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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The Male Ego.

56 replies

Darlington99 · 10/07/2023 22:03

I lost touch with my best mate but he's made contact. We went out for a drink and looked forward to having great times like we did many years ago. But to my surprise, I've discovered that he slept with my wife before I met her. Neither of us discussed much about our previous relationships, but my male ego won't accept this situation. We've now talked it over and she said that she couldn't care less if I had slept with all her friends in the past before we got married. I don't want to know him any more but she just thinks I'm being stupid. Any thoughts ?

OP posts:
Whataretalkingabout · 11/07/2023 15:33

To tell the truth, I can't be too bothered about your male ego , OP.

Pinkbonbon · 11/07/2023 15:40

Well I mean you'd lost touch anyway so why not just lose touch again. I understand if it's too weird for you. And it's not like you and he are close if you haven't seen him for years.

But if it's actually some weird ego-y ownershipy thing where you can't accept your wife had a past then THEN you've got issues.

gamerchick · 11/07/2023 15:45

I hope you're not doing your wife's head in over this? If you are, you need to shut up and get over yourself.

You don't have to be friends with anybody you don't want to buy let it drift rather than making a tit out of yourself

Freefall212 · 11/07/2023 15:48

It was before you met her.

I can see having an issue if you were all friends but I am not sure why this does your head in when he seltp with someone you had never met?

Is it that when you and her got together you would have expected either your girlfriend or best mate to have told you they had a past fling or is it that you just can't handle that your wife slept with a friend of yours at some point in the past?

I can see feeling hurt that they didn't tell you about it - even though they don't really have a duty to do so, to me a good friend would give me the heads up. But if the ego is about ownership or purity or some other nonsense then get over it.

crackofdoom · 11/07/2023 15:48

You speak as if it's something you can't help- "Sorry, male ego, what can I do?" 🤷‍♂️ But believe you me, plenty of men wouldn't react like this. Sounds like you need to do some work on yourself.

Seaoftroubles · 11/07/2023 16:00

If you feel you can't handle it then don't continue to be in touch. You've only just caught up so it should be easy to just let it drift.Then put it behind you.

Sandra1984 · 11/07/2023 16:02

I would be very pissed off if I just found out my husband slept with my best friend. If I knew it before we got married that would be ok, but 5 years into the marriage it would be hurtful.

Marineboy67 · 11/07/2023 16:15

I think it's easy for your wife to say she wouldn't care less if you'd slept with all her friends. That's just it though, you haven't and she doesn't have to deal with that.
Had you done so she would naturally wonder if they were better in bed than her. Truth be known your probably experiencing a bit of that yourself....friends can be competitive, especially men. When you see him I guess you can imagine them together. However ridiculous it may feel to some it's how it feels for you. There's no law that says you have to maintain this friendship.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 11/07/2023 16:18

Any thoughts ?

Yes, my thoughts are along the lines of how odd it is for a man to ask women how to deal with male ego 🤔

So OP if you're actually the wife, try re-posting.

Fairislefandango · 11/07/2023 16:21

Get over your 'male ego'. Or don't, and ditch your friend. Nobody else can solve that for you tbh.

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 11/07/2023 16:24

I know a bloke like this. He basically banned his wife from speaking with anyone she 'got with' in the past. Even though they've been together for 10+ years, have three kids etc, and one of her flings from when she was 16 works in the same building as her, she isn't allowed to speak with him.

Don't be that person

sodthesodoff · 11/07/2023 16:31

I love that you talk about your male ego as a separate entity.

Put the wife on here! I'd love a chat with her

supercali77 · 11/07/2023 16:33

Is this really a male thing? Maybe other women would be fine with it but I'd find that pretty difficult to discover. A long time later, out of the blue, delivered by said friend.

