Page 3 | Love him but can’t take on another child

CoveredWindows · 2023-07-12T21:10:44+00:00

I met a man last year who is really perfect for me in so many ways. The sex is incredible, he’s supported me through a tough time, he’s great. I’ve never felt this way about anyone. But. He has a child, and has them all the time due to circumstances. (This was different when we met) It means that I very rarely see him without the child, even when I don’t have mine. I have also had my XH’s child since they were young, and another child of a family member, as well as my own child. All of them are older than his. I find we can’t go on nights out or holidays, even a weekend away seems impossible. I’m happy to see him and child, but not every time. I want adult time after all these years, nights out and trips. Is there any way this can work?

Jammything8 · 13/07/2023 22:01

How old are you both OP? You've not shared these details so it's hard to say. From what I understand it sounds like the man has lack of support but what stands out is your wanting something much more which isn't wrong of you.

Dating with DC is never easy. Perhaps you could just be casual and enjoy the physical as long as you are open about it?

Original poster

CoveredWindows · 13/07/2023 22:04

@Unexpectedlysinglemum oh no, I wouldn’t live with him just now. My boy doesn’t need more drama! He’s had divorce and my dm to deal with. He and I rub along peacefully.

I’d just like more time. I’ve booked to go away when ds is with his dad; DP can’t come, it’s just a weekend, but he has no family and his erstwhile in laws are difficult, plus his dd doesn’t like to be away.

OP posts:

Original poster

CoveredWindows · 13/07/2023 22:05

I’m 54, he’s 48

OP posts:

billy1966 · 13/07/2023 22:11

OP, you are indeed wise to not want another decade of raising a child that isn't yours, at 54.

I am a several years older and it is tiring raising teens as you age, even the relatively easy ones.

Lovely and all as he is, it is a huge commitment.

When you are done, you're done.

Theloosegoose · 14/07/2023 11:18

The thing is you can't make the situation what it isn't. If that makes sense. You are, understandably, done with parenting. Bit he is not and he is in the thick of it. So when it comes to stepping up the relationship then it isn't going to work.

Jk987 · 14/07/2023 11:36

Something very difficult must have happened with the child's mum if the child has come to live with your partner full time... The child probably needs his dad more than ever.

It's a shame to leave the relationship when you have such a good connection though. It's hard to find a good match like that! What does he think?

Original poster

CoveredWindows · 14/07/2023 15:00

It is indeed a very difficult situation and very sad with the child’s mother. He has been the f/t parent but there was contact.

He’d really like the prospect of family life, although I’ve made it very clear that moving in is not on the cards. He struggles with some aspects of parenting and can see I’m good at it (I know I sound like a dick, sorry)

He hasn’t been through either his child’s adolescence, nor blending family, and just sees the nice bits. Sigh.

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billy1966 · 14/07/2023 15:11

I can well imagine the appeal to him of an experienced woman who has successfully parented her now older children.

But for you at 54 I see zero appeal.

It's not possible to be half in.

He would naturally seek out your opinion and advice, which would suck you in, despite your best efforts.

Fizzology · 14/07/2023 15:13

OP, so his child is 11 or 12ish?

It's really about what is enough attention or time with him. Whether an arrangement that meant the two of you could go out once a week, while he hires a babysitter, is enough for you. You're able to find time for sex (good for you!), but how much time would you ideally like?

Obviously you should not live together or anything that involved. You need to stay far enough out of the situation that you are not raising his child, not her stepparent.

But that child is maybe 4ish years from being able to be alone for an evening (and from preferring to be with her friends).

I don't know... depends if he's worth the sacrifice of keeping things separate and casual for quite a long while. And how much casual suits you right now.

CrazyArmadilloLady · 14/07/2023 21:11

CoveredWindows · 14/07/2023 15:00

It is indeed a very difficult situation and very sad with the child’s mother. He has been the f/t parent but there was contact.

He’d really like the prospect of family life, although I’ve made it very clear that moving in is not on the cards. He struggles with some aspects of parenting and can see I’m good at it (I know I sound like a dick, sorry)

He hasn’t been through either his child’s adolescence, nor blending family, and just sees the nice bits. Sigh.

