Dh resents my lack of ambitions… DS is 3 yo

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Dh and I have a 3 year old son who is due to start morning school nursery soon. I currently work 2.5 days a week and Dh is full time self employed. He earns a lot and we’re comfortable at the moment but we don’t like where we live and want to move to a different area and get a bigger house. Dh actually hates our house… it’s a new build and the neighbours are a nightmare, the parkings atrocious, the house itself is pretty naff… it makes him super angry every single day.
I have an ordinary type of job and the money is poor. I don’t pay anything towards bills but I pay for childcare and bits and bobs like clothes and toys and the like.
Recently arguments have been brewing. He’s clearly resenting me that we rely so heavily on his earnings. He says for us to move to a bigger and better house I need to be working and earning more to help cover the bills should he be out of work (his work is contract based).
The only thing is then we would need a lot more childcare. And i love the routine I have at the moment and the thought of seeing my son a lot less literally makes me cry. I’m sure other mothers will understand this but he really doesn’t get it.
It’s all come to a head and he has threatened to sell up and get a divorce due to my “lack of ambition.” I don’t want this. He gets frustrated because Im not a career person but he has known this since he met me 14 years ago. But he is so unhappy in this house it’s making him ill, he’s desperate to move which is why there is so much pressure on me. I’ve told him I’ll do whatever it takes so I’m going to start looking at better jobs/courses etc. I just wanted to see what you all thought. As a mother to a young child it just feels wrong. But clearly it’s what my relationship needs.

I'm not saying he should do those things, just that it would be naive for op to not prepare herself for the possibility that he could. Working enough to not be dependent makes op far less vulnerable.

@Ngmi your sense of moral obligation towards your kids means little when your partner says outright that they will not support you.

even if we all agreed that what he did was a dick move it does not change the fact that as a person with minimum earning power there is nothing you can do if someone tells you "i will not be paying for you and im leaving". it leaves YOU in a vulnerable position to rely on someone financially

If they actually do break up and arrange 50/50 care, it’s not likely to benefit op. She is my far the lowest earner and 50/50 will mean no maintenance and likely an equal distribution of assets.

also looking after kids 50% of the time will not necessarily affect his careers. I’m a single parent to two primary school age kids and manage to work full time in a professional job. So it is perfectly possible to work and raise a family.

What was the point of that comment? If that’s what you think why on earth would you quit your job to stay home and cook his dinners?

The reality is you have a shitty social circle. I have known many men who have cared for their wives right the way through a terminal illness. From moral support at the start to holding them on the toilet and cleaning them like a toddler.

Women move on just as much as men do.

If someone, woman or man, isn’t happy carrying the majority financial burden in their marriage then they are absolutely entitled to leave. That sort of set up only works if two are in agreement, it isn’t a decision that can be made unilaterally.

Personally I’m very glad my mother worked full time, as it hasn’t just (significantly) benefited her and my father, but my brother and I too. I wouldn’t have swapped any of what they were jointly able to provide us for a parent that stayed at home for a period of time I can’t even remember.

@whumpthereitis when they don’t need the money and they have a pre-school child which the care of will cost most of her earnings. It’s not about needing the money it’s about wanting the power.

And if they are married then you say vows, for richer for poorer. Not I will leave if you don’t do what I say.

You have weird and awful friends

By the way, where does the idea that a couple living in a naff house in a bad area is "financially stable" enough to rely on one income? it sounds like they actually do need more money or they wouldn't be rising their kids in a bad neighbourhood

I dunno it just seems kind of depressing that in some of these posts marriage sounds like some sort of grim competitive pact where each partner has to match each other’s financial contribution penny for penny and household jobs task for task.

Dh and I prefer to look at our overall household/children/lifestyle as a whole and figure out how we can achieve the best outcome for us all. At some point no doubt one will be working harder than the other but over time it tends to even out.

Lol - @Ngmi youre the one who thinks women won’t look as nice for their husbands if they work!

it’s just reality that men (and indeed women) can leave a relationship and will often not pay any maintenance at all. It’s not right (that they won’t pay maintenance not that they have the freedom to leave) but there you are.

men (and women) in a relationship have the right to expect the other party to financially contribute. You don’t get to trot out some outdated stereotypes to get out of being an adult.

