My mother is a narcissist. How to deal with this text?

[DataColour]

So, pretty sure that my DM has narcissistic tendencies, to say the least.

It's always about her, and how things affect her. Never asks about my life, hasn't been interested in knowing about my job, my hobbies, my friends, my holidays, just anything about my life, for years now. But expects us to be interested in her, and sends weird messages, like for example, if we come back from holiday and don't visit her asap, she will send a message saying "don't the children want to see us"? etc, you get the idea.

Recently it's gotten worse and worse and I'm LC with her even though she lives nearby. My father is ill in hospital and I have been visiting him almost every day and the kids too when they have the chance. Due to her behaviour towards us as a family, I haven't visited her for a while and the kids haven't either (14 and 12), been busy with visiting my father too. She often sends messages that are just emotional blackmail.

Anyway, she sent a message to my 14yr old DS, saying "I'm very lonely. What's point of having grandkids just doors away". My DS was a bit upset as he thought she might mean what is the point of having grandkids?! I told my mother not to send messages like that, as it's not right and she hasn't bothered asking any of us for weeks how we are etc and now she wants people to visit her. I told her that DS found the message upsetting, and her response is "So, what steps has DS taken to sort out the loneliness". What on earth am I meant to say to that?!

I want to say, it's not DS's job to "sort out" her loneliness and if she had asked nicely if he'd like to visit, of course he would have come over. But she wont' understand, and I just can't take it anymore.

this is in no way a professional advice, but I've found that being firm with narcissists helps.

"he did nothing and wont do anything because you're obviously not lonely if you never care to visit or text yourself unless you're bored" - send her something along those lines and see how she reacts

Narcissists are obsessed with how they are perceived so when pushed away they either double down and cut contact OR they try to play nice

“I hear what you’re saying and I’m sorry you feel that way. However I want to share how this has made me feel. I feel you have upset my child and that isn’t acceptable. If you are lonely a better way of communicating with DC would have been to invite them over and be direct.”

You can’t change the mindset of a narcissist, using i statements help to communicate. They can’t argue with feelings. I would send something like the above

I want to say, it's not DS's job to "sort out" her loneliness
I’d say that honestly. Just that and leave it there.

I’d suggest your children temporarily block her number and you let her know any communication will need to come through you because you will not have her upsetting them.

This.

And then I would block her on your children's phone. She is manipulating you through your children. Give her an inch with your DC and she may try and turn them against you. You will become the bad guy and nothing will be your mother’s fault. She will make crap up about you to the DC to save face which is what classic narcissists do.

So divisive involving DS. Have a DM with similar form. Let me guess, if you respond saying she’s done something wrong she goes into either victim or attack mode???
Problem is that as kids get older they see the toxic behaviour and don’t want to see them anyway.
You can talk to your DM and ask her to stop texting kids emotive messages and to message you, but I doubt she’ll listen! You need to think about kids blocking her if it continues or let them know it’s ok to just ignore them and not respond as mine do.

Block her number on DS’s phone and tell her that you have done this so that she can only get to DS via your phone and that will be only when it suits you and it’s not manipulative. (Also, never respond immediately.)

@Righttherights oh yes, she is just like that. Always making herself out to be the victim and then saying that I'm cold hearted, unloving, lacking in emotion etc. Recently I told her to stop sending me emotionally manipulating messages and she said that I have no emotion to manipulate!!

Thanks for all your messages, and it's good to have a vent too. I will reply with what I was going to go with. Good tip regarding not replying immediately.

Stop communicating by text. Speak to her!

Who and when was she diagnosed?

Read Susan forwards book- toxic parents.

Incredibly helpful.

Also check out the Captain Awkward blog.

Never been diagnosed. She just shows the classic symptoms. She won't even think to consider she might be narcissistic.

I hate talking to her on the phone because she just hangs up when she gets the information she needs. No I'll speak to you later, hope you have a good day, bye nothing.

I'd block her number on both the DC phone and ignore the text. Instead of asking her to stop sending you emotionally manipulative text messages, just don't reply. The issue being that her thinking is disordered, so she can't see that her text messages are emotionally manipulative, even if it's clear to you.

You can go round and round in this circle or you can stop engaging, and she will either catch on, and start being more reasonable in her communication, or she won't. Either way you won't change her, there's no message you can craft to reply with that will. What you can control and change is your reaction.

She doesn't sound like a great mother but that doesn't mean she's a narcissist. She's needs to be formally diagnosed. Stop diagnosing people without the medical expertise.

The word narcissist has lost its meaning in entirety due to pop culture's obsession with it. Just because someone is unpleasant or even abusive doesn't necessarily mean they are a narcissist.

I genuinely don't mean this unkindly although I know it does come across that way.

'Hi mum, well be home on Thursday at 4, you can pop round then for a chat if you're lonely'

I would take a stand and say "It is not the children's job, or anyone else's job except your own to sort out your loneliness - you know where we are if you want to pop round. It's not a one way street. As this is upsetting the children I'm afraid you'll have to make the effort to come round, or communicate with me if you want to see the children, your messages will no longer come through on their phones. If you want to invite them to something or have them round, please just send a day and time."

The OP hasn’t diagnosed her mother with anything. She hasn’t said her mother has Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

Anyone can describe anyone as being a narcissist, it’s a word that has been in common parlance for years and years. It means someone who displays narcissistic traits.

I would block her on your children's phones. It's never appropriate to involve children in a grown ass adult's drama. My mum attempted similar things with my dc via sending things to the house for them (they don't have phones, so no way to directly contact them). We moved and she has no idea what our address is anymore and it's been a massive relief. I am now NC, and in theory, she has a way of contacting me (though I ignore), but she has no means of contacting my dc, so I know they won't be bothered.

I've inserted an assumed age and a fake name, but I think I would send :

"It is outrageous that a 65 year old adult, would try to make a 14 year old child, feel responsible for their social life (or lack thereof). Jack is a CHILD. If you do feel lonely, I would suggest that you do what any other normal Grandparent would do, and invite your Grandchildren round for dinner, or take them out somewhere"

@Mamette did you misread the part where OP clearly states 'my mother is a narcissist.'

That implies a formal diagnosis has taken place. I assume you say it every time someone is unpleasant towards you? That's generally the case.

Ignore her text message. Responding at all keeps open a door that should remain firmly closed. In the meantime I would keep a look out for flying monkeys i.e well meaning but easily manipulated outsiders or relatives sent into do your mother's bidding for her.

“Your feelings are your responsibility, nobody else’s. My child isn’t your emotional support animal, and it’s absolutely disgusting that you’re attempting to manipulate him into taking responsibility for you. Since you can’t be trusted to behave appropriately, your number is now blocked on his phone.”

Do you really think the OP hasn't tried that before....you've clearly never come across a parent with this behaviour, I don't talk to mine at all now as it's so stressful and upsetting.

Do you have to reply? On balance, what is the value of feeding into her drama?

If you feel like you need to I'd keep it short. "You need to be the one to resolve your own issues, I'll leave it to you to consider how. In future it's best for contact with the kids to go via me" then have the kids block her.

Those who are saying not to reply, yes I think I need to start doing this.

No good comes from me communicating with her. Difficulty is that my father is in hospital and won't make it back home and will need to go into care. So discussions are needed about this and his welfare. I understand it is a difficult time for her, and would have shown more care towards her, but almost daily she sends me messages full of guilt trips and nonsense and how I should be caring for them in their old age and what a disappointment I am, I just bear to have her in my house anymore. That's why I have had nothing to do with her apart from my dad's issues.