Dh resents my lack of ambitions… DS is 3 yo

[Blipblopblap]

Dh and I have a 3 year old son who is due to start morning school nursery soon. I currently work 2.5 days a week and Dh is full time self employed. He earns a lot and we’re comfortable at the moment but we don’t like where we live and want to move to a different area and get a bigger house. Dh actually hates our house… it’s a new build and the neighbours are a nightmare, the parkings atrocious, the house itself is pretty naff… it makes him super angry every single day.
I have an ordinary type of job and the money is poor. I don’t pay anything towards bills but I pay for childcare and bits and bobs like clothes and toys and the like.
Recently arguments have been brewing. He’s clearly resenting me that we rely so heavily on his earnings. He says for us to move to a bigger and better house I need to be working and earning more to help cover the bills should he be out of work (his work is contract based).
The only thing is then we would need a lot more childcare. And i love the routine I have at the moment and the thought of seeing my son a lot less literally makes me cry. I’m sure other mothers will understand this but he really doesn’t get it.
It’s all come to a head and he has threatened to sell up and get a divorce due to my “lack of ambition.” I don’t want this. He gets frustrated because Im not a career person but he has known this since he met me 14 years ago. But he is so unhappy in this house it’s making him ill, he’s desperate to move which is why there is so much pressure on me. I’ve told him I’ll do whatever it takes so I’m going to start looking at better jobs/courses etc. I just wanted to see what you all thought. As a mother to a young child it just feels wrong. But clearly it’s what my relationship needs.

I personally would be fuming if my DH said this to me. However, we'd discussed that I'd be a SAHM til the kids went to school and then I'd go PT round school hours, which is what happened.

In your shoes, I'd be looking for another PT evening job. We wanted to move house at one point and I took on an evening job so that DH came in from work and then I went straight out. I did this one weeknight and then did one weekend day while we saved to move house.

See what your DH says to this. I certainly would think less of him for forcing me back out to work and our children into childcare, but it depends what you'd agreed before kids came along.

An evening/weekend job could be a workable compromise for you.

I’m the daughter of a very high achieving career woman and one of 4. My overwhelming memory from childhood is her never being there and never putting us first. I’m very happy to say my children can’t and don’t say the same about me.

It's not either/or though is it?
You can still be a high achiever with regards your career and put your children first.
I refuse to use the term 'career woman' nobody ever says career man do they?

You could try to compromise by eg. upping your hours in current job to 3-4 days if possible. But there is a much bigger issue here which is your DH and the way he treats you.

He’s angry about the house every day (!) which sounds like he’s taking out his unhappiness on you and probably creating a negative atmosphere around DC. That’s not ok. If he’s that unhappy with the living situation he needs to look for viable solutions himself instead of demanding you magically fix HIS problem by getting a FT job (which isn’t an immediate solution anyway - it would still be a while before you could afford to move, assuming it even made much difference financially after childcare costs)

I’ve known men like this and I suspect that, if you did go work FT and save up to buy his dream home, he would only find something else to moan about and blame you for.

You’re right, I shouldn’t have said career woman - lazy shorthand. Can you have 2 parents who both work very long hours in highly pressured /stressful jobs and put their children first?

..not without paying and outsourcing everything.

Actually it's much easier if you have a "career" as opposed to an "ordinary type of job" to prioritise your children. For the majority of my DC's lives, for example, DH and I have been able to work flexibly so one of us is always around after school. They've enjoyed holiday clubs and meeting new children and being able to try new things. They thrived at (part time) nursery which they don't remember now anyway.

My mother was a SAHM. She was always physically there, but she used that as a proxy for actual active support and was emotionally distance. Her lack of an outside focus meant that she (still - with her children middle aged) was too involved in her children's lives and didn't allow them to grow up and become independent.

There is a happy balance to be found between "always there" and "never there".

I can't see anywhere in the OP where the DH asked her to work full time, let alone 'very long hours in a stressful/pressured job'

He's asked her to work 'more' than 2.5 hours. It could be adding a day a week to make the financial burden more even.

