How would you deal with this (sister's anxiety)?

[SaccharineDream]

Hope someone can advise, I don't have anyone to really discuss this with in real life at the mo.

I have a sister 5 yrs older, our parents have passed away a few years ago and as a very small family we are the only one's left who know each other. She owns her own home and is married, with one child who is now married himself.

I am not married and rent, by choice, but our circs are a bit different of course.
We get one fine.

In the two yrs before our mum died i went no contact with her as she very suddenly developed a stressful co-dependent relationship with our mum. This was new to me, and it was hard to watch it unfold. Unfortunately her anxiety dominated things to such an extent that it began to harm me.

After mum died we got back in touch and it has been lovely. We are both so pleased to have recovered our relationship and have been there for each other. She still has anxiety but unless something truly awful happened I would love to maintain our relationship permanently.

At the moment i have to move house. I am still living with my ex and will have to rent when I leave. It has been coming since covid and i am behind with my search so need to get a move on as the conditions here with ex are a strain for us both.
I have good savings and am self employed, though business has been slowing since pandemic. Due to this i will need to find a few hours work on top, so want to move somewhere where I feel i fit in and will enjoy. As I have no dependents (our child passed away shortly after birth 17 years ago) I am free to go wherever I like.
I sense that my sister is anxious about me leaving the local town. I hate the place and have never wanted to live here, so am eager to go. She does not try to dissuade me at all, but has mentioned, when pushed, that she is 'scared' of me going, that she fears losing me. I have of course reassured her.

I do feel with weird pressure, and I don't like it. I am a bit of a soft touch so don't want to mess my life up over this. To add to this, even though she has a good husband she tends to always ring me with many problems, and the calls last 3 hours sometimes. I always feel so guilty if i have to work, and cant take a call. But I don't want to just feel like a skip people throw their problems into. I have tenderly told her this in the past and she is apologetic. But her anxiety overtakes her really, and there is a new issue every week. She won't take it to her DH because he is very laid back and her style of talking is more panic/stress based.
It helps her to talk, but this can last hours and i get off the phone feeling wasted.

How would you go about this? I want to preserve our closeness as much as possible, and she has been decent to me. I just don't know if sometimes refusing the calls is mean? You can't set boundaries with this person, she just goes straight through them. I wouldnt say this is harming my life, but it does get me down.

If you're still practising drawing boundaries, I guess the most immediate advice (that may or may not work for your situation) I can give is that, when you do agree to call, to just wander around doing your admin or housework stuff when she's blathering on, so it's not a total waste of time. Put her on speakerphone or use wireless headphones or something.

I mean, don't make it obvious you're not really listening (or do if that's your intention eg grey rock), but sometimes they just want to talk for reassurance and your only role is to be a nodding puppet. Took me ages to realise that.

Is her anxiety health/hypochondria based? If it is that's a helpful starting point compared to more generalised anxiety which can be about anything including health.

@SaccharineDream - as you say, the anxiety is destroying her life. And not just hers. Her pet may be fixably ill at this point but may not be in the future.

And out of affection for her and all kinds of good motives, you’re enabling her and facilitating it. She needs professional help. She needs to be able to self-soothe. I’ve been in anxiety spirals occasionally. My DH has, rightly, after giving a little initial support simply refused to indulge me. And I have got myself out. By listening and giving time and, effectively, credence to her anxious thoughts, you’re hindering her recovery, not helping.

Your sister can’t get herself out at the moment. She needs professional help. Perhaps medication. Ironically, I think not having to work has not helped her. It’s allowed her to fixate on problems unproductively. But whatever the cause, this is fixable but not by you. She needs professional help and perhaps medication.

Thank you.

There has always been someone who indulged it, my mum, my aunt, but never me.

Once, long ago, my parents made me feel guilty for not doing the homework she needed to pass her degree in healthcare. I deeply resented that. Their excuse was 'you are so clever, how can it hurt?'

I am realising she was babied, and now she is utterly alone, , except for me.

I am going to have to be firm. And to the pp who said i was feeling persecuted, that is the VERY feeling. I went no contact in 2017 due to that and her terrifying reaction to my mum's health at the time. She is very aware that i can and have got up and walked.

