Dh resents my lack of ambitions… DS is 3 yo

[Blipblopblap]

Dh and I have a 3 year old son who is due to start morning school nursery soon. I currently work 2.5 days a week and Dh is full time self employed. He earns a lot and we’re comfortable at the moment but we don’t like where we live and want to move to a different area and get a bigger house. Dh actually hates our house… it’s a new build and the neighbours are a nightmare, the parkings atrocious, the house itself is pretty naff… it makes him super angry every single day.
I have an ordinary type of job and the money is poor. I don’t pay anything towards bills but I pay for childcare and bits and bobs like clothes and toys and the like.
Recently arguments have been brewing. He’s clearly resenting me that we rely so heavily on his earnings. He says for us to move to a bigger and better house I need to be working and earning more to help cover the bills should he be out of work (his work is contract based).
The only thing is then we would need a lot more childcare. And i love the routine I have at the moment and the thought of seeing my son a lot less literally makes me cry. I’m sure other mothers will understand this but he really doesn’t get it.
It’s all come to a head and he has threatened to sell up and get a divorce due to my “lack of ambition.” I don’t want this. He gets frustrated because Im not a career person but he has known this since he met me 14 years ago. But he is so unhappy in this house it’s making him ill, he’s desperate to move which is why there is so much pressure on me. I’ve told him I’ll do whatever it takes so I’m going to start looking at better jobs/courses etc. I just wanted to see what you all thought. As a mother to a young child it just feels wrong. But clearly it’s what my relationship needs.

It's a difficult position on both sides. I get your sadness. I am currently a SAHM with a 2 year old and 6 month old. We'll be looking at sending DD to pre-school at 3, likely to be full time and DS will go to nursery then aswell so I'll be going back to work.
However, I have had the discussion with DH that me going back to work and kids in full time childcare will mean an even split of everything child related, cooking etc. which he does seem happy with as all household costs will also be split.
It might not work for you but it's definitely something to discuss with your DH

@whumpthereitis
To your point about manipulation. I had noticed that whenever a man states his opinion and feelings and they differ from that of the of the female poster, those feelings are invariably called manipulative. There is n.o such thing as a legitimate difference of opinion, or a valid difference of perspective.

If he is stating that he would rather be divorced than to continue living under the current circumstances, that is not manipulation, that is an honest expression of his feelings. He cannot force the OP to do anything. It is conceivable that she too might prefer divorce rather than attempting to become a " career woman "

At the moment. It seems that they are both frustrated with their current living situation. The OP has not stated that he wants a bigger house or that he wants to live in a more affluent neighborhood. She has stated that he wants to get out of the current house and the issues in that neighborhood. The OP has the seem feelings about their current location.

I agree that saying that he wants to divorce isn't necessarily manipulative.

If he is just saying it to coerce the OP into doing what he wants her to do, then yes, he is being manipulative.

If he is actually at the point where he is no longer happy in the relationship and can't see a workable way forward, then he is merely expressing how he honestly feels.

It is not unreasonable for him to want to end the relationship if the status quo is making him unhappy and they can't agree on how to change it.

It is very, very stressful being the main financial provider when your husband/wife has unilaterally decided to be a mostly SAHP. I would consider divorce in that situation.

Id probably approach it with ruthless pragmatism and a spreadsheet. This amount for full time childcare. This amount for your possible jncome. Plus his amount. A firm line that if you do this then all life admin and domestic chores are 50/50. Then decide between you. It might be that once dc starts school is the more obviously advantageous time to go back to work FT. I'd recommend FT for any woman with kids in school, for a start he's contracted so he's earnings more readily drop than an employer person. And, SAHP are financially vulnerable in the long run if anything goes wrong and he's making noises about divorce bevause of the living situation. It doesn't sound very stable right now

I don't see how it's manipulation to say you're unhappy in your marriage and are contemplating divorce if that's the truth.

Would she prefer he just upped and left one day with no warning?

He's been unhappy for a long time according to the OP.

There's more to life than bricks and mortar.

There's more to contributing to family life beyond money.

If you were diagnosed with a terminal disease tomorrow, what do you think you would wish you'd done more of - work or spending time with your loved ones? He needs to understand that.

@mimi912

Tbh, if I had a terminal illness and was in danger of dying and leaving behind a partner with my young children, I would be desperately wishing that I was leaving my children in the hands of someone who was fully prepared to adequately provide for my children.

I would feel that I had failed my children if I were to be leaving then in the hands of someone who had little ambition I would likely be thinking will my children's future be dependent upon my spouse's ability to find another partner to assume t full financial responsibility for all of them.

Concern for your children's future should be one of the things that informs your choice of a spouse. If your spouse has no ambition for themselves, how can you assume that they will suddenly become ambitious should they be left to care for your children?

So if he decides that he wants to spend more time with his loved ones instead of working, is that OK? If he decides that he has had enough of the pressure of being the main breadwinner, can he decide to limit his hours to 2.5 days per week because there's more to contributing to family life than money?

If I was diagnosed with a terminal illness tomorrow, I would indeed want to spend more time with my loved ones, but I would also be very proud of what I have achieved in my career to date and grateful for having been able to do that.

