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Original poster

Affair/ sexual awakening

68 replies

confusedwife12345 · 12/07/2023 16:37

Hi everyone, 1st time posting here.
married for 13 years, together for almost 20 years. Husband very inexperienced and have ED the beginning and saw sex as not that important in the marriage. I’ve always been sexual but suppressed this for the “greater good “ of the marriage. Hence passion never really developed early on.
Fast forward to 2 children and all the responsibilities, our sex life was pretty non existent. Very scared to broach the subject of sex due to ED problems
He’s recently had an affair for 6 months, emotional and some physical ( no penetration) He’s now sexually awakened! The AP has made him have erections
Going through counselling who suggested that we can’t recreate passion that wasn’t there in the first place. We both love each other deeply though
We now have to decide whether we should stay together for the “greater good “ or explore our own sexuality outside the marriage. Some insight and advice please 🙏

OP posts:
Thisisworsethananticpated · 12/07/2023 22:18

Could you afford to seperate ? That’s the issue here too

do you want to stay with him ? Do you have a good friendship

and are you up for dating other men ?

i think you need to do alot of thinking and also think of your needs , in addition to family needs

Sarahbumdaa · 13/07/2023 01:26

I havent read all of the thread. But in your shoes I would dump him. No way in a million years would I believe a man whose had Ed, would get a hard on for an ap and not use it. Just remember all the years you went without, and he's got the brass neck to have an affair. No way get rid.

TurnerP · 13/07/2023 02:25

Maybe,
He met his soul mate?
The ap is younger, prettier?
Stayed together just for kids?
He thinks about her during sex with you?
How are you so sure there was nothing more?

Original poster
confusedwife12345 · 13/07/2023 06:40

Yes we can afford to separate. I want to make sure that we’re both sure before we decide. I’m not up for dating outside the marriage. We have a very strong friendship

OP posts:
Original poster
confusedwife12345 · 13/07/2023 06:42

TurnerP · 13/07/2023 02:25

Maybe,
He met his soul mate?
The ap is younger, prettier?
Stayed together just for kids?
He thinks about her during sex with you?
How are you so sure there was nothing more?

AP only a couple years younger. She is also married with kids!

OP posts:
WhatNoRaisins · 13/07/2023 06:50

Sorry if this is an intrusive question but was this a typical Western marriage where you got together because you met and were attracted, explored a sexual relationship and then got married or something like an arranged marriage?

I think if there was never a time where you worked well together sexually it's not going to get better now. If you were both happily sexless that's fine but he obviously isn't. If there's any future he needs to ditch this woman and you need to work out what you'd both be happy with in this relationship. That takes a lot of honesty which he might not be capable of.

Original poster
confusedwife12345 · 13/07/2023 06:53

WhatNoRaisins · 13/07/2023 06:50

Sorry if this is an intrusive question but was this a typical Western marriage where you got together because you met and were attracted, explored a sexual relationship and then got married or something like an arranged marriage?

I think if there was never a time where you worked well together sexually it's not going to get better now. If you were both happily sexless that's fine but he obviously isn't. If there's any future he needs to ditch this woman and you need to work out what you'd both be happy with in this relationship. That takes a lot of honesty which he might not be capable of.

It’s a western marriage. We had the attraction and passion but dampened down with the sexual inexperience and ED. We both don’t want to go back to the sexless marriage. The AP is not in the picture but she did awaken his sexuality.

OP posts:
ArcticSkewer · 13/07/2023 06:57

Plenty of arranged marriages work without sexual attraction to the partner ever really developing. The cornerstone is the concept of marriage itself - good sex is just a bonus.
I guess you can now decide if you are okay with that and whether your boundary is - no sex outside marriage (unlikely to happen), open marriage, don't ask don't tell.

doozledog · 13/07/2023 06:58

Oh goodness what a pig, so he has ED but he doesn't with AP, wow. At the end of the day its your life live it how you wish but i wouldn't be wasting my time on a man thats hidden behind ED and left you unforfilled and then goes and has an affair with suddenly zero ED issues,i think if you open up the marriage he will leave you for her anyway. Nah, it would be a no from me. Let him and his AP crack on.

Mamette · 13/07/2023 07:01

All your posts read as though you are standing outside the situation looking in.

Where are your gut feelings in all of this?

You say you superseded your needs at the start of the relationship for “the greater good”. Do you think this worked out for you? When are you going to listen to your own needs?

Mamette · 13/07/2023 07:01

Suppressed not superseded

Original poster
confusedwife12345 · 13/07/2023 07:10

Mamette · 13/07/2023 07:01

All your posts read as though you are standing outside the situation looking in.

Where are your gut feelings in all of this?

You say you superseded your needs at the start of the relationship for “the greater good”. Do you think this worked out for you? When are you going to listen to your own needs?

we both still can see growing old together. My hope is that this is a wake up call to not suppress our sexual needs anymore.

