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Original poster

Affair/ sexual awakening

68 replies

confusedwife12345 · 12/07/2023 16:37

Hi everyone, 1st time posting here.
married for 13 years, together for almost 20 years. Husband very inexperienced and have ED the beginning and saw sex as not that important in the marriage. I’ve always been sexual but suppressed this for the “greater good “ of the marriage. Hence passion never really developed early on.
Fast forward to 2 children and all the responsibilities, our sex life was pretty non existent. Very scared to broach the subject of sex due to ED problems
He’s recently had an affair for 6 months, emotional and some physical ( no penetration) He’s now sexually awakened! The AP has made him have erections
Going through counselling who suggested that we can’t recreate passion that wasn’t there in the first place. We both love each other deeply though
We now have to decide whether we should stay together for the “greater good “ or explore our own sexuality outside the marriage. Some insight and advice please 🙏

OP posts:
Suchab · 12/07/2023 16:40

Personally I would split up because you are clearly incompatible and what a slap in the face that was for you! Doesn’t want and can’t manage sex with you but can with someone else. How do you know it wasn’t penetrative? If he was getting a boner with her, surely he would want to use it!

Nofreshstarthere22 · 12/07/2023 16:43

I’m not sure I believe the no penetration! And it doesn't really matter. You deserve someone who gets a hard on just looking at you, split and live life to the full.

Original poster
confusedwife12345 · 12/07/2023 16:44

I do believe that there was no penetration. I think he’s also worried about his ED problem when this is happening

OP posts:
cocksstrideintheevening · 12/07/2023 16:46

So he can get an erection with someone else but not you? Come on op, he's shagged her.

TheBellsToll · 12/07/2023 16:49

If you’re happy he fancies someone else and not you, crack on. And ‘no penetration’? I doubt that.

Grendell · 12/07/2023 16:52

He will explore his new-found sexuality outside the marriage whether you all agree to it or not.
If he becomes more sexual with you because of his turn-on with other women, that will feel bad, too.
It's a no-win for you.

hotinthesunwithcola · 12/07/2023 16:59

This reply has been deleted

This user is a troll so we have deleted their posts and threads.

Greenfree · 12/07/2023 17:00

I think of your both happy to have an open relationship then that's up to you. I find it strange his ED hasn't been a problem during the affair and the fact he's had an affair show there are deeper issues outside of sex.

Original poster
confusedwife12345 · 12/07/2023 17:08

There are other issues: polarity, communication etc. interesting thing is that I am going through hysterical bonding at the moment and we’ve had more sex in the last few weeks compared with the last few years! This is obviously not sustainable. Some sessions we used the blue pill to “help”, some sessions without.

OP posts:
Grendell · 12/07/2023 17:16

But doesn't that make you think you should send a Thank You card to the affair partner?

7eleven · 12/07/2023 17:32

I’m sorry, but this won’t end well.

Rainydays777 · 12/07/2023 18:00

Sorry but it sounds like he doesn’t fancy you and you seem completely unbothered by it. Bizarre.

wouldn’t you rather be with someone who fancies you and doesn’t cheat?!

Original poster
confusedwife12345 · 12/07/2023 18:14

Thank you, it’s always more complicated I think. Shall I throw away the deeper love we have and the life we built together? There was a stage in our marriage that I didn’t fancy him as well. Maybe I’m deluding myself?

OP posts:
Superdupes · 12/07/2023 18:17

confusedwife12345 · 12/07/2023 18:14

Thank you, it’s always more complicated I think. Shall I throw away the deeper love we have and the life we built together? There was a stage in our marriage that I didn’t fancy him as well. Maybe I’m deluding myself?

Where was the deeper love when he was having an affair with her? When you didn't fancy him did you go off and have an affair?

I think you are deluding yourself OP.

Allthecheeseplease · 12/07/2023 18:20

You don't have to answer this but as you mention "no penetration" and sexual awakening I am wondering if this affair partner was an S&M partner?

I know someone very close to me who experienced this. They were sexually incompatible because he was into S&M and his wife was - she discovered this through an affair. They split and are both happier (after a lot of counselling on his part)

Original poster
confusedwife12345 · 12/07/2023 18:26

I don’t know but the AP is of “lower” status and has stroked his ego enormously. He perhaps liked the dynamic of him being dominant to her?

OP posts:
MummyJ36 · 12/07/2023 18:46

Whoa whoa whoa. I’m sorry, he has ED but managed an affair? A sexual affair? Penetration or not it was an affair. Do you want to stay together? If not this is a very easy way to walk away. I’m sorry this would be absolute no for me.

7eleven · 12/07/2023 18:58

Not sure how deep his love goes, if he’s had an affair? Raise the bar for yourself, if you can.

Farmageddon · 12/07/2023 19:03

confusedwife12345 · 12/07/2023 18:26

I don’t know but the AP is of “lower” status and has stroked his ego enormously. He perhaps liked the dynamic of him being dominant to her?

What exactly does lower status mean? Is this just you trying to feel superior to her somehow?

Your husband chose to have sexual encounters with someone else, despite a claim to 'love you deeply'. That shows a weakness of character.

Most people would see what he did as a betrayal of trust, intimacy and your vows. You seem to want to gloss over it and blame her - she could be anybody, and may not have been the only one. What about the next woman that comes along? Will she stroke his ego too?

Rainydays777 · 12/07/2023 19:11

The ‘OW was trash (sorry - ‘lower status)’ and your love is somehow ‘deeper’ and special and worth saving. I guess it’s an interesting take!

So he can’t get an erection with you because he doesn’t feel superior to you? Your status isn’t as ‘low’ as the OW?

dear lord. Your husband cheated and can’t get it up when you try and have sex. It would be a hard no from me. Be with someone who desires you. And loves you enough to not disrespect you by having an affair.

Allthecheeseplease · 12/07/2023 19:23

confusedwife12345 · 12/07/2023 18:26

I don’t know but the AP is of “lower” status and has stroked his ego enormously. He perhaps liked the dynamic of him being dominant to her?

Possibly. When something "awakens" someone it can often be some fetish - be it dominance or similar. I know you havementioned in earlier posts you don't want to throw away years of love. Do you feel you are the one doing that though? The counsellor is also not wrong about recreated passion that never existed. That doesn't mean your love wasn't real - just not sexual and passionate. Real love exists in different forms. How has you DH been since the affair towards you? Is he concrite or does he view it an awakening too?

chocobaby · 12/07/2023 19:28

Wow 😮 can’t believe what I’m reading OP. The affair partner was of ‘lower status’ yet she gave him and hard on that you couldn’t give him for years?
Please stop the delusion and sign on the dotted lines to end this farce! He does not desire you! You’re both not compatible. You love each other deeply yet he has had an affair! That’s a slap on your face. Like I always say, love alone is never enough.
please go your separate ways so you can both find people who are more suited to you. This is only the beginning of a vicious cycle if you let it continue.

Original poster
confusedwife12345 · 12/07/2023 20:43

I don’t feel superior at all, quite the contrary. Definitely agree with the weakness of character

OP posts:
Original poster
confusedwife12345 · 12/07/2023 20:52

He is trying but confused as well.

OP posts:
TurnerP · 12/07/2023 21:33

R u OK becky

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