It's not fair to live off someone without their agreement.

Do you think it’s just the house making him unhappy?
I doubt all his problems will be solved by moving

@SunRainStorm she doesn't work 2.5 hours, she works 2.5 days

Flexible working just isn’t available in a meaningful way in a multitude of highly paid professions.

I agree with the outsourcing comments, always makes me laugh when friends of ours wonder what I do all day when they employ a whole load of nannies, gardeners, handymen, cleaners, dog walkers, grooms etc at vast expense. Well that’s what I do all day!

Obviously this has got rather off point but I still wonder how the OP upping her hours is going to fund a move to a more expensive house given the huge expense of this and the uptick in childcare costs.

By the wayOP, my H was always unsatisfied where we lived- even though all his choice- we have moved(rent) 22 times in 28 years.

I'd be pretty unhappy if my partner unilaterally decided I would be the only significant breadwinner because they enjoyed their 'routine'.

I would be unhappier still if I did self employed contract work that could be lost at any time, and I was worried about how we would pay bills. While my partner stayed home half the week, somehow unconcerned by this and feeling no need to contribute more than a few 'bits and bobs' financially.

I would feel unheard and resentful if my partner didn't have any kind of plan or thought for improving the balance or our long term financial future, especially when our son is likely to be in school a year from now and is likely perfectly happy in nursery which would be increased.

I would be yet even unhappier if my partner did not give a damn about these pressures on me, and prioritised their own wants over my real concerns.

You’re right, I shouldn’t have said career woman - lazy shorthand. Can you have 2 parents who both work very long hours in highly pressured /stressful jobs and put their children first?

Yes. We mange it.....
Putting your child first doesn't mean being with them 24/7 and these types of jobs often mean lots of flexibility and freedom to set your own diary.

Neither of us have ever missed a sports day, play, school event etc and we pick DS up from school at 3.15 twice a week and the days we use afterschool club we are home by 5.30 at the very latest.
It's a juggling act at times but it works.

Sorry, a typo.

2.5 days is not a lot when there is one child who is three.

There should at least be a plan in place to contribute more financially.

@Hippyhippybake I think being at home to parent young children is valued for a lot of people, but unfortunately having the financial means within the household to do this (without tipping the family into poverty) has these days basically become a luxury that not everyone can afford. I would have LOVED be a stay at home mum or even work part time when my child was nursery age. But we simply needed my income to pay for things like a roof over all of our heads and food!

Kyloe, I totally get that and think it’s a tragedy.

Depends what you want for your kids tho doesn't it?

To me, 2.5 full days in a nursery for a 3 year old would be unthinkable.

And yet for me, 3 days in nursery meant my children and I could escape an abusive relationship and I could advance my career and build a very nice and stable life for them

The alternatives, trapped in an abusive relationship or dependent on benefits were both far more ", unthinkable".

@SweetSakura yes, as I said, it depends what you want for your children. I don't thjnk anyone would want their kids brought up around DV.

To me, 2.5 full days in a nursery for a 3 year old would be unthinkable.

Unthinkable?! 😂

Won't someone think of the children! (Having fun doing a variety of different crafts, activities and games geared towards their development with their peers).

It's the DH's child as well - he presumably wants his child to have financial stability and to live in a better home in a better area.

The child is already in nursery, so what's one more day a week to a family who apparently don't find nursery 'unthinkable'.

Agree.

I haven't read all the responses but I would suggest thinking carefully about how you'll feel splitting care of your child with an ex-husband, if he's talking about your current situation being untenable. I can't imagine you'll find that easy if the idea of spending any less time with your child now makes you cry. You don't have to suddenly become an ambitious, career-focussed person overnight but it does seem like you need to think about how you want your family to look and maybe to preserve a happy family unit, you may need to work a little more.

My sister used to talk like this when she was a sahm. She now works full time and pays a second nanny to look after her children one day a week at the weekend

whats that expression about someone protesting too much ... ?