OP posts:
Name99 · 13/07/2023 07:10

What do you mean by lower status?

Original poster
confusedwife12345 · 13/07/2023 07:13

Name99 · 13/07/2023 07:10

What do you mean by lower status?

Similar to an executive and an assistant dynamic

OP posts:
TOclock · 13/07/2023 07:18

Similar to an executive and an assistant dynamic*

So he's abused his position of power?
How do you know he hasn't continued the affair?

Original poster
confusedwife12345 · 13/07/2023 07:36

TOclock · 13/07/2023 07:18

Similar to an executive and an assistant dynamic*

So he's abused his position of power?
How do you know he hasn't continued the affair?

He’s assured me, blocked her, etc. interesting about abuse of power, he doesn’t see it this way 🙄

OP posts:
ArcticSkewer · 13/07/2023 07:51

confusedwife12345 · 13/07/2023 07:10

we both still can see growing old together. My hope is that this is a wake up call to not suppress our sexual needs anymore.

Show quote history

Was he suppressing his sexual needs (I assume you mean for you)? Really? Or does he just not have a great attraction sexually towards you and decided for other reasons that you would be a good wife and partner.

That's not as such a terrible thing - it's how many marriages worldwide operate - but he may just not be that attracted to you.

Now he knows he can get it up for a partner he does find sexually attractive, he is unlikely to stay faithful. That may be okay for you, I don't know.

Who is leaving their job btw ... him or her? If it's her, that's pretty unfair

TheoTheopolis23 · 13/07/2023 08:50

Shall I throw away the deeper love we have and the life we built together?

Love, he threw it away when he chose to have a six month affair.

The throwing away has already been done, and. It by you.

The fact he's ok with staying married, on the meantime, for his convenience etc. is irrelevant.

TheoTheopolis23 · 13/07/2023 08:50

*and not by you

TheoTheopolis23 · 13/07/2023 08:54

So you suppressed your sexual needs for years while he didn't do much about his ED and said sex wasn't a priority/important ......

Only to be rewarded for that by him having an affair on you (and we're all a bit skeptical about the lack of penetrative sex but even if there wasn't any, it was still a 6 month affair with some sexual contact).

You're definitely second in this relationship, right?

Him having an affair with a subordinate also does not say good things at all about his character.

And if she chose to take it to HR, it could affect his job and income.

TheoTheopolis23 · 13/07/2023 09:01

You're correct in saying the hysterical bonding won't last.

It's due to the threat to your marriage (the threat he sought and brought in). You're grabbing him because you were threatened he might leave you and your family, because you're in primitive competition with his other woman.

He's grabbing you because there was a threat you could leave him and he's not sure he wants that (at this time) and because he feels like billy big balls, with two women on his plate - one of whom doesn't want to leave him and the other, we don't know; but it sounds like he ended it rather than her. He feels like a big man and v confident and sexy, with two women who wanted to have sex with him and will consider him as a mate in life. That will wear off, when he knows you're going nowhere )which he already knows more or less) and he gets no more attention and desire from her. (He may get back in contact with her to get that attention and validation, and maybe they have a bond too that might resurface, that could go on u til she gets sick of his behaviour and moves on).

TheoTheopolis23 · 13/07/2023 09:04

he doesn’t see it this way

If she's subordinate to him, it was an abuse of power.

And why would we be taking "truth" and good judgement from a man who cheats on his wife for 6 months. What's the basis for him having integrity and being a good judge of things?

He's an adulterer.

TheoTheopolis23 · 13/07/2023 09:08

You sound totally subordinate in this marriage.

  1. "I have ED I won't tackle consistently, and I don't think sex is all that important so you're not getting a satisfactory sex life".
"ok".
  1. "I've had an affair with my assistant, but I didn't fuck her, honest, but I did have sexual contact .... Anyway I've blocked her now"

"Ok"

  1. I want sex cause the affair revved me up a bit, and I feel like a big swinging dick now after my affair and my two women"

"Ok".

TheoTheopolis23 · 13/07/2023 09:11

He sounds like he thinks he calls the shots on every front, and you seem to go along with that.

Btw if he's had an affair, you're perfectly entitled to one too, you know. That's parity. Maybe you'll finally get some good sex - without the man having to use Viagra, and having to cheat on you to motivate him to want to have an active sex life.

I wouldn't be telling him though. How did you find out about his affair incidentally?

Original poster
confusedwife12345 · 13/07/2023 09:55

TheoTheopolis23 · 13/07/2023 09:11

He sounds like he thinks he calls the shots on every front, and you seem to go along with that.

Btw if he's had an affair, you're perfectly entitled to one too, you know. That's parity. Maybe you'll finally get some good sex - without the man having to use Viagra, and having to cheat on you to motivate him to want to have an active sex life.

I wouldn't be telling him though. How did you find out about his affair incidentally?

Forced him into admitting it. I’m not sure having an affair myself is going to help. Have the kids to think about

OP posts: