Dh resents my lack of ambitions… DS is 3 yo

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Dh and I have a 3 year old son who is due to start morning school nursery soon. I currently work 2.5 days a week and Dh is full time self employed. He earns a lot and we’re comfortable at the moment but we don’t like where we live and want to move to a different area and get a bigger house. Dh actually hates our house… it’s a new build and the neighbours are a nightmare, the parkings atrocious, the house itself is pretty naff… it makes him super angry every single day.
I have an ordinary type of job and the money is poor. I don’t pay anything towards bills but I pay for childcare and bits and bobs like clothes and toys and the like.
Recently arguments have been brewing. He’s clearly resenting me that we rely so heavily on his earnings. He says for us to move to a bigger and better house I need to be working and earning more to help cover the bills should he be out of work (his work is contract based).
The only thing is then we would need a lot more childcare. And i love the routine I have at the moment and the thought of seeing my son a lot less literally makes me cry. I’m sure other mothers will understand this but he really doesn’t get it.
It’s all come to a head and he has threatened to sell up and get a divorce due to my “lack of ambition.” I don’t want this. He gets frustrated because Im not a career person but he has known this since he met me 14 years ago. But he is so unhappy in this house it’s making him ill, he’s desperate to move which is why there is so much pressure on me. I’ve told him I’ll do whatever it takes so I’m going to start looking at better jobs/courses etc. I just wanted to see what you all thought. As a mother to a young child it just feels wrong. But clearly it’s what my relationship needs.

Well said @Hippyhippybake
Small kids need a lot of time and care.
You either do that yourself or someone else has to, the cost to having someone else do it is not insignificant. There is an emotional and financial cost. It's not as simple as 'you want money, you go to work' your earning power and your child's character all come into the picture. I've taken longer to go back to full time work than I expected because my DD does not thrive spending lots of time on stimulating academic and extra curricular activities, which is what you're left with if you work and don't have family support.
Our family logistics are much simpler and lower in stress than our friends who are both working. Of those who are both working many are thriving well but a couple have children struggling with a full on schedule... but my career is behind compared to some.
So many factors and not all are in your control.
At the end of the day there is no right or wrong answer, you just have to cost it all out, money, logistics, emotions, everyone's coping thresholds... Once you've got a handle on an that you can make the best available choice for your family.

@PimpMyFridge this was my experience too. And we fight about 90% less then we did in the small window we were both working lots.

But all why does one person get to make a universal decision that ‘there’s more to life than money’ which ultimately means the other had to work more to earn it and they get to spend less time with loved ones?

Sorry, but who exactly is wondering why their children are distant? My dc isn't distant in the slightest - quite the contrary, we are extremely close, and actually far closer than I ever was to my own mum who was a SAHP. Are you trying to insinuate that WOHMs are somehow less good at parenting? Because I'm afraid you'll find that the evidence doesn't back you up on that.

If you don't care about fairness and mutual respect in your relationship, that's your choice, but personally, I think your attitude is a very poor foundation for a relationship. And the OP has said that she doesn't want to split up, so she either needs to reach some kind of agreement with her DH or accept that he has the freedom to walk away from a relationship that is no longer working for him.

I was diagnosed with a serious (lifelong) illness last summer and had an anxious wait as it could have been MND.

I didnt and don't regret the time spent on my career. It's provided my children with a happy and stable life full of opportunities and experiences. And I find it interesting and fulfilling. I pay for a cleaner so I can enjoy my free time with my children and DH does more than half the remaining house work .

But all this is by the by. Op is on notice he is potentially not commited for the long haul so she has to start thinking about providing for herself and her child. I don't think anyone regrets working when it's necessary . I took pride in working and not being dependent on benefits.

@MrsBennetsPoorNerves been married 22 years, relationship good thanks. I’m not the one getting angry on a mumsnet thread😉. Yes I’ll be honest I think it’s a shame if mothers work when they financially don’t need to when children are not at school. If you need to you need to, I’ve been in that position. And it was worse for my family and my children. The op doesn’t need to, her husband wants her to. He’s putting his needs ahead of the happiness of his child and wife and threatening to leave is she doesn’t jump to his command.

The DH sounds like a bully, it was ok before she had kids but now it’s a problem and if she doesn’t do what he says he will leave her. And by the sound of it be the kind of man that resents paying child support.

Walking out of a relationship that ‘just isn’t working for him’ because his wife won’t spend all of her earnings on childcare and wants to look after the child herself is very casual. If they are married and said vows then that’s not really the deal is it. To have and to hold, until you don’t do what I say.

Yeah but @Ngmi op doesn't get to decide whether her husband walks out on her or not . The rights and wrongs of him doing so are irrelevant, if he does she 'll be in a much better position if she's financially independent

@Hippyhippybake i don’t think the alternative should immediately be for the mother to pack in her job altogether.
The workplace is more flexible than ever and it’s definitely possible to both find roles that offer that flexibility, either they pay enough to take unpaid parental leave, involve compressed hours, can have work from home days etc and all these things help.
3 kids under 4 is very close together and things are always going to be more hectic, so if you work in uncompromising jobs it’s going to be a struggle.