Today I am out in the city. I have received 4 phone calls but no texts or emails.
She knew i was going to be working and travelling today. Not even a fucking text to tell me the dog is ok.
Kind of feels like with holding (if i dont answer phone i am denied info).

Having thought about these replies, I don't wish to go no contact although I might have done years ago. But I will definitely have to detach from this emotionally, following many of the suggestion posted.

Yes, I have been too soft and only began to see the impact of that recently.

She has withheld info before when I have not answered my phone (for very valid reasons, ie, work, appointments) and it caused me a great deal of silent stress. This time I feel fairly relaxed and have merely sent a text asking how pup got on at the vets. If there is no reply, fair enough, she will find me some other time.

My own life is in flux, I am about to move and still living with my exDP, and I think it would be a VERY good idea to move further away. I want to, so that's good. I did feel slightly guilty about that but realise that is the problem!

She is a good person and has been extremely kind in recent years. I don't tell her much about my life because she is a worrier, so there's a chance she has no idea just how I am already struggling here with my ex. Break ups are hard.
If i do reach out she always responds and will do anything to help me. I just don't reach out because I feel I need that bit of space from her due to her anxiety.

Is her anxiety health/hypochondria based? If it is that's a helpful starting point compared to more generalised anxiety which can be about anything including health.

I think her issues stem from the loss of our brother when she was 5. It was a huge family trauma as he was a baby. I was not born for another five years so never really felt the impact of that in my own childhood, which was quite idyllic.
The resulting trauma left her extremely nervous and she has always been preoccupied with death and loss. Unfortunately back then none of the family members were offered therapy.
I spent a few weeks in hospital when I was 8 with a virus and later learned that she blamed herself and needed to see a therapist at the time. She had absolutely no connection to my virus! In her words "I felt that i must have done something wrong for you to be ill like that".
She was 18 at the time.
So yes, a long history of fear and absolutely no desire to receive help. My parents offered to pay for private therapy, the works, but she refused.

It is general anxiety with a fixation on loss and disease.
When bad things DO happen, she is capable, strong and calm. It is the anticipation....

Apologies my last post was quoting and answering this
Is her anxiety health/hypochondria based? If it is that's a helpful starting point compared to more generalised anxiety which can be about anything including health.

Well I see her as being incredibly self absorbed and selfish! She has zero consideration for you, your time, your emotional energy! It's all Me Me Me from her.

I think it would do both of you a favour if you got cross with her pointing out the above. She's been indulged her whole life. High time it stopped and she starts considering others, starting with YOU.

That would drive me insane.

She doesn't see you as a person - you fulfil a function in her life; someone to sound off too. She leaves you feeling depleted, then she immediately calls the next person. It's crazy.

I would have really resented her when your mum was ill. She made it all about her, didn't she?

Move away and get a new phone. Switch your existing phone on once a week. Don't even think of staying on the phone for three hours. Speak to her for half an hour then ring your doorbell and say you have to go. Switch your phone off again for another week.

I would have really resented her when your mum was ill. She made it all about her, didn't she?

Unfortunately my mum enabled it, which was bound up with her own grief after the loss of our dad. Those were difficult years and i eventually had to have domestic counselling, and to go no contact. It was the hardest thing ive ever done. Her behaviour was out of control then.

Since, she has been great, it was lovely to reconnect on new and healthy terms, but in the past 6 months the neediness has started to creep in more and more.

I will make changes, starting right now. Good idea about the phone. I need to incrementally detach so that i don't shock her (my preference) and become 'busy'.

Just received new text.
I had asked how the dog got on at the vet.
Her reply was "cant tell you now will give you a *quick ring later"

That is manipulation. I am not in a good mood about it.

I said "if you can't just text me how dog got on, then why bother?"

She won't like that.

*Fucking hilarious that word. It would last over 3 hours. She minimises the damage in advance.

Tell her frankly that she's ruining your relationship, you had been enjoying your reconnection but if she doesn't change you will go NC again to save your own MH and well-being.

There's a great saying on here. Don't set fire to yourself to keep someone else warm

Reply to her text.

No, don't ring me later. I am not going to endure yet another 3 hour wailing from you.
You can send a text about the dog, or not bother at all, but the endless calls stop now.