It needs discussion not threats so financially will you be better off working more hours? With the childcare cost increase? What about school holidays? Child sick days? Bank Holidays? Inset days? Take them in turn? Or are you supposed to get a unicorn job where these things are worked out or are just not a problem

maybe hold your horses on judgement of how sad it is, since you've said yourself that your husband works extra long hours and sometimes needs to travel for work - something that would be unacceptable for a lot of people as a marriage arrangement even without kids

I think it’s just that both parties are expected to contribute equally (more or less) in a relationship. You don’t get to expect that one partner will make the money. Op and her family are financially struggling but she’s only working part time. What would you say if op was a man?

Sorry but for the life of me I really can’t imagine finding a spouse travelling for work unacceptable when I now don’t work.

Yeah, and my family could have survived on my father’s wage too. They didn’t want to though, and good for them! There’s nothing wrong with wanting more, and like it or not money does provide a lot in the way of opportunity. What my parents were able to provide us (that we still benefit from in multiple ways) I am grateful for, like I said.

Actually people can make up their own vows, so technically you don’t need to promise that one at all. Even if you did, you are still free to leave if the relationship isn’t working for you any more. For whatever reason.

I have quite a few friends where the female is the main breadwinner (and a couple where the man doesn’t work at all). I just don’t value contribution to a household as purely financial and nor does my dh. Of course if people need two incomes to make ends meet that’s completely different but it’s not my situation.

and for the life of me i cannot see a point in being married if my husband is mostly away from home

i much prefer working, sharing finances and actually, you know, having a husband physically present

So you would think it’s totally acceptable for the DH to just drop down to 2 days work then? And OP should be fine with him making that unilateral decision because ‘for richer or for poorer’?

I also dont get this whole "but you dont need money" - i genuinely think its just excuse, especially when one parent not working actually leads to poor housing conditions for the entire family

both of my parents worked and we spend a lot of time together, and we didn't need for anything financially.

Mostly away from home? He is currently away one week in four but that’s only been the case for 5 months out of 26 years!

for context, im speaking from point of view of someone who was a main earner at home and my ex's laziness and entitlement was one of the reasons why I've left him. We didn't have children so not entirely comparable scenario, but I remember frustration of always working more and trying to earn more, and never getting anywhere because the other person had a list of excuses longer than deluxe toilet paper roll

(im not saying this in relation to OP, just as an example of why one person not working / working a little can be frustrating).

Do you not think it's insulting when you make comments suggesting that the children of working mothers will be "distant"?

You're entitled to your opinion and I'm entitled to mine, but let's not pretend that you haven't made some nasty, snide little digs on here towards mothers who work outside the home. I'm not sure if that's because you need to denigrate the choices made by others in order to feel better about your own, or whether you are just a nasty person more generally, but the smug judgemental comments say far more about you than they do about working mothers.

I couldn't give a toss whether other parents work or not. As long as what they're doing works for them and their families, that's all that matters in my view. But I have zero tolerance for those who seek to elevate their choice to SAH by trying to imply that they are somehow superior parents. That's just bullshit, and frankly, it's a bit sad that you clearly feel the need to try so hard.

I have always wanted to work, my dd has thrived and I've never felt an ounce of guilt, because I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I was doing what was best for my family. However, some women do struggle with guilt and the shitty judgemental comments make it really bloody difficult for them.

@SueVineer read my comment again about looks and my comment after it. You are really reaching there to find something offensive in my comment. What I was saying is if she gets a job he will find something else to berate her for. Real or imagined, as he sounds like a bully.

I’m worried that the anger you think is house related, will continue after you move.

and what about the 60hours long weeks? he nearly doubles my FT hours, I would never want my husband to work this much and then be away from home a week every month. when would he spend time with kids? with me?

to me that's too little time spend together, for you it works fine...so unlike you i wont feel depressed for your situation even though i would have been definitely depressed if i was in a similar one