Dh resents my lack of ambitions… DS is 3 yo

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Dh and I have a 3 year old son who is due to start morning school nursery soon. I currently work 2.5 days a week and Dh is full time self employed. He earns a lot and we’re comfortable at the moment but we don’t like where we live and want to move to a different area and get a bigger house. Dh actually hates our house… it’s a new build and the neighbours are a nightmare, the parkings atrocious, the house itself is pretty naff… it makes him super angry every single day.
I have an ordinary type of job and the money is poor. I don’t pay anything towards bills but I pay for childcare and bits and bobs like clothes and toys and the like.
Recently arguments have been brewing. He’s clearly resenting me that we rely so heavily on his earnings. He says for us to move to a bigger and better house I need to be working and earning more to help cover the bills should he be out of work (his work is contract based).
The only thing is then we would need a lot more childcare. And i love the routine I have at the moment and the thought of seeing my son a lot less literally makes me cry. I’m sure other mothers will understand this but he really doesn’t get it.
It’s all come to a head and he has threatened to sell up and get a divorce due to my “lack of ambition.” I don’t want this. He gets frustrated because Im not a career person but he has known this since he met me 14 years ago. But he is so unhappy in this house it’s making him ill, he’s desperate to move which is why there is so much pressure on me. I’ve told him I’ll do whatever it takes so I’m going to start looking at better jobs/courses etc. I just wanted to see what you all thought. As a mother to a young child it just feels wrong. But clearly it’s what my relationship needs.

Except there are lots of jobs that enable parents/carers to work flexibly around their family commitments.

One of my senior managers has two very young disabled children. He very regularly has to juggle appointments/childcare/unexpected nursery pickups etc. It's mildly inconvenient at times if meetings have to be moved but we work around it and I'm happy to accommodate him because he is very good at what he does and I want him to stay in his role. His wife works FT in a role that also supports her to be flexible, so they share the demands between them.

Some employers are old fashioned and inflexible, of course, and won't make much effort to accommodate. Many are happy to be flexible but get annoyed by employees who take the piss because they have decided to be the default parent and let their employer pick up the tab while the other parent carries on with their big and important job unhindered. Many are happy to be flexible but observe that lots of employees (especially men!) choose not to take advantage of this. And many recognise that happy employees are generally good employees and that supporting staff to balance their family commitments effectively alongside their work is ultimately good for business.

@WhoHidTheCoffee you are absolutely right, there are many factors and free or very cheap childcare is without a doubt a huge factor. Whereas we pay about £80 a month for nursery (that is included 3 meals, usually homecooked and very nice) people here still think it’s expensive and it should be free. That sum wouldn’t even pay for half of the (organic of course) food..

Agreed. I have climbed the career ladder rapidly despite homelessness (at one point), two children with illnesses that require a lot of appointments and my own chronic illness/disability. I think the key has been a supportive employer and that I always put in the work and the hours so there was a lot of give and take from both sides

It is definitely about finding the right employer (a lot of luck in that I know) and then giving a lot back

Thank you everyone I have read every single
message. I’m so glad I posted. The other mothers children the same age as DS I know in RL don’t work at all, which hasn’t helped. It’s reassuring to know there are other mothers out there who work FT with small children and can survive a normal work/life balance. We will have to do our sums in terms of child care costs (I have no family support) and I will ask him to speak more nicely to me and ask if there’s anything else I need to be concerned about. He is terrible with stress I’m sure it’s because he feels I’m dragging my feet. I do have a close attachment with DS. And maybe I need to get a bit of a grip. I don’t know. But we’ll try come to a solution that works for us all. Thanks again.

Other mothers with children *

It is definitely possible, OP. Apart from mat leave, I worked FT throughout but in very flexible jobs so was able to be around for dd as and when needed. She is a young adult now and I have zero regrets... she is fabulous thriving and we have a great relationship. She is also full of confidence about her own future because she doesn't anticipate having to choose between family and career... she knows that she can have both.

Well I’m amazed to hear so many stories of both parents managing to hold down really demanding, pressured jobs with long hours without any impact on family life, I guess things have changed a lot since I left the workplace in despair 18 years ago. My dh did the same job as me and he’s been travelling now for the past 12 days, I can’t imagine what it would be like if we were both still doing this.

The only couple we know who are still both working full on sent their 3 children to boarding school aged 11 and kept on their full time nanny until the oldest was 16, 3 x sports days, speech days, recitals, plays etc was just too much for them to fit in and the nanny did all their admin too.

@Hippyhippybake depends on what "having no impact on family life" means to them though.

So for us, it was important that if the kids were in a school play and there were 2 showings of it, that someone would be there to support the kids at both the afternoon and evening showing. On occasion, I would go twice myself. Others would find that unnecessary, or would have grandparents at the afternoon one and they'd go to the after school one only.