If my DH was diagnosed with a terminal illness tomorrow, I would be relieved today we didn't have financial worries to deal with on top of his illness and grateful for my own ability to keep the family afloat so that he wouldn't have to even think about this.

A somewhat trite response. Usually the sort of people who make these kind of comments have never had to worry about money or a roof over their heads.

He has sacrificed a lot of time with family and being with his kids to work those long hours.

If I was diagnosed with a terminal disease tomorrow I would wish I had more time.

I would also be grateful that my career meant that my final weeks or months wouldn’t be worrying about money. That my kids, wouldn’t lose their home. It’s funny how things like ‘just bricks and mortar’ become very important when it’s a home you shared with someone who has now gone.

My career and earnings would mean Dp could take time off to spend as much time with me as possible and take the time, after I died, that he needed to grieve.

I would be grateful that my earnings gave them time and options such as counselling.

People who have never been piss poor (and I have) often don’t acknowledge that even when a problem comes up that money can’t fix, that money give you options.

My career meant that when the kids Dad, completely out of the blue, had a mental breakdown and became dangerous I could afford to take time off, get us a new home sorted, pay for therapy and settle the kids into a new life. Again, bricks and mortar becomes incredibly important at times like this. Our home is incredibly important to us.

My career has meant I can give my kids options my parents and grandparents could never have given me. And since one is a fully functioning, happy, healthy adult…..I am happy with my choice.

If I was diagnosed as terminal, my career and work isn’t something I would regret.

So he should only work a couple days a week so he can also spent that time with his family too?

Or the type of answer someone who has gone through that would do.

Because the reality is that working until you collapse, not seeing your dcs because your mind is always on your business, prioritising your work over family etc… isn’t going to be a lot if help if you get ill or will die.

And in the same way, not having ANY financial independence, struggling to make meets end at the end of each ,ont his so stressful that it doesn’t compensate for the time with dcs etc…

However, having been the one who is seriously ill, had to stop work etc… I promise you that you do t think about how great it was to be at work, how amazing your career was. You think about your family, your dcs and the good times you spent with them.
There is a balance to find. It’s not an all or nothing but putting work above anything else certainly doesn’t help.

btw if death/illness worries you so much, then you take an insurance. There is no reason to insist your partner matches your income ‘in case you get ill or die’

Yes one of the first things we did when I gave up work was to review insurance coverage, both work and personal and put really good cover in place.

Yet this couple isn't worrying about a roof over their heads. He doesn't like it.
He can't be that worried about the money, he wants a bigger house, somehow blaming the op for his thought process.
If he wanted equity in financial matters he should've chosen someone else.

It’s a bit of a tough one as I see both sides. OP, going for FT employment and contributing more wouldn’t make you less of a mum than you are now.
TBH, I’d recommend working more and building your own savings. I always recommend a woman build up her own money cos you never know when things might take a turn for the worst and you two will have to go your separate ways; and you might then be stuck in an unhappy situ cos you haven’t got enough money.

your child is 3, the current economic climate doesn’t help matters. Your financial situation doesn’t sound like you can depend on one and a half income either.
Make a plan as to how many hours more you might need childcare for if you work FT and then see if it make sense.

He chose OP, but he doesn’t have to stay with her. Whether you think his unhappiness is justified or not, he is unhappy and has expressed that to OP. She can of course ignore him and carry on as she is, which will likely result in the breakdown of the marriage and OP having to find full time work anyway.

Sad that there are so many women on this thread happy to pay every penny they earn for someone else to watch their children just so thing feel fair for a man. Then people wonder why their kids are distant. Mothers are supposed to be with their children, I’m sorry you are going through this op. It sounds like he’s just not that in to be a father if he was fine before you had kids. Probably jealous of your relationship with the child so trying to split you up. As soon as you are working full time it will be you are expecting too much of him in terms of shared parenting/house work/ you don’t look as good as you did now you’re tired…

"Alex, what is projection?"

Fuck me! Are you suggesting women shouldn’t work incase it makes them lose their looks?

Who said they work just so their husbands feel it’s fair?

Is it sad when dads work full time?

@PowerBMI no I’m saying the husband sounds like a bully who will make up another reason to berate the OP once she has got a full time job and clutch on to anything to put her down, real or imagined.

Im specifically referring to posters on this thread saying it’s unfair for her to work part time, even though they don’t need the money.

it’s not as sad when dads work full time as in the majority of cases the mother is the primary attachment figure, as is natural as we carry birth and breast feed the children so create stronger bonds in infancy. There are exceptions, but this is generally the rule.

It is confusing as so many posters on here make it sound like FT work for both parents with small children is easily manageable and yet the current thread on the mismatch between school holidays and annual leave is full of people saying what a nightmare it is to manage. Nightmare was certainly my experience when we both worked full time with 3 children under 4.

Some people are suggesting that both parents take their full holiday allowance separately just to cover the holidays. I can see that for many this is only the option but gosh this seems tough on everyone.

The impact on a marriage if you don’t share a holiday for twenty odd years will be significant but the sacrifices are always played down,

His life certainly won’t be any easier if they divorce and he has ti find somewhere else to live, manage the payments to op and start again? It doesn’t sound like he has thought it through.