Dh resents my lack of ambitions… DS is 3 yo

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Dh and I have a 3 year old son who is due to start morning school nursery soon. I currently work 2.5 days a week and Dh is full time self employed. He earns a lot and we’re comfortable at the moment but we don’t like where we live and want to move to a different area and get a bigger house. Dh actually hates our house… it’s a new build and the neighbours are a nightmare, the parkings atrocious, the house itself is pretty naff… it makes him super angry every single day.
I have an ordinary type of job and the money is poor. I don’t pay anything towards bills but I pay for childcare and bits and bobs like clothes and toys and the like.
Recently arguments have been brewing. He’s clearly resenting me that we rely so heavily on his earnings. He says for us to move to a bigger and better house I need to be working and earning more to help cover the bills should he be out of work (his work is contract based).
The only thing is then we would need a lot more childcare. And i love the routine I have at the moment and the thought of seeing my son a lot less literally makes me cry. I’m sure other mothers will understand this but he really doesn’t get it.
It’s all come to a head and he has threatened to sell up and get a divorce due to my “lack of ambition.” I don’t want this. He gets frustrated because Im not a career person but he has known this since he met me 14 years ago. But he is so unhappy in this house it’s making him ill, he’s desperate to move which is why there is so much pressure on me. I’ve told him I’ll do whatever it takes so I’m going to start looking at better jobs/courses etc. I just wanted to see what you all thought. As a mother to a young child it just feels wrong. But clearly it’s what my relationship needs.

TBF OP is using "not a career person" as a synonym for "doesn't want to work".

It sounds as though DH would be quite happy for her just to work more hours at her "normal job".

It actually isn't up to people on the internet to decide if how many hours you work is appropriate or not.

That depends on family finances.
Moving is expensive and a nightmare. You're husband isn't happy where he is, but he may just have to suck it up for now.
Him being self employed may be the problem here with getting a bigger mortgage etc... it doesn't sound healthy at all.

If 2.5 days contributes enough to the household and allows you to spend time with your pre school child then that is perfectly acceptable. If you decide you want to move faster then ask to up your hours at work. Do an extra day. But only if it works for you as a family.

Not sure why you're getting so much stick on here. Apparently in 2023 we are meant to be machines and work full time, have an immaculate home and ensure our children are well rounded. It's harder than it looks and we need to take the pressure off!

@BansheeofInisherin to work something out, you need to be open to a discussion and compromise, (and yes that’s what is supposed to happen)

Could you point out in the OP where her DH has shown any willingness to do that?
Because I can find examples of him NOT being willing to discuss and compromise. And no example of him wanting to work together with the OP to achieve that - which would start with a discussion on whether moving is something they both want.

You can’t be a SAHM if your DH isn’t onboard & he clearly isn’t. You can’t expect him to be the only provider, with you just bringing in pocket money, when you’re capable of full time work. You need to do your bit.

OP, I’ve lived in a house I hated. I used to walk down the road from the Tube and dread walking in the door. In our case it was mainly the multi occupancy (illegal) neighbours noise through the paper thin walls of the new build ‘town house’ , but it wasn’t helped by the various problems caused by poor finish and structural ineptitude. So I have some sympathy for DH.

I’ve also been the main earner when self - employed and that’s another terrible stressor. I used to lie awake at night worrying about where the next project was coming from.

I didn’t get angry, I got physically ill, but I think they are both symptoms of the pressure that constant stress can cause. I was lucky, my DH took my situation seriously. We did move, even though that wasn’t ideal in terms of location. He looked for better sources of income, which were a bit less core to his career,

The crux of your relationship Is whether the anger and the threats are a new development or whether DH has always been an angry threatening person.

If it’s the former, you have to take on board the possibility that his stress is going to manifest itself in even more serious ways, which may impact even more seriously on your cherished life style. If it’s the latter, you probably need to start planning a more self sufficient lifestyle anyway, because it sounds as if you may need to .

I hope you can find a solution which meets all your needs. Compromise is not a second rate solution.

She isn’t a SAHM… why do people keep repeating that?

@QueensBees As the OP has posted only once, I will leave it to her to clarify. If she thinks she will have to do all the housework and childcare when DS is sick anyway, then she should stick to 2.5 days. If her Dh will step up, she should increase her days. Because any day now her DH's contracts may collapse.

