The Male Ego.

[Darlington99]

I lost touch with my best mate but he's made contact. We went out for a drink and looked forward to having great times like we did many years ago. But to my surprise, I've discovered that he slept with my wife before I met her. Neither of us discussed much about our previous relationships, but my male ego won't accept this situation. We've now talked it over and she said that she couldn't care less if I had slept with all her friends in the past before we got married. I don't want to know him any more but she just thinks I'm being stupid. Any thoughts ?

Yep
I am pretty sure most of the women posting would not be happy to find out their best friend had shagged their husband before they met and neither had seen fit to mention it.
much keyboard warmongering methinks.

Might not be happy but it was before they met ffs and she might of not known they were best pals as they’d lost contact.

plus past sexual partners is none of any ones business

Last year my son married a lovely girl who also happened to be his best friend's ex. The best friend was Best Man at the wedding

What was your friend’s
motive for telling you now? He or your wife should have told you years ago. I can see why you are upset. I don’t think it’s so much ego as maybe a sense if betrayal/dishonesty from two people who you are close to, Try working it through with someone you can talk to or a counsellor maybe but I wouldn’t be bothering meeting up with your friend again. Who throws a bomb like that into someone‘s marriage? Unpleasant person,

Totally different situation though. If you go into something with prior knowledge you accept it. I feel for op as I'd never marry or be with anybody who slept with my best friend, and hiding it feels like they would have knowingly removed my ability to consent to the relationship.

Agree with last post, I mean how does that come up? 'Hi, haven't seen you in a while, but thought I'd mention this about me and your wife! Now, whose round is it?'
On a more constructive note, I suppose it vaguely shows you and your wife are compatible and you move in the same circles and know the same person in the past, it's not like she went with some utter scumbag you could never ever have related to.

@Darlington99 I presume you didn't think your wife was a virgin before she met you?

If you've accepted that your wife has slept with other people, then why does the fact that shes slept with this person make a difference? I can understand it if you don't want to carry on seeing your mate because it's a bit awkward, but why the fuck would you let it affect your marriage! Get over it, or you'll be cutting off your nose to spite your face.

I'm male, and bumped into a work colleague on a night out a few years ago while with DP. They recognised each other as they'd had a brief fling before she met me. We acknowledged the awkwardness, had a laugh about it and had a drink about it and then never really thought about it again. It's in the past, what else was there to do about it? It's not like anyone had done anything wrong.

I’m sure lots of women would feel weird about it, and have some feelings to work through, but it also shows the number of keyboards warriors on this site who love nothing than a bit of man bashing just to look cool.

What is it with all these men coming here to get their feelz validated

I’m pretty sure the response above would not say the following if a woman posted that she found out an old friend had slept with DH before marriage

What is it with all these women coming here to get their feelz validated

what a load of tosh

So a threesome could work.

Oh your poor lamb.

Has he tainted your possession?

You don't own her now and you sure as hell didn't own her before your relationship began.

Men who are fine with their own sexual history but struggle with the idea that a female partner has sex with othe people before they met are fucking tiresome.

Did you discuss it to try to induce shame in her or make her think you now think less of her or did you think your struggle to deal with her having sex before you got together was now her problem to solve?

I hope your wife told you to grow the fuck up.

I side with the wife - most adults have some sort of past and it shouldn't matter that much

but it also doesn't really matter if you stay in contact with someone you were not in contact with for ages anyway

it is a stupid reason, but people cut contact with others for way less than that

Really ?
so the advice you would give to your son / brother or even Father would be different to any advice you would you give to your daughter/ sister or mother

to quote a poster above you would tell them to “grow the fuck up “

I think you are the one speaking tosh and hiding behind your keyboard

Hahahahaha your so funny

Being stupid. Punishing him for something that wasn't aimed at you and he cannot change. If I were him I'd say 'fuck off then'.

It sounds to me your friend got in touch just to tell you this . He's jealous of you OP . He's dropped a bomb into your relationship. I would block and delete and try and put this behind you . Your O/H didn't cheat on you .

This. And stop the self-satisfied references to your 'male ego', OP. It doesn't actually function as an excuse for behaving like a Neanderthal who feels his territory has been trespassed on. That's the bizarre part of this post.

As if there would be these responses if a woman had posted about her former best friend sleeping with her husband 😂

Having read all the posts, some very sensisble and helpful, with a few not, I've decided that the past is the past and can't be altered. As my wife said, it's from when we first met and everything since that matters, not what happened before we met.
So even though we were like blood bothers who grew up together, were in the same class together until we were 18, then did everything together when we started work, my wife and my marriage are all that count.
So I'll slowly distant myself from my best pal until we just don't see each other any more, and the status quo returns. 😀😀😀

You’ll get a massive kicking on here, but I’m sure a woman posting that they just found out their husband slept with their best friend before they got together (and had never told them) I think you’d get a different response.

drop the male ego and post it the other way round, you’ll get support and advice

I don't get it , @Darlington99 . Why should you have to distance yourself from your childhood bosom-buddy over this??

Didn't you just say that you finally agree with the advice given and your own wife that what is past is over and you can forget about it?
Stop dwelling on this as if some terrible wrong were committed and get on with life!

But then again, go ahead and martyr your friendship if that is what you think you gotta do!

She dumped him and chose you. That should boost your ego, not dent it.

I am quite surprised by some of the replies on here.

If a woman posted they had discovered their husband slept with their friend before they met and she feels weird about it, I think the replies would be very different.

I'm not saying you should hold you wife's past against her, that would be wrong, but I don't think you're unreasonable to feel strange hanging out with the guy now. He's not just a guy she slept with, he's also a former friend of yours so the combination would make most people uncomfortable tbh.

But my male ego won't accept this situation.

This has had an impact on the replies. It's not that the OP has come on here and said 'I feel deeply odd and conflicted about this, and I recognise that it's unreasonable because it was before I ever met her', it's that he thinks that his maleness entitles him to feel proprietory about his girlfriend's sexual/romantic past, because, 'Ladies, that's just how it is and what we men are like!'

It's an idiotic thing to say, suggests no insight or self-reflection whatsoever, and no context for what caused him to lose touch with his best friend in the first place, long before that came to light.

It's a lazy entitled post.

I wouldn't like it.