Personally I just fundamentally disagree that it is always better for the mother to quit which many posters seem to suggest. It leads to economic disparity between men and women because ultimately 50% of couples will divorce, it reinforces the idea that caring roles within the family are woman’s work and that housework is the same. In some cases it will make sense for the mother to not work, but by and large I think the best long term solution for everyone in the family is for both parents to consider their children in their career choices and balance accordingly.

@SweetSakura no she doesn’t get to chose. He’s got her over a barrel hasn’t he. Do what I say or I abandon you and our child.

Yes I’ll be honest I think it’s a shame if mothers work when they financially don’t need to when children are not at school.

I don't need your pity or judgement.
I work for the exact same reason my husband does, to provide for my family and because I love my job. And that's fine.

Well , yes he has. But she does get to choose. She can work to become financially independent and then choose to walk away. It's what I did because my ex was abusive

Ultimately no adult has the right to get someone else to support them financially. Ops dh wants her to contribute financially- she doesn’t get to unilaterally decide he has to earn all the money.

There’s no evidence that it advantages children to have their mothers not work. Some women (and men) simply don’t want to work

Yes I’ll be honest I think it’s a shame if mothers work when they financially don’t need to when children are not at school.

And I think it's a shame when women are made to feel guilty as a result of the ignorant, sexist judgemental crap that is sometimes spouted by people who clearly have no idea what they're talking about. I think it's a shame when talented, intelligent women like my mother get to the end of their lives and regret having wasted their potential because they felt like they needed to stay at home in order to be good mothers. I think it's a shame that women like my friend end up trapped in unhappy relationships because they have thrown away their own earning potential and have lost the confidence to go it alone.

I'm glad that your choices have worked for you, but I feel sorry for your kids and their future partners if you've passed on your outdated sexist views to them.

not sure where the whole "what if woman had a terminal illness" thing came through

what if the husband did? what sort of life summary he would have had working extra to provide for another adult, not spending time with his kids and knowing his wife's earning will only ever cover "bits and bobs"?

Of course this is only speculative talking because neither op nor her husband is about to die

That’s why women should keep their own independent jobs unlike what you advocate. Otherwise they have to do what someone else says.

tbf if a relationship is not working out then people can choose to leave. But it’s women like you who advocate leaving yourself vulnerable.

If a wife and mother had a terminal illness the dh would have another woman move in.

Ive known men take their gf to nursing homes to visit their dw while she’s alive and fully compis mentis, more than once.

Men like to move on.

But she can certainly have boundaries and expect him to step up and do his 1/2 of parenting and hw and picking up the dcs.

This thread is full of peop,eg saying that they worked full time and it was/is great.
Its also the same people who say

• they enjoy their job
• Their DH pulls his weight
• they have a cleaner once a week.

im not sure if those posters realise how privileged they are. Privileged (unfortunately!,) to

• have a career/job they chose and enjoy. Not a job that pays the bills but you hate or makes you ill or is simply draining any job out if you
• have a DH that agreed to pull his weight - not a given and certainly not a given in the OP’s case.
• they have enough income to have a cleaner (have family around who helps etc…). Many people just survive with two incomes. They don’t have tte ability to ease things off to enjoy time with the dcs at the WE.

As pointed by others, many families also struggle with dealing with hols etc… and the sheer cost if it too.

So it’s be nice if people were not depicting an easy life when actually it is nowhere near as easy as they make out fir most people.

I am just sharing my opinion as is everyone else. I’m not throwing around insults or getting cross. I feel for the OP she sounds like a good mother.

I just don’t get the sense from this thread of what a Sahp can potentially contribute to everyone, including the parent who continues to work. I completely accept that for many people not having 2 full time incomes isn’t possible but for many, taking childcare costs into account it is to some extent and for some length of time.

Depending on how unhappy he is, he may consider that to be preferable to remaining in the current situation.

He’d be financially responsible for himself, and responsible for paying child support. Probably less than he’s spending now, and he would be free to live somewhere he wants to.

Yep.

She also has tte choice if telling him to fuck off because guilt tripping and threats have no place in a relationship.
Go back to work full time (which she never said was an issue as such. Just that she wanted to spend that time with dc when they are small).
And that half of the house etc…

oh and insist on 50/50 for the child so she can have her career, getting to date again, some breaks from parenting and he’ll have to handle all the stuff he doesn’t do just right now, incl having to think about his child and their constraints when working. A shame fir his career but hey Ho that’s what happens when you become a father right?

People say this, but in reality she can’t force him to have 50/50.

That's exactly the thing though. It's all well and fine for my husband to spout such selfish platitudes to justify him deciding to be a mostly SAHD, but how does he think I feel having to work like a dog to support his Disneyland dad ambitions?! There's more to my life than money too and I could drop dead tomorrow!

Yes a nicer house factors into my long term planning, but the overriding factor is stability and comfort for our family, and not having the bulk of the financial burden on 1 person (me). I think it's just manipulative to try and paint me as some kind of money grubber while he cavorts around with the kids.

You’d think this was an MRA site not a site for mothers. Men have no responsibility to their wives and children and can leave at any time and pay minimal child support if they fancy. Women’s contributions in terms of childcare and household responsibilities are meaningless on mumsnet.

You’d think anyone not making money for someone sense and dedicating that time to nurturing their children and creating a happy home life is wasting their time. Mothering well is a wonderful thing and should be valued by society, but it seems it is not valued here. Only a man’s feelings about not what is best for his wider family.

No, she can't. I don't know why people think you can.