Dh resents my lack of ambitions… DS is 3 yo

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Dh and I have a 3 year old son who is due to start morning school nursery soon. I currently work 2.5 days a week and Dh is full time self employed. He earns a lot and we’re comfortable at the moment but we don’t like where we live and want to move to a different area and get a bigger house. Dh actually hates our house… it’s a new build and the neighbours are a nightmare, the parkings atrocious, the house itself is pretty naff… it makes him super angry every single day.
I have an ordinary type of job and the money is poor. I don’t pay anything towards bills but I pay for childcare and bits and bobs like clothes and toys and the like.
Recently arguments have been brewing. He’s clearly resenting me that we rely so heavily on his earnings. He says for us to move to a bigger and better house I need to be working and earning more to help cover the bills should he be out of work (his work is contract based).
The only thing is then we would need a lot more childcare. And i love the routine I have at the moment and the thought of seeing my son a lot less literally makes me cry. I’m sure other mothers will understand this but he really doesn’t get it.
It’s all come to a head and he has threatened to sell up and get a divorce due to my “lack of ambition.” I don’t want this. He gets frustrated because Im not a career person but he has known this since he met me 14 years ago. But he is so unhappy in this house it’s making him ill, he’s desperate to move which is why there is so much pressure on me. I’ve told him I’ll do whatever it takes so I’m going to start looking at better jobs/courses etc. I just wanted to see what you all thought. As a mother to a young child it just feels wrong. But clearly it’s what my relationship needs.

Not all sahms are educated or motivated though.

I’m not here to convince you. It’s not about going to playgrounds. You come across as fairly close minded yourself tbh. In the best of worlds a child would have both education at nursery and time with their parents. There is no way nursery can do your job, and there is absolutely no way you could do the job of nursery teachers.

OP we were in a similar position in that we knew we wanted to move house except in our case it was me who hated our house. Anyway i went back fulltime when DD was nine months as it's what was needed at THAT time and it was absolutely fine. We got sorted and got our new mortgage and had another DC and now I'm a full time sahm so basically what I'm saying is that once you move house and get settled if you hate working full time (in our case it just didn't work as DH was travelling a lot) you can look at reducing your hours.
However in your case your DH seems overly upset about the house situation so I'm wondering if there are other issues

A 3 year old doesn't need their horizons broadened, they need security and love. IMO various nursery caregivers don't offer this is the same way as a parent.

Yes, I didn't need to do the job of nursery staff because I only had to concentrate on one child.

You are narrow minded. Again, a combination of both worlds. And no, not just one child as it is important to learn social skills like waiting for your turn and learn about how other childrens lifes are. A child that is two will never be as clever again in their life, that is when their brain form synapses like it’s the end of the world.

So no, we don’t have to agree, and you don’t want to (or can’t) see that it’s not everything is black or white. You can’t teach your child everything as you simply don’t have the ability to. Which is good, because your job is to be a decent parent, not a teacher.

Why is everyone wittering on about SAHMs ?
OP is not one, she works 2.5 days a week therefore the discussion is pretty irrelevant.

@IbitebecauseIwantto it's not narrow minded to believe that the best thing for my kids is to have me looking after them. You're entitled to believe that nursery is a good thing, just like I'm entitled to believe otherwise.

Going to playgroups is all about waiting your turn and learning about others, but doing it in the knowledge that your mum is right there to have your back should some other kid start acting up.

With the best will in the world, a nursery worker cannot always advocate for your child in every situation, whereas a parent can.

Anyway, as interesting as this all is, my kids are a lot older and I'm happy with how I did things, so will bow out now.

Good luck with whatever you decide OP.

@Dacadactyl that really depends on the parent- not all are equal in terms of offering love and security sadly

@Dacadactyl With the best will in the world, a nursery worker cannot always advocate for your child in every situation, whereas a parent can

Why can a nursery worker not advocate for your child in the way a mother at a playgroup could though?
It doesn’t sound like you know much about how things work in a nursery setting.

