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Original poster

Affair/ sexual awakening

68 replies

confusedwife12345 · 12/07/2023 16:37

Hi everyone, 1st time posting here.
married for 13 years, together for almost 20 years. Husband very inexperienced and have ED the beginning and saw sex as not that important in the marriage. I’ve always been sexual but suppressed this for the “greater good “ of the marriage. Hence passion never really developed early on.
Fast forward to 2 children and all the responsibilities, our sex life was pretty non existent. Very scared to broach the subject of sex due to ED problems
He’s recently had an affair for 6 months, emotional and some physical ( no penetration) He’s now sexually awakened! The AP has made him have erections
Going through counselling who suggested that we can’t recreate passion that wasn’t there in the first place. We both love each other deeply though
We now have to decide whether we should stay together for the “greater good “ or explore our own sexuality outside the marriage. Some insight and advice please 🙏

OP posts:
SmileyClare · 13/07/2023 10:08

You sound so detached from your feelings? [cinfused]

What is your emotional response to his betrayal? The lies, the deceit of an affair- the fact he preferred another body to yours? Are you hurt, angry, insulted, jealous, shocked, wounded?

You seem to have dissociated from your feelings at some point in the marriage, and taught yourself to suppress your own feelings for the “greater good”

What is the Greater Good? A marriage of convenience- for the sake of the children and the financial security.

You seem almost happy that he cheated because it’s resulted in an increase in his libido. You’re ignoring any other potential impacts of an affair on your relationship.

Is this genuinely how you feel?

Original poster
confusedwife12345 · 13/07/2023 10:27

SmileyClare · 13/07/2023 10:08

You sound so detached from your feelings? [cinfused]

What is your emotional response to his betrayal? The lies, the deceit of an affair- the fact he preferred another body to yours? Are you hurt, angry, insulted, jealous, shocked, wounded?

You seem to have dissociated from your feelings at some point in the marriage, and taught yourself to suppress your own feelings for the “greater good”

What is the Greater Good? A marriage of convenience- for the sake of the children and the financial security.

You seem almost happy that he cheated because it’s resulted in an increase in his libido. You’re ignoring any other potential impacts of an affair on your relationship.

Is this genuinely how you feel?

I feel all of those things, mostly numb most days. I’m thinking of the kids and I am putting their needs ahead of mine. Perhaps not sustainable

OP posts:
TheoTheopolis23 · 13/07/2023 10:42

confusedwife12345 · 13/07/2023 06:42

AP only a couple years younger. She is also married with kids!

Show quote history

What a shit, he is.

So low integrity.

Cheats on his wife and mother of his kids.

Cheats with a woman who's cheating on her husband.

It's like he's spinning this as a good thing)a discovery/an awakening/a solution to all the ED and lack of sex drive and shit sex.life until recently; and you.seem to be accepting that spin.

But seriously + he's been married for years, had a willing partner, shared a bed and home with her for years, had every opportunity and reason to develop a decent sex life with her ..... But his "sexual awakening" is with another woman, outside his marriage. I don't know what's been going on with him, but it's not the positive thing he (and it looks like you) are spinning it as.

TheoTheopolis23 · 13/07/2023 10:45

He needs to answer why he's not been bothered about solving his ED or developing a decent sex life or getting past the "inexperience" (everyone is inexperienced at one point, they get experience by having sex!) with his partner and mother of his kids

......until he's cheated on her for six month, and is now going through a bit of hysterical bonding, with the help of Viagra.

SmileyClare · 13/07/2023 10:55

I’d advise continuing with the counselling- hopefully you will be able to reconnect with your own feelings and acknowledge that you don’t have to just be a passenger in your marriage.

You say the chemistry and sexual attraction was there at the start of your relationship. What negated that was his reluctance to address his erectile issues and your fear of broaching the issue?

It sounds as though he is now prepared to address his issues- you mention him taking Viagra and initiating sex now.
Yes that fulfils some of your needs, but he should have been considerate of your needs from the start.

Him wanting sex because he’s fired up at the thought of shagging a work colleague is staggeringly disrespectful to you and your feelings.

Speak up for yourself- your feelings are valid. Where is your line here with regards to his commitment, his efforts to maintain your sexual relationship and your stance on future infidelities?

An affair is essentially a hand grenade hurled into a marriage. Give yourself time and space to dust yourself off and assess the wreckage before making any decisions x

AgentJohnson · 13/07/2023 11:38

I don’t want to belittle your feelings but what are the components of the ‘deeper love’ you speak of? Respect, honesty, compassion? None of these core values correlate to his behaviour. He doesn’t share your values and there’s nothing to suggest that he ever will.

