Dh resents my lack of ambitions… DS is 3 yo

[Blipblopblap]

Dh and I have a 3 year old son who is due to start morning school nursery soon. I currently work 2.5 days a week and Dh is full time self employed. He earns a lot and we’re comfortable at the moment but we don’t like where we live and want to move to a different area and get a bigger house. Dh actually hates our house… it’s a new build and the neighbours are a nightmare, the parkings atrocious, the house itself is pretty naff… it makes him super angry every single day.
I have an ordinary type of job and the money is poor. I don’t pay anything towards bills but I pay for childcare and bits and bobs like clothes and toys and the like.
Recently arguments have been brewing. He’s clearly resenting me that we rely so heavily on his earnings. He says for us to move to a bigger and better house I need to be working and earning more to help cover the bills should he be out of work (his work is contract based).
The only thing is then we would need a lot more childcare. And i love the routine I have at the moment and the thought of seeing my son a lot less literally makes me cry. I’m sure other mothers will understand this but he really doesn’t get it.
It’s all come to a head and he has threatened to sell up and get a divorce due to my “lack of ambition.” I don’t want this. He gets frustrated because Im not a career person but he has known this since he met me 14 years ago. But he is so unhappy in this house it’s making him ill, he’s desperate to move which is why there is so much pressure on me. I’ve told him I’ll do whatever it takes so I’m going to start looking at better jobs/courses etc. I just wanted to see what you all thought. As a mother to a young child it just feels wrong. But clearly it’s what my relationship needs.

For all the discussion about whether OP's husband is right or wrong, in practice it does not matter because he already gave a hard ultimatum

He will leave her if she does not start pulling her weight financially. She will still need to up her hours and start working, except then the family will be split

There is basically no ending to this conflict that will see OP remain in her current position because she relies on her husband's income. However we judge his moral standing in this one, there is no way forward for them in current situation.

Not to mention that with this level of anger and resentment towards a spouse, I wouldn't be surprised if he has already made that decision.

Can you say, "it was my lack of ambition that led me into this marriage"?

Just lolled at this. Absolutely brilliant

If the idea of an extra day of nursery literally makes her cry, then how will OP feel about shared custody?

No matter what the future holds, OP has her head in the sand if she doesn't look to increase her earning capacity, whether that's a different job or more hours.

not to mention this will be a very ugly divorce if it comes to it

I think parents where one works full time and the other part time only works if each person in the couple is happy with this arrangement.

Your husband is probably feeling a lot of pressure and has done for many years and it’s come to a head now with COL crisis etc.

Also working longer hours doesn’t make you any less of a mother and in this day and age only working 2.5 days a week is a luxury.

Same here. I've never missed any school activity and never had any family or home help and I have a successful senior career in Finance.

Well if he's unhappy he isn't currently living in a palatial mansion, it may be worth pointing out that a divorce is unlikely to improve his housing situation.

She could. If I were the breadwinner in that marriage the a comment like that would definitely make me leave though.

Just rereading the original post. Your son is turning three this year and so in a year's time he'll be at school full time. Could you compromise by agreeing to up your hours/ get a higher paying job/ start thinking about moving to a better house once he starts school? It's only a year. Feels like an obvious compromise.

I agree with you, to a point. When I worked PT (I now work FT) I never expected 50% from him, but I did expect 25% - having a PT spouse who is also up at 1am with the pre-schooler does not mean being waited on hand and foot. I always said to DH that as a father he shouldn’t expect to do less cooking / housework than he’d do as a single man

I can't believe that some people still think a bigger house (or car or new clothes etc) will make them happy. It has been disproven time and again. So I think he needs to be really honest about what is actually making him unhappy: his threat of divorce suggests it might be the relationship. If this is the case, it's probably better to know now before you force yourself into a work situation that you're not happy with.

This 100%.

Someones got to compromise and in your situation it wouldn't be me. Your dc won’t be small for long. Hes the one changing the rules.

I think it's the fact that they could move to a nicer house and area if she worked a bit more. When you want something that you think can be easily obtained and someone is "stopping" you then the frustration grows

1000% agree with this!

I'm also a main earner with the "big man" full time career - no family or friends locally - I do really have toddler twins and another child and am single parent. I haven't missed a single event at school or the childminders, I'm there if they are unwell, I'm there for breakfast, and make them tea every day. I do every bed time. Oh and all the housework, life admin DIY and gardening 😂

Had I not had the career we'd be in the shit financially when husband wanted out. Too many women on MN rely on their partners and take no responsibility for their financial stability

If you were simply discussing a bigger house - more hours I would suggest a compromise, as soon as your ds starts school (next year) you will increase your hours to full time and look to move.

But, he has threatened you with divorce, which leads me to believe there is far more to this and you should be wary. In your place I would feel there was no love or emotional investment left now anyway, and probably make plans accordingly.

Has he or could he be having an affair? This feels like the script but from a different angle. He is looking to blame his unhappiness squarely on you. Why?

So what balls are you dropping? Because we all have 24h in a day and we learnt a long time ago there is no such thing as ‘having it all’

is it really "having it all"? most adults work - some have big careers, others have full time jobs because they have to. Do you think single parents are dropping any balls because they dont have a a spouse to financially support them?

@Translucentwaters I know you didn't ask me but for me personally I maintain a good grip of everything in my life (including my 'big boy' job) by letting different balls drop at different times, if that makes sense. Sometimes my house is a tip, some years we don't go away on holiday and mostly chill at home when we're on annual leave so we can recharge as a family without travel chaos, sometimes I don't supervise my children's homework, sometimes I've given less than 100% at work.... by letting different things take different amounts of energy at different times it leaves things mostly ticking along nicely, and mostly means I'm not missing much. I also make sure to carve out space for myself and my life, even more so as my kids get older, so I have a calm brain to manage everything.

So the true answer is multiple balls get dropped and the hope is none will be serious.

You are aware that most people really would not choose to live like this? I would have a breakdown with that level of stress. You might say you are thriving but honestly it sounds super tough and not sustainable.

I’m from a country where it’s pretty standard that both parents work full time, or at least nearly full time from the child is one year old. You honestly don’t hear many complaints. Only in England does it seem impossible for so many (mothers, never fathers) to juggle everything. ’Life admin’ seems to be a huge thing. Is it because you don’t live in equal relationships and share everything that goes with having a family, or what is it?

I’m really not trying to offend anyone, there is just such a big difference. And never have I heard of so many single mothers where the father isn’t in the picture or contributing in any way. It’s almost like it’s normal and acceptable of them to just piss off.

And all women on here who can’t leave their abuse men because they don’t work so no money or pension. It’s sad as hell.

to me it sounds pretty relaxed because trying to have control of everything at all times while pushing all burden of financial support on your spouse in itself sounds stressful

I think children under five benefit hugely from one parent at home with them.

The impression I got from the OP is that it a not very good house (naff) with dickhead neighbours in an area that are both not very keen on. I think that kind of scenario has a huge impact on your mental health. When I was fresh out of uni and I was pretty much skint and in debt. I ended up moving out of financial necessity into a crappy street in a crappy part of town into a crappy flat share. I absolutely loathed it even though I knew it was a temporary thing until sorted my finances out. I can the frustration of one party if they think they can improve their lot in life but us being prevented from doing so by the other party wanting to keep the nice status quo.