I was wondering the same! I'm pretty sure in the real world its perfectly normal to work part time before your kids start school, but this is mumsnet where anything less than 40 hours a week is unacceptable. If your kid isn't in full time child care by 12 months then you're doing it wrong

@Ohhhhhhhhh Of course, it's perfectly normal to work part time. In fact, when my DC were 3, I was an SAHM and didn't work at all, regardless of my posts on this thread!

BUT we weren't short of money, not living in a horrible place and my DH wasn't on contract work. And my DH wasn't unhappy with the arrangement.

I understand both sides. And I say that as someone who went back to FT work when my DC were babies. What had you both planned around this when your DS was born?

What are the plans that your husband has in mind for if/when you do start back at work FT? Will your husband take on paying half of the childcare costs, doing half of the mental load, childcare, housework (cleaning, laundry, cooking, shopping), drop offs/pick ups etc? Or does he just expect you to front the whole bill for FT childcare, plus do EVERYTHING else as well as work FT? I'd be checking the arrangements for these things, and talking them through with him!! I think in the meantime, it might be worth seeing if you can get any training/do courses to increase your earning potential (if you don't have these already!).

When I was a kid, my Dad worked FT, and Mum was a SAHM (I was one of 4). Dad was very upfront about how he wouldn't have been able to HIS job (very high earner but it involved long hours and international travel) if Mum wasn't there to look after us kids and the house.

Only on MN do I see a common expectation that both parents must work all the hours God sends, not for basic financial survival but so they can afford things like a bigger house. Is it really that important? Particularly at the stage of life where you have a young child?

For a lot of people work is just a necessary evil. Not everyone is a ‘career person’ striving for more wealth and status, and why should they be?

OP your son is still very young and 2.5 days at work plus all the unpaid work you do at home sounds like plenty.

Having to live in a “naff” house for a bit while you have a young child doesn’t seem like the worst thing in the world… IMO your DH needs to get his priorities straight.

If he thinks you’re blocking his ambitions, why doesn’t he strike out on his own? I wonder how far he’d get then, while also parenting 50-50. He should be more appreciative of you, and the fact that your unpaid work at home facilitates his big important career.

I think the issue here is the ongoing narrative often found on Mumsnet that 'running the household' is akin to running a FTSE 100 company. If you live in Blenheim Palace that might be the case, but for your average 2/3 bed family home you are not spending every waking hour 'doing the finances/laundry/shopping/ironing/cooking etc'. I also find it curious to read on here at times the expectation from some that the person working full time and financially supporting a part time working or SAHM should also be responsible for a perfect 50% division of household chores.

I’m so sad about many of the responses on here, especially that spending time with young children doesn’t seem to be a priority at all for so many or indeed particularly valued. It seems hard to understand how upping her hours (with the associated increase in childcare costs) would fund the huge expense of a house move and bigger mortgage.

I’m the daughter of a very high achieving career woman and one of 4. My overwhelming memory from childhood is her never being there and never putting us first. I’m very happy to say my children can’t and don’t say the same about me.

Agree with this comment. You should move if you don't like your current house, but why does it have to be somewhere bigger? You say that the house is 'making him ill' but also that the thought of working more and having less time with your son 'makes you want to cry'. So the obvious solution is to move, but just move somewhere in budget so you can carry on with the routine you love with your son.
A much bigger problem is his attitude, which is that what he wants (bigger house/ more money) is more important than what you want (a balance between working part time and spending time looking after your son.) He needs to have as much respect for your feelings as you do for his. From your post, it sounds like he doesn't care what you want or how you feel, and that's the bigger issue.
He also clearly undervalues your contribution to your joint life. As another poster said, if you were working full time would he be happy stepping up his childcare and housework to 50/50 or would he also be expecting you to continue all of it on weekends etc too? I bet you anything it's the latter.
Sorry OP but I wouldn't want to be married to this bloke unless he had a serious change of attitude.

I’m the daughter of a very high achieving career woman and one of 4. My overwhelming memory from childhood is her never being there and never putting us first.

I am the daughter of a very intelligent SAHM. My overwhelming memory is of a woman who totally wasted her brain. ( due to circumstances beyond her control).