Red flags all over, then.

He obviously really cares about, but it doesn’t read as if he wants you just for you (lovely as you obviously are).

He wants you to help parent his child.

So many women get sucked into step-parenting scenarios this way.

You’re 54 - of course you don’t want that. And of course he does.

beancount · 15/07/2023 01:27

billy1966 · 14/07/2023 15:11

I can well imagine the appeal to him of an experienced woman who has successfully parented her now older children.

But for you at 54 I see zero appeal.

It's not possible to be half in.

He would naturally seek out your opinion and advice, which would suck you in, despite your best efforts.

I'm afraid I agree with this.
Based on how much parenting you have done in your life, and how old you are, I would take your chance to enjoy life before you become a grandmother and it all starts all over again!

SD1978 · 15/07/2023 03:33

How old is his daughter?

lilymani · 15/07/2023 03:49

Think "not sure if I'm ready/want to parent" is vv different from "been there, done that (against my will somewhat), got the t shirt 3x".

The former is about possibly opening up due to new experiences of parenting (though commitment shouldn't be taken lightly). With the latter, it's the experience of child free life that you want to open up to! And you may not have a 2nd chance to do that as you're not getting much younger.

I do think it's a pity though. I'd love to say keep seeing him on a casual, light and fun basis, but realistically due to your experience you will probably fall into a parental assistance role. Again though it would be fab if you could actually keep it casual

LadyJ2023 · 15/07/2023 04:47

So you knew he had a child when you got with him and now your going to play with his feelings because his situation has changed. You really should have thought of that before starting anything. Your going to hurt someone because you've now decided its not for you should have thought of all the things can change possibilities before you started anything. I feel sorry for him, if you didn't want another child involved then you should never have got with him anyway!

CrazyArmadilloLady · 15/07/2023 04:50

LadyJ2023 · 15/07/2023 04:47

So you knew he had a child when you got with him and now your going to play with his feelings because his situation has changed. You really should have thought of that before starting anything. Your going to hurt someone because you've now decided its not for you should have thought of all the things can change possibilities before you started anything. I feel sorry for him, if you didn't want another child involved then you should never have got with him anyway!

His circumstances have changed, and even if they hasn’t - people are allowed to opt of, or change their mind about, a relationship at aaaaaaany point in time. Literally any point. For no reason, even. 🤷🏻‍♀️

SleepingUnderaRainbow321 · 15/07/2023 05:21

I think that it is OK to change your mind
It is OK to walk away & protect yourself

Sometimes life throws things at us that are unexpected that we have to navigate

I would start looking at booking yourself some holidays, weekend breaks with some friends or your family or plan some new adventures or hobbies

Original poster

CoveredWindows · 16/07/2023 19:39

So, food for thought.

I got together with him by chance, we were chatting but when we met it just clicked, totally unexpectedly. Then a terrible event happened in my life, and he was an absolute rock, did so much for me.

I’ve been absolutely clear with him from the start about the child thing. We were able to see each other more then, as I’ve said. The school holidays have made things very difficult and I think that’s focussed my mind on the issues.

in a romantic ending to my post, as luck would have it we’ve had a weekend alone. It’s been amazing, and I am going to do as suggested above, and keep seeing him (NOT ‘moving in!) and just try to ensure we get enough time to make it workable. He is just too good to lose

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7eleven · 16/07/2023 21:29

Lovely update. I’m glad. He sounds like a goodun.

WildUnchartedWaters · 16/07/2023 21:30

CoveredWindows · 16/07/2023 19:39

So, food for thought.

I got together with him by chance, we were chatting but when we met it just clicked, totally unexpectedly. Then a terrible event happened in my life, and he was an absolute rock, did so much for me.

I’ve been absolutely clear with him from the start about the child thing. We were able to see each other more then, as I’ve said. The school holidays have made things very difficult and I think that’s focussed my mind on the issues.

in a romantic ending to my post, as luck would have it we’ve had a weekend alone. It’s been amazing, and I am going to do as suggested above, and keep seeing him (NOT ‘moving in!) and just try to ensure we get enough time to make it workable. He is just too good to lose

Yayy!!