My mother is a narcissist. How to deal with this text?

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So, pretty sure that my DM has narcissistic tendencies, to say the least.

It's always about her, and how things affect her. Never asks about my life, hasn't been interested in knowing about my job, my hobbies, my friends, my holidays, just anything about my life, for years now. But expects us to be interested in her, and sends weird messages, like for example, if we come back from holiday and don't visit her asap, she will send a message saying "don't the children want to see us"? etc, you get the idea.

Recently it's gotten worse and worse and I'm LC with her even though she lives nearby. My father is ill in hospital and I have been visiting him almost every day and the kids too when they have the chance. Due to her behaviour towards us as a family, I haven't visited her for a while and the kids haven't either (14 and 12), been busy with visiting my father too. She often sends messages that are just emotional blackmail.

Anyway, she sent a message to my 14yr old DS, saying "I'm very lonely. What's point of having grandkids just doors away". My DS was a bit upset as he thought she might mean what is the point of having grandkids?! I told my mother not to send messages like that, as it's not right and she hasn't bothered asking any of us for weeks how we are etc and now she wants people to visit her. I told her that DS found the message upsetting, and her response is "So, what steps has DS taken to sort out the loneliness". What on earth am I meant to say to that?!

I want to say, it's not DS's job to "sort out" her loneliness and if she had asked nicely if he'd like to visit, of course he would have come over. But she wont' understand, and I just can't take it anymore.

That really did make me laugh 😂

Seriously, thanks everybody, this is really useful advice. Thank you for every single post, really appreciate it .
Just going to have a proper read whilst having some much needed wine 🍷 I'll reply later on.

I think the narcissist bit is a red herring. Frame it as ordinary boundaries you'd have with any person and stick firm to them regardless of her reaction I.e. "I've blocked you off Jack's phone. If you want to meet up please call me and ask. Thanks."

If she gets on about any of it you can say, "This is my life. Each of us can decide what behaviour we allow into our lives. If you make me feel uncomfortable or distressed, I am going to tell you about it so you can be sure not to do it again. You don't want me to feel uncomfortable or distressed do you, mum?" 😉

But in reality this is going to be a difficult relationship if you don't decide what is acceptable to you and what is not and be prepared to reinforce it. Don't expect her to be reasonable because she won't be, so it is your job to decide your boundaries and stick to them.

She sounds like my Mum! Right down to emotionally blackmailing my teens.

I am NC with her now. You don't owe her anything (although you'll get...'I brought you into this world' blah blah - as if you had a choice!)

It took me a very long time (also got told I lack empathy etc when everyone who knows me thinks I'm overly empathetic) but I read up on Fear Obligation Guilt and it made it easier for me just to cut all contact.

I understand it's difficult right now with your Dad but once he is settled I would cut her off for your own sanity. These people don't change.

@StandingMyGround888 You don't want me to feel uncomfortable or distressed do you, mum?"
Honestly, she doesn't care. She really has no empathy for me, never enquires about my welfare, so even if I say the above, she will turn it around to her. She has done that in the past.

@AntiSocial6DaysAWeek sorry you have had to go through this too. Yeah, I've come to realise that she's only getting worse as she gets older.

I think you need to have an adult conversation with your mum. You seem to be avoiding her, which may be understandable but having an honest conversation and spending some time with her 1-1 may help.

What's stopping you taking her out for lunch for example? Yes the conversation may be about her but you don't need someone to ask about your life to talk about your life...