Though of course the OP is not an SAHM.

And was your mother unhappy about this out of interest or is that your judgement?

She was definitely very unhappy. But I didn't grow up in the UK. In a country where women stayed at home because patriarchal culture demanded it, and there was no infrastructure to support working women. She got a small job when we were much older.

I am also the daughter of a high achieving career woman and one of four.

My overwhelming memory from childhood was having lots of opportunities and support, living in a comfortable home in a good community and attending an excellent school. I remember having holidays and hobbies. When I needed help whether it was a maths tutor, a speech pathologist or an operation- the money was there and no strain was put on my family.

I had an excellent female role model showing me I never needed to be dependent on a man. When I had a boyfriend that showed early signs of being possessive I sailed off knowing I didn't need him or anyone. When I met my DH I knew what a true partner and supporter looked like, because my parents were a team.

I never heard my parents argue about money. Never felt that would break up my family.

People idolise time with children out of the workforce as though it is automatically in the child's best interest. It really isn't- particularly if money is tight, or the house is in a bad area, or the income is precarious. As it is for the OP's family.

Unless you are a high earner, whilst you have children under 5 or desparately need the cash I think he is being daft - I had a reasonably well paid job but for several years literally came out with £500 a month after childcare- but we needed that £500 or I wouldn't have bothered - does he understand the cost implication ? Relative to your likely earnings

These threads full up with women who want a mother of young children to be an absolute workhorse for a man, striving to match his income as if proving oneself to a man is the ultimate aim.

Having and raising a child is given no value and doesn't count, its solely about finance. & The Big Important Man isn't expected to step up on childcare duties either - the woman must work full-time + take care of all childcare matters🙄

Working part time whilst raising a child is not wrong. Personally I'd rather go it alone than knacker myself out for any man. He's bullying you - well then he can leave if he wants to, surely. But if he's staying he can stop with the angry nonsense, sit down with you and discuss how he's going to take over aspects of childcare and household chores. Fair division.

Its often easier to raise children and carve out a life for yourself without an angry man around. & more money without kindness wont bring happiness. He'd find something else to complain about.

My other point is I wonder if he's been lying to you and not nearly as 'ok for cash' as he makes out- this would kind of fit in with the 'house isn't good enough' kind of ego

Completely agree with this. "Running a home" isn't the same as working and juggling childcare, especially when the kids are at school. I used to work part time and the 2 days I had off with kids in school were more than enough to sort everything out including doing my own thing, gym etc. I did most of the house stuff as I had the time. Now we're both full time I expect a 50/50 split. The year I had as a sahm with a baby and a 3 year old was blissful. I suppose it depends on your job.

I don't think it's fair your DH getting angry about a house and can understand that you want to care for your son but I can see his point of view about your lack of ambition. It would frustrate me too. My 2 dc have definitely benefited from both of us working in professional careers where they see us working hard and gaining additional qualifications. They appreciate the value of money and both have a strong work ethic themselves and a are independent and self motivated. Neither do they peck and pester at us or expect our undivided attention, my friends who are sahm the kids never leave them alone!

They also benefit from all the trips, activities, holidays and experiences we can offer them as we both work.

I have literally never seen a MN thread that says the Big Important Man isn't expected to step up and the woman must do it all.

Exactly the opposite! Normally the threads are full of posts saying that housework/childcare should be 50/50 if both parents work full time. Plenty of threads suggesting it should be 50/50 even if the mum works less than full time!

I agree that money being tight does change things - that isn’t the case for us. I had a very well pad and demanding job that I gave up after I had my 3rd child and have never regretted it for a second. Like a lot of high paid jobs it was very stressful and involved lots of travel, impossible to continue with both parents doing this and to have a happy family home in my view.

I’m so happy to have been able to run a family home that is full of pets etc and very happy to be flat out volunteering, cooking, gardening and cleaning while listening to podcasts etc. More than anything I’m very happy that when my DC’s are home from work / uni I have the time to simply be with them.

If I was unfulfilled in any way I would simply get a job.

Agree. My mum was a SAHM and I was adamant I didn't want this for myself. I won't go into why. I am a career woman and wanted to show my son that women are equals to men and can have a career and children just like men can.