Thanks, It is so helpful to get this off my chest, it has been a long and lonely road.

I rang my aunt, dog is fine, small cyst, benign.

I dare say she wants to spin me the whole lowdown from every second of the day on the phone later, a text or email isnt good enough. She honestly recounts every second of her experiences to me to the point where my eyes start spinning.

Aunt also just said she thought things were improving lately as she has only had a few calls. I told her no, they are all coming to me, day and night. One bleak hopeless text after another.
Aunt said i am going to have to be cruel to be kind and nip it in the bud.
Stopping all contact would be my very last resort, but for now I am going to be very very firm about it. I am tired, fed up and not in the mood to be talked at all evening.

Glad your Aunt has your back and of course, she's quite right.

If sis rings just tell her the truth as you have here. You want a relationship, but not like this. It MUST change totally or end completely.

Thanks BMW6,
I would prefer the path of least drama.
So tempting though it may be to flip, or to lay it all out on the table with her, I would rather starve it out, polite yet firm, and become less available. Things are already stressful in my life right now so I need as much peace as possible.

I will definitely have a chat with her about how it is affecting me, I would like to ask her how she would feel i i constantly messaged her that i was dying, doomed, scared. It won't alter anything, but she will have the privilege of my honesty.

Well at some level she knows what she’s like and that she risks driving you away with this behaviour. You shouldn’t reassure her that you’ll always be there for her as you know she’s badly affecting your life and mental health.
I would move somewhere that you will be happy and start restricting her calls now - she needs therapy and doesn’t have a right to your time and energy.

I think I'd respond "UNSUBSCRIBE".

Not helpful, I know, but of probably try to make a joke about it.

I do have a similar issue with my sister. Not emails (oh no, she needs an immediate response!) but hours of talking at me. She likes to rehash our childhood at every opportunity, exaggerating slightly more each time.

I've taken to ignoring her calls and texting "can't talk right now, will call when free", then I don't call for a couple of days. Weaning her away. Like puppy training.

@kweeble You are right.
This thread has opened my eyes to how it is affecting me, whereas I was previously only thinking about her and how to deal with her problems.

I am so very grateful to all of you for your time here. It has had a profound impact on me.

I realise now that is IS having an effect on my mental health. I am already struggling, so this constantly growing storm of hers is chipping away, day after day, at my reserves. There isn't a great deal of sunshine in my life at present (break up, moving, facing a new start) so the added darkness is stifling.

I have come to fear checking my emails in a morning to see what's next.
I dread hearing my phone.
And each shock is potentially explosive: last week she became convinced her and DH were in trouble, something relating to tax/savings, she became convinced they were going to jail and would lose their home.
Absolute bollocks of course, they are comfortably off full home owners with no debts or illegalities. She didnt sleep for 4 nights, and literally snowed me under with panic, even calling around here each evening. Her DH was stunned and tried to calm her down. On the big 'day of reckoning' nothing happened. Nothing. There was nothing at all wrong. She didn't even contact me to let me know, and even giggled when I told her off for not telling me, saying 'i just get scared'.

Haha, yes, I need to follow a similar example. Unsubscribe indeed!

Also, i have had no reply since i sent her a text asking how the dog got on at the vets. After asking her to text it to me instead of phoning.
Just crickets.
I will be punished now by silence.

Fuck, sorry to drip like a busted tap but -

Got this reply just now. She doesnt know i spoke to my aunt about the dog.

"Vet said it was a sebaceous cyst. He also said all cysts are tumours so she has cancer, i cant cope i am so terrified i feel sick"

I am done.

I know it's not your fault but you are enabling her behaviour. She isn't like this with her OH because he doesn't put up with it, therefore she is capable of not behaving in this way, but she chooses to with you because she knows you will allow it.

Oh he enables her, she is like this 24/7.
He just doesnt seem harmed by it, it's like a superpower

Oh even better well let him deal with her! Honestly she sounds exhausting, she's constantly draining your cup to fill hers, it's selfish. Maybe you need to spell out how it makes you feel, and don't reply immediate to her messages, short answers, no questions, tell her when she wants a call you can't make one this evening sorry.