It’s your life and if you want to waste more of it prioritising a man who sees you as an option, then knock yourself out. However, I fear his ‘sexual awakening’ will only lead to ‘sexual awakenings’ with other people

The ‘greater good’ that you have sacrificed for this man is your self respect.

Original poster
confusedwife12345 · 13/07/2023 12:11

SmileyClare · 13/07/2023 10:55

I’d advise continuing with the counselling- hopefully you will be able to reconnect with your own feelings and acknowledge that you don’t have to just be a passenger in your marriage.

You say the chemistry and sexual attraction was there at the start of your relationship. What negated that was his reluctance to address his erectile issues and your fear of broaching the issue?

It sounds as though he is now prepared to address his issues- you mention him taking Viagra and initiating sex now.
Yes that fulfils some of your needs, but he should have been considerate of your needs from the start.

Him wanting sex because he’s fired up at the thought of shagging a work colleague is staggeringly disrespectful to you and your feelings.

Speak up for yourself- your feelings are valid. Where is your line here with regards to his commitment, his efforts to maintain your sexual relationship and your stance on future infidelities?

An affair is essentially a hand grenade hurled into a marriage. Give yourself time and space to dust yourself off and assess the wreckage before making any decisions x

Thank you 🙏 very helpful

OP posts:
TurnerP · 13/07/2023 12:34

Do you blame yourself at all, you seem very accepting.
As for the choices you now have,

  1. Open your marriage to swinging or polyamory(it seems you don't mind his previous discretion)
  2. Go back to the sex less marriage, it was fine before, who knows when his sexuality will drop again.
  3. Separate and find someone that truly values you
Original poster
confusedwife12345 · 13/07/2023 13:24

TurnerP · 13/07/2023 12:34

Do you blame yourself at all, you seem very accepting.
As for the choices you now have,

  1. Open your marriage to swinging or polyamory(it seems you don't mind his previous discretion)
  2. Go back to the sex less marriage, it was fine before, who knows when his sexuality will drop again.
  3. Separate and find someone that truly values you

stay or go, both have enormous difficulties

OP posts:
TurnerP · 14/07/2023 07:53

Is it possible that his ED was the only reason that pov did not happen? He was embarrassed in case it might? Now he is using you for more practise before he goes ahead with someone else?

Original poster
confusedwife12345 · 14/07/2023 07:58

TurnerP · 14/07/2023 07:53

Is it possible that his ED was the only reason that pov did not happen? He was embarrassed in case it might? Now he is using you for more practise before he goes ahead with someone else?

Might well be

OP posts:
Ollifer · 14/07/2023 08:02

Christ, he must be feeling very smug at the moment, cheating on his wife for six months and then ends up with his wife all over him because she's scared of losing him! At least you know it's hysterical bonding and won't last. It will come crashing down. He's a total pig who doesn't respect you at all, so up to you whether or not you're okay with that.

AliceForSupper · 14/07/2023 08:19

He cheated on you, which means he lied to you repeatedly throughout the affair. It doesn't matter who she is, her "status " etc. she's trash, that's a given for anyone in an affair knowing they're shagging someone else's partner.
Show some respect for yourself, there is no deep love or greater good here OP .

Fishpieandchips · 14/07/2023 08:31

Op this is really sad and trust me will affect your mental health.
Your relationship as you knew it wasn't healthy, and it's not healthy now. Using someone else to find his sexual feelings?

To stay with him after this will eat away with you for all the years your relationship has not been sexual. You will second guess why and all the things will play on your mind and shatter your self confidence.
I have been through something very similar and it's a long journey of recovery / acceptance for me.

Please think carefully about yourself.

Your husband is thinking about himself. He's not worth your time or effort.

Good luck.

WhatNoRaisins · 14/07/2023 09:24

You sound really ground down by this OP. Your husband has shown who he is and he's not going to change. You need to work on building yourself back up because he isn't going to help you.

TurnerP · 15/07/2023 06:48

I think I see what has happened here now. All of the blame/anger has been put on the ow?

TurnerP · 23/07/2023 14:36

It sounds like someone I know
Her AP would finish before they even started
When she brought it up he ghosted.. ran back to wife

Yellowdays · 23/07/2023 15:45

I'd only stay on the basis you could agree to have affairs yourself!

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