I dont know if I would keep hanging out with the friend either, no offence to them, we all have our private histories, but I'd probably rather not

MermaidEyes · 11/07/2023 16:33

Male ego 😂

powershowerforanhour · 11/07/2023 16:47

How did you lose contact with your best mate? I have two best mates- one from school, one from uni. One lives 100 miles away and one on a different land mass, and I am a lazy, lazy bastard about everything including making an effort to see and talk to friends, and am also naturally rather selfish, and also quite introverted and would happily live alone with no human contact for months on end as long as I could lie on the sofa a lot and shovel chocolate and ice cream into my face. And even I manage to keep contact with those two (and occasionally others). Did you have a falling out or did you get wendied, or did one of you have a depressive episode or something?

powershowerforanhour · 11/07/2023 16:50

Sorry that post sounds pretty judgemental and nasty, and I didn't mean it to be, but seriously I am the crappiest person I know at this, so if anyone is crappier there is probably a better reason IYSWIM.

Gelatelli · 11/07/2023 16:55

Not another owner of a dented male ego posting on Mumsnet Hmm How do they find their way here?

CuriouslyDifferent · 11/07/2023 16:55

Yep you’re being stupid.

everyone has a past.

better the devil you know.

DixonD · 11/07/2023 17:02

You feel what you feel I guess. You’ll just have to find a way to put it behind you.

My DH’s friend said the same thing to him - except I hadn’t slept with him like he said I did. Caused no end of issues at the start of our relationship.

Anotherparkingthread · 11/07/2023 17:34

I'd give this advice irregardless of gender. And as a woman I'd be very upset to discover this of my husband.

You can either decide to deal with it or you can end the relationship. If its so big for you then just walk away, you don't want to be with somebody you feel differently about. If I found out my husband had slept with my best friend then for me it would poison the relationship and I'd leave. I'd also be very angry I hadn't been informed. If I'd entered into the relationship knowing that information I might not mind because I consented to being okay with it from the start. Finding our later feels deceitful and as though I wasn't given information to make a decision. I'd find that unforgivable.

Knowing I wouldn't be able to look at my partner the same way wouldn't be fair on either of us, so it would be best to walk away. Only you can decide if you will get over it or not but if you can't then it is not fair to take it out on your wife, if you decide to stay with her you can't bring it up again.

ManyATrueWord · 11/07/2023 17:39

What is it with all these men coming here to get their feelz validated?

OP, grow up. Stop being a cockwomble. A woman is not a possession or object. She is not spoiled by sexual contact with someone else.

supercali77 · 11/07/2023 17:47

Are women on here honestly saying they'd be fine to discover their dh slept with an old best friend years later?? Wouldn't feel even a tiny bit weird about it?

powershowerforanhour · 11/07/2023 20:15

"If I found out my husband had slept with my best friend then for me it would poison the relationship and I'd leave. I'd also be very angry I hadn't been informed. "

If you had lost contact with the best friend (possibly before you ever met your DH?) and you didn't talk about them much, or at all, and your DH possibly didn't even know that you knew the best friend, or at least thought that you were just acquaintances at most or not friends any more, then I don't see the problem.

Dullardmullard · 11/07/2023 20:55

Get over yourself it was before you yes it’s weird but your talking before you even met.

also why the hell did he bring it up to cause grief, stir the pot no doubt

have a talk and put it behind you.

Anotherparkingthread · 11/07/2023 20:56

powershowerforanhour · 11/07/2023 20:15

"If I found out my husband had slept with my best friend then for me it would poison the relationship and I'd leave. I'd also be very angry I hadn't been informed. "

If you had lost contact with the best friend (possibly before you ever met your DH?) and you didn't talk about them much, or at all, and your DH possibly didn't even know that you knew the best friend, or at least thought that you were just acquaintances at most or not friends any more, then I don't see the problem.

That's a lot if ifs and buts. It wouldn't be for me, like I say I'd just not feel the same about them any more. I wouldn't be angry (unless they deliberately hadn't told me) I'd just be put off, and I'm of the mindset that if you aren't actively interested in or attracted to somebody then you shouldn't be with them. I've left people for less haha. I don't see why I'd want that baggage or have to compromise when there's a whole world of great people out there.