Dh resents my lack of ambitions… DS is 3 yo

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Dh and I have a 3 year old son who is due to start morning school nursery soon. I currently work 2.5 days a week and Dh is full time self employed. He earns a lot and we’re comfortable at the moment but we don’t like where we live and want to move to a different area and get a bigger house. Dh actually hates our house… it’s a new build and the neighbours are a nightmare, the parkings atrocious, the house itself is pretty naff… it makes him super angry every single day.
I have an ordinary type of job and the money is poor. I don’t pay anything towards bills but I pay for childcare and bits and bobs like clothes and toys and the like.
Recently arguments have been brewing. He’s clearly resenting me that we rely so heavily on his earnings. He says for us to move to a bigger and better house I need to be working and earning more to help cover the bills should he be out of work (his work is contract based).
The only thing is then we would need a lot more childcare. And i love the routine I have at the moment and the thought of seeing my son a lot less literally makes me cry. I’m sure other mothers will understand this but he really doesn’t get it.
It’s all come to a head and he has threatened to sell up and get a divorce due to my “lack of ambition.” I don’t want this. He gets frustrated because Im not a career person but he has known this since he met me 14 years ago. But he is so unhappy in this house it’s making him ill, he’s desperate to move which is why there is so much pressure on me. I’ve told him I’ll do whatever it takes so I’m going to start looking at better jobs/courses etc. I just wanted to see what you all thought. As a mother to a young child it just feels wrong. But clearly it’s what my relationship needs.

Relaxed? We have very different ideas of relaxation 😄

It sounds very sensible and relaxed.

No need to feel stress, you don’t need to have all balls in the air unless you’re a circus clown. It is fine.

@Translucentwaters I wouldn't say I ever 'drop' a ball though. For me personally a dropped ball would be a child in a bad situation (mentally, school-wise, physically), getting into trouble at work, my marriage feeling neglected, forgetting to pay my car tax etc. Nothing like that has ever really happened, although I know I'm lucky to say that. I also don't feel particularly overwhelmed or like I'm operating at a high level of stress, but I probably felt more that way when my children were younger (12 and 8 now, and they feel more self-sufficient). I've always had a busy, full life though so this is kind of a good pace for me, and means I have lots of different areas of my life which is very fulfilling for me.

@PaintedEgg I agree - I feel my life is relatively relaxed! It's full but not frantic, which is how I like it. And I too would find the other way of living much harder mentally.

we clearly do - for example, i dont stress if chores need to wait

When both parents are involved with children and housework it really does not take that much time

You are describing what life is mostly like where I live. It’s a very good life. In England every other adult seem to have mh problems because of stress nowadays..

You’d fit in well! 😂

'I think' Isn't the same as 'I know' though is it?

As for the 'ball dropping' comments, you sound so patronising. Some people are capable and enjoy juggling lots of things. It doesn't mean they 'drop the ball' and it doesn't necessarily mean they are stressed, Everyone is different.

I love having a busy life. I thrive. I hate not having a lot to do, I find that stressful.

@IbitebecauseIwantto Interesting comment! I grew up in a couple of different countries across the world because of my father's job and a lot of my friends are international, I have DEFINITELY taken a lot of inspiration for childrearing and running a home from them/their cultures.

not to mention that being so dependent financially on your spouse means having a ball dropped on your head when they decide to no longer support you

this thread literally illustrates this: OP has no choice. However she argues, she has nothing to argue with

she has no money, if she refuses to change jobs or gets more hours her husband leaves her and she is stuck in a naff house with bad neighbours, custody split and still needing a new job or more hours

or she does exactly as her husband tells her and gets no say in the decision

Like I said I really don’t mean to offend anyone, and I love England. But the difference is so big and it’s like some women ruin it for themselves. And the fact that so many have mh problems now is really not good. I like that you have taken inspiration from different cultures and made it your own, that is pretty cool!

I also agree with these messages, as a high earning, single parent.

When both parents are involved with children and housework it really does not take that much time

Had this been the norm in England, it would have solved so many problems. Most problems I’d say.

Well that is debatable as children's educational attainment is directly linked to parental income so the idea of struggling along on one income to stay home with your children can more often than not limit their long term prospects.

This happened to one of the staff that I lime managed, except that it was her daughter and she was very unwell for 2 years.

As a parent myself, there was no question in my mind that her daughter would come first, so we worked around her and made adjustments as necessary. She worked when she could and where she could, and temporarily reduced her hours when she needed to, and we were flexible in accommodating her because she was a valued member of the team who needed to be cut some slack. We benefitted as an organisation by retaining an excellent member of staff who was very grateful for having been supported through a difficult time. She maintained her career, most of her income and a life away from the challenges at home that provided her a much-needed escape back to normality that she says ultimately saved her sanity.

You might not be able to imagine it because your own experience might be limited, but it is entirely possible to pursue a successful career while keeping your kids as your top priority. It's rather sad to think that some people don't realise this and therefore feel limited in their choices.

well, i think trying to get your husband to do homework with kids cannot be that much harder then trying to force him to support you financially

I can understand where both of you are coming from. While I don't think corporate is the best or even the hardest path (compared to childcare), I do think having "lack of corporate ambition" is a path only open to women / mothers though.

There are fathers on here who unilaterally decided to be full/part time SAHP (and DO parent actively), while their wives have to financially support them, and everytime MN says "LTB".

Saying "you knew I was like this when you met me" wouldn't fly if genders were reversed – people still expect personal growth/development over a decade of marriage (even if what constitutes "personal growth" is subjective).

because there isn’t a job in the land that lets you have random days off for illness and appointments at the drop of a hat several times a month.

Again, this is absolutely fine and to be expected where I live. Noone would bat an eyelid. Family comes first. When one of my dh was little and became too sick to go to nursery my very high earning dh was encouraged to cancel a flight for a meeting so that I could go to work. He did. Everyone survived.

I have literally never seen a MN thread that says the Big Important Man isn't expected to step up and the woman must do it all

Maybe not but ive seen plenty where women are expected to save up and pay for all of their maternity leave like they are Immaculate Conceptions.

@IbitebecauseIwantto This was our experience when we lived in Copenhagen- both parents worked because childcare was cheap and wages higher- yes tax was much higher too but it kind of balanced out- no council tax etc

most jobs do allow sick days for children...now imagine how much easier life is if its not just one but both parents being able to take time off

Yes, we’re happy to pay high taxes. Like you said it balances out and it is fair to everyone.

Grandparents can also take paid time off here if they work, to take care of sick grandchildren. If they would want to.

I think there should be a compromise. So you shouldn't necessarily have to go to work full time but perhaps work more hours than you are. Equally your DH sounds like he's being OTT about the house... unless you live in a crack den in The Bronx he should probably chill out. Can't you move somewhere in budget now if he hates the house that much?

Your child is so young and looking after him is more important than having a bigger house, unfortunately he's going to have to lower his standards regarding a big house

@IbitebecauseIwantto , see, I think the difference is that many other European countries are better set up for two working parents in terms of childcare, both availability and cost. None of this “put the baby’s name down at the 12 week scan and then spend more than your mortgage paying the nursery fees” business. Where I am, there’s very little wraparound care. That does influence people’s professional choices and rightly or wrongly, many women decide to look after their own children ans save the cost. It would be interesting to see whether that changed if the government funded more childcare.

I also think there’s a cultural element in that women are encouraged to think working part-time provides “the perfect balance”. It can do, but it can also be the worst of both worlds where everyone has full time expectations of you at work and home.