Perhaps you could get an additional part time job when he isn’t working so he can look after your DC and take care of the chores for a day and there will be no additional childcare costs. This will give him an insight, if he hasn’t already, into the fact you taking on more responsibilities outside the home will mean he has to step up more on the home front. I do think working should pay for more than bits and bobs but equally you mention childcare and your DH needs childcare to be free to work too so that is a joint cost.

This is actually an excellent idea. Get a weekend job, let him look after the kids and do the housework. No childcare costs!

If he's threatening to divorce you, he's telling you he doesn't love you. That's your biggest problem right there.

No relationship either.

He works all week.
Op works all weekend plus 2.5 days.
Recipe for ships in the night.
This thread is crazy.
An extra 2.5 days isn't going to buy the ops husband Windsor castle. It's amazing to see how relationships are de prioritized for material goals.

Did the Op says he wants Windsor castle?

She describes the house as naff. Bigger and better than naff isn’t Windsor castle.

Going ft would bring in - on paper before childcare- an extra £10-15k per annum. If mortgages are calculated the way they used to be that would get them £30-45k more of a house - minus all the moving costs.
It's not a particularly valid argument.

I see a man who believes he deserves more than he has, suddenly changing the goalposts. Or maybe as he is unhappy he feels his DW should be as well.

I might say differently if the OP wasn't working at all.

Let's all work weekends and retrain so we can have extra sq footage.
It is a nice area I can have sympathy for but to threaten divorce.
Not very caring is he?

An extra 2.5 days isn't going to buy the ops husband Windsor castle. It's amazing to see how relationships are de prioritized for material goals.

The Op describes the house as naff, the neighbours as nightmares and days the parking is atrocious. All valid reasons to want to move.

The question still stands. Does the op have the skill set to earn enough to solve the husband's complaint?
As for the hubby, he needs to look at making the move from self-employment to running a business. This will ultimately give him the financial security he craves.

That really isn't the question though. The question the op needs to ask is "how can I earn enough to make an ok life if we split". Because they aren't on the same page at all.

You didn’t ask a question though.

You made a statement that she couldn’t earn enough to get Windsor castle. Of course she couldn’t. Very few people do.

But that doesn’t mean she could earn enough to be able to move.

*couldn’t earn enough to be able to move

I work 2.5 days a week too and that's pretty standard in my social circle. You are not a sahm if you work PT so I'm not sure why everyone is saying that.

There would be no point in me upping my hours right now as the increase in wages would be cancelled out by childcare costs anyway, I expect it is the same for you.

I think your DP is being unrealistic really. However if the area you are in is horrible I'd definitely be looking to compromise by looking to move, but not upsizing just finding a similar house elsewhere.

It sounds as if he is overwhelmed with the stress of not liking where he lives. Sometimes stress can make us act in ways that we wouldn’t normally.

in your situation I would sit down with a spreadsheet and make some plans: what would the new house cost, the mortgage cost, stamp duty, what salary would you both need. Also look at other cheaper locations perhaps. Then factor in childcare costs for the next 1-2yrs and then after school care etc. Once you have a full financial picture things might be clearer.

Perhaps there is a new line of work you can do that you’d enjoy more, or earn more from.

I work full time through choice and see lots of my children, most roles are flexible. I can WFH a few days, and attend all school things that I want to. All my team with children will pop out for plays and sports days.

If your living situation is causing this much stress I do think you need to work together to find a solution that doesn’t make either of you miserable.

Yep same here, it’s not pleasant place to be

Well, he can’t tell her what to do, no, but he can decide to end the relationship, at which point OP is likely going to need to look for full time employment anyway.

I don’t think ‘threatening divorce’ is necessarily manipulative. He’s been telling OP that he’s unhappy, and it’s now reached the point where something has to change because he’s not willing to continue on as he has been. He’s communicating with her, that she doesn’t like what he is communicating does not make it manipulative.