not taking on another child with possible issues. Maybe you can remain friends? I'd carry on looking for your perfect match though. I have experience of my ex marrying a person with no children which has resulted in him completely drawing away from our children, which is very sad. Also taking on my partner's children who come from a background of issues with their mother and has been really exhausting even though we all work as a family unit and they get on brilliantly with my DC. As much as you care for your DSC it's never the same bond as you have with your own, and if you have their other parent involved causing problems it makes it doubly hard. I would enjoy your time now and find someone with grown up children, you've earned it!

billy1966 · 13/07/2023 15:24

Pre teen means the best of ten years, a long time.

I think it is perfectly reasonable not to want to start the teen years again.

Raising children is exhausting.

Its sad of course as he sounds like a lovely man, however he comes attached and that understandably doesn't work for you.

Far better to know yourself and be honest, than to get involved and back away.

Original poster
CoveredWindows · 13/07/2023 20:10

Thanks all.

He is very committed to me, and would love family life, in his head at least! My ds is very chilled and they get on very well, but I find myself more and more in the mother role. I can be a bit of a saviour, so must stop myself!

if it wasn’t for our kids we’d run off to far flung parts, into the sunset. That part is very romantic. Plus he puts my bins out if he’s here.

Lucky I’m a wise old woman.

OP posts:
neilyoungismyhero · 13/07/2023 20:19

My relationship began like yours. Suddenly he didn't want to leave his son at home in the evening on his own - he was 15 - he wanted to be with me every evening so inevitably son came too. My children were tucked up in bed but we always had his son with us. I allowed myself to be love bombed and manipulated and bitterly regret it. Go with your instincts here.

TammyJones · 13/07/2023 20:38

I'd still go for it.

They are bits kids forever
We've been kid free for over 6 years now.
Just been away in the sunset.
(I still miss those little people - kids x)

TammyJones · 13/07/2023 20:38

**aren't kids forever

Suchab · 13/07/2023 20:49

Wouldn’t be for me. Once you are done with kids, you are done and once the honeymoon phase dies down it’s even more difficult.

liveforsummer · 13/07/2023 20:49

TammyJones · 13/07/2023 20:38

I'd still go for it.

They are bits kids forever
We've been kid free for over 6 years now.
Just been away in the sunset.
(I still miss those little people - kids x)

I'm with you, and at odds to everyone else it seems. My youngest dd is 10 so maybe a similar age and already is becoming quite independent so will stay over with friends, go out with her friends. Eldest dd is 13 and massively does her own thing. I actually wish I saw more of her 😆. This is less than a handful of years that he (not you) has to do hands on parenting then you have the rest of your lives!

isthismylifenow · 13/07/2023 20:51

I get you OP. I'm also older and wouldn't consider a relationship with anyone with younger kids. Mine are adults now and I feel I have done my time raising children.

Can you not continue to see each other on a more casual basis? It doesn't have to be all or nothing.

Theloosegoose · 13/07/2023 21:18

It's not fair on him or his child. You are entirely different phases of life.

And if it was a fella saying this about a woman he had met (great sex, but don't want the kid around, need time for me, boohoo etc etc) he'd be bloody slaughtered!

Original poster
CoveredWindows · 13/07/2023 21:28

@Theloosegoose most unfair. No boohoo here.

My point is that I need some time alone with him. I really don’t feel that’s unreasonable.

I’m fucking brilliant with his kid, and have already massively helped him with her. Because if my long experience of accidental parenting 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
CoveredWindows · 13/07/2023 21:30

It’s a struggle to see him casually because we are so smitten, and he never has free time

OP posts:
Daffodilwoman · 13/07/2023 21:36

If you can’t see him now and shin for nights out (and sex) then I would bin him off. Is he an older dad or something?

CrazyArmadilloLady · 13/07/2023 21:37

Theloosegoose · 13/07/2023 21:18

It's not fair on him or his child. You are entirely different phases of life.

And if it was a fella saying this about a woman he had met (great sex, but don't want the kid around, need time for me, boohoo etc etc) he'd be bloody slaughtered!

Not if he had a track record for stepping up in the way the OP has previous to this relationship. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I would never get involved with a man who had young kids. That probably makes me a monster to some. I’m fine with that.

Too many people sleep-walk into relationships that involve step-parenting and are not up to the job. At least I have the self-awareness to know I’m not.

The people most negatively impacted by sub-standard step-parents (which, TBH, is most of them) are the kids.

It’s only a small minority of truly good people (of which I’d suggest the OP is one) who do the job justice.

Original poster
CoveredWindows · 13/07/2023 21:53

I thought I’d been a bad stepmother, just cos I had no clue!. but must have done something right. As 30 year old as has turned to me about the breakdown of his marriage recently

i quit my career and took a different job to raise DN, 21, who is not easy, attachment/ASD Issues.

Not being a martyr, I love them dearly, as with ds.

Id hoped to see DP as one would with shared contact, it’s devastating for him and his dc what’s happened with his ex, and I know I could help, but I need to start living.

My childhood was spent taking care of ny dSis, dysfunctional parents etc. I sort of feel it’s now or never to see the world, eat the food, dance the dance

OP posts:
Original poster
CoveredWindows · 13/07/2023 21:54

And thank you for the nice comments

OP posts:
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 13/07/2023 21:56

Do you need to live with him right now?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 13/07/2023 21:57

CoveredWindows · 13/07/2023 20:10

Thanks all.

He is very committed to me, and would love family life, in his head at least! My ds is very chilled and they get on very well, but I find myself more and more in the mother role. I can be a bit of a saviour, so must stop myself!

if it wasn’t for our kids we’d run off to far flung parts, into the sunset. That part is very romantic. Plus he puts my bins out if he’s here.

Lucky I’m a wise old woman.

He does sound great!

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 13/07/2023 21:58

Also, have you asked him if you can have more time child free? Like perhaps a friend could babysit all of them at your house one evening a month for date night? Or sometimes kids could spend a weekend a grandparents if that's an option? When you go away could you go with another couple and take turns to babysit?

Before throwing in the towel I would brainstorm like this

CrazyArmadilloLady · 13/07/2023 21:59

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 13/07/2023 21:56

Do you need to live with him right now?

It’s not about living with him.

It’s about even being able to spend time with him.

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