We didn't have local grandparents and I wasn't about to go to work when I didn't have to.

Same as, I always volunteered and went on school trips. Not every parent would think that is essential.

So I think it depends on the level you want to do things at and what you personally think is important.

And yet people aren’t this surprised when single parents manage it. I would say the opposite, people look down on single parents whose wages or working hours mean they rely on benefits.

I know plenty of couples where both people work in very senior roles and their kids don’t go boarding school

In fact, the more senior I got the easier it became. Even as a single parent.

@Hippyhippybake Well I’m amazed to hear so many stories of both parents managing to hold down really demanding, pressured jobs with long hours without any impact on family life, I guess things have changed a lot since I left the workplace in despair 18 years ago.

Have many people said that? Just because two people are employed full time doesn’t mean they are working really long hours. Most couples I know both have a level of flexibility within their roles whether that’s flexitime, compressed hours or working from home.

Why did the couple you know need a full time nanny if their kids went to boarding school?

Also to the 2 people who said I CBA working I worked full time from the minute I left school til I had my son.

who said anything about very long hours? normal working week FT is 35-42h with a lot of companies now offering flexibility as to when you start and finish your working day

I’m full of admiration for single parents - hats off to them, I think they are great for holding down a job and being a sole carer for children and deserve nothing but support.

Our friends who kept their nanny on despite three children being at boarding school did so because they both worked full time in city jobs which just didn’t have the flexibility to allow them to collect the children on time for exeats, be with them for 14 weeks of school holidays and attend all the term time plays, recitals and other school commitments x 3.

So for us, it was important that if the kids were in a school play and there were 2 showings of it, that someone would be there to support the kids at both the afternoon and evening showing. On occasion, I would go twice myself. Others would find that unnecessary, or would have grandparents at the afternoon one and they'd go to the after school one only.

Completely not the point but you aren't even allowed to do that at our school.
Limited tickets mean we only get 2 per family so you're limited to one show only!

And re the long hours, this was the context I was talking about from the beginning. Obviously I can see that 2 parents each working around 40 hours a week is manageable but 2 working in excess of 60 hours a week plus travel is a lot more difficult to make work.

@GCSister we are limited for tickets, but it's always been that each family gets 2 tickets for afternoon and a further 2 for evening showing if requested.

Then if they have space in the hall, you can request further tickets for each show on a first come first served basis.

kids benefit from having more contact with the other children so having a day or two extra at childcare will probably benefit your son. Children who are kept at home too long with little exposure to school-like environment have an awful time when first going to school at later stage - not just from point of view of teachers, its reallt stressful for children themselves (ask any parent whose child started school during the lockdown).

Your husband definitely should NOT be mean to you, but a bit fairer split of finances (and household work!) is probably somewhat overdue. It may well be that this whole situation is more stressful for you then it will be for your son

same at my step daughter's school - the two showings are due to limited space and tickets are limited. So the assumption is that one parent attends only one show

@PaintedEgg most SAHMs aren't just staying in all day, every day and not socialising their kids though. They're taking them out and about to playgroups all day (well my friends and I were anyway!)

playgroup / playground is not exactly the same as daycare though

Maybe have a hunt around and wait until the right job for you comes up, that will allow you the flexibility you want.
My son is 3 and I work 3 full days WFH but I am paid for 5...I do a few hours first thing in the morning on the days I don't officially work, and put in the hours of an evening etc if needed. I'm in a quite well paying job over 50k and I know more companies putting an emphasis on the output rather than clock watching .
The job I was in before was also flexible like this. What sector are you in ?

But 60 hours is a massive outlier. The average full time hours in the uk is 36 and the average commute is 30 mins each way.

All these anecdotes of people never seeing their kids are so far removed from the average experience of a full time working parent.

i assume things must have been very different 18 years ago because despite working very corporate job I dont know a single person whose children would be at boarding school

in fact, things are even easier these days because a lot of "office" jobs are done at least part-time remotely

I don't think he cares that you lack career ambition, just that he has all the stress and pressure of being the only real wage earner. You basically admitted your wages are pretty much just pocket money.
You need to share the burden and if that means increasing your hours while kid is at nursery or school then do so without complaining.
Most people don't have the luxury of being a stay at home mum.

The only couple you know who work full time send their kids to boarding school and have a nanny as well? I’m wondering how many people you know and what social circles you move in 😂.

I’m a senior lawyer in a City firm. Most of the other senior lawyers are also married to City lawyers or other City professionals and I am not aware of any kids in boarding school. Nannies and au pairs, yes, but not boarding school. And people still make it to their kids events - this week is a nightmare in my team with school/nursery graduations, sports days and plays.