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Original poster

Would you stay with your husband if he was a sex addict?

86 replies

Newliferequired · 09/07/2023 17:36

Just this. I'm leaving. I feel so guilty and scared but feel I have no choice. Been going on at least 9 years. I've known for 4 and nothing has changed.

OP posts:
justanothermanicmonday1 · 09/07/2023 21:52

Newliferequired · 09/07/2023 18:01

I don't agree. Seeing how it manifests I can not see that he is getting any long term pleasure from it. And yes it is having nsa sex with other people on a very regular basis. Has anyone had a similar experience?

Yes. My mum. 10 years she was with him. Took him back time and time again.

Thank god she left him. He's still the same.

Original poster
Newliferequired · 09/07/2023 21:54

I do believe it is a real sex addiction caused by childhood trauma. It is compulsive and constant and must cause him a lot of pain. However I feel I can't deal with it anymore. We haven't really had sex since I found out and therefore I feel like it's my fault but I can't be attracted to someone who is frequently having sex with strangers and have had to protect myself emotionally as much as I could.

OP posts:
hairybean1 · 09/07/2023 21:54

Yes I agree with everything you say. It is most likely abusive and damaging for the partner to stay given the timescales and lack of improvement or treatment. The addiction is real though!

hairybean1 · 09/07/2023 21:59

Newliferequired · 09/07/2023 21:54

I do believe it is a real sex addiction caused by childhood trauma. It is compulsive and constant and must cause him a lot of pain. However I feel I can't deal with it anymore. We haven't really had sex since I found out and therefore I feel like it's my fault but I can't be attracted to someone who is frequently having sex with strangers and have had to protect myself emotionally as much as I could.

You have stayed for a long time. If you feel you need to leave then leave. You need to prioritise yourself and children.

Don't worry about him. He needs to be allowed to hit rock bottom before he can start he recovery journey. If he ever does.

MumGMT · 09/07/2023 22:04

Newliferequired · 09/07/2023 18:03

It's the guilt I feel for leaving someone with an addiction. It actually doesn't affect other aspects of his life as far as I can see only his relationship with me and the children

People leave addicts all the time. I left my ex who was an addict (alcohol and drugs).
Even with alcohol or drugs the addicts partner takes it personally and suffers significant emotional harm feeling like they're not enough or the addict doesn't care enough to try to change.
So when the addiction is sex with other women then it has to hit 1000 times as hard, and believing it's an addiction doesn't really make it any better. You still suffer pretty much all of the pain that you would if he was just a standard cheater.

What you need to realise is that you are important too, your mental health is important too, your self esteem, your peace of mind.

You can't fix him, and he'll only drag you down with him, so you owe it to yourself to leave.

MumGMT · 09/07/2023 22:07

Newliferequired · 09/07/2023 21:54

I do believe it is a real sex addiction caused by childhood trauma. It is compulsive and constant and must cause him a lot of pain. However I feel I can't deal with it anymore. We haven't really had sex since I found out and therefore I feel like it's my fault but I can't be attracted to someone who is frequently having sex with strangers and have had to protect myself emotionally as much as I could.

If it was the other way around he wouldn't be able to deal with it either and would have left you too.

It's obviously not your fault, no one in your position would continue to be able to have sex with him. You had no choice in how it affected your attraction to him.

Ihaveoflate · 09/07/2023 22:11

No, I would not in these circumstances.

Just like I wouldn't stay with an alcoholic who continued to drink and do nothing to control his addiction.

It is not 'love' to stay with someone no matter what they put you through. It's codependency.

tunbridgeoutrage · 09/07/2023 22:29

pendleflyer · 09/07/2023 17:42

Care to say how this "sex addiction" manifests itself?

I think I can guess. The self diagnosis of sex addiction is a convenient excuse, transforming cheating into an illness.

Copperoliverbear · 09/07/2023 22:39

No 100% not

Hibiscrubbed · 09/07/2023 22:52

I know sex addiction likely exists, but I’m so cynical about the use of the label by caught-out unfaithful men, trying desperately to alter the narrative enough that they can reframe themselves as ‘victims’. That’s laughable.

FedUpWithEverything123 · 10/07/2023 01:55

It's the guilt I feel for leaving someone with an addiction

This is utterly ridiculous OP. In the gentlest way: please grow a backbone and leave this disgusting cheater.

Hibiscrubbed · 10/07/2023 05:15

FedUpWithEverything123 · 10/07/2023 01:55

It's the guilt I feel for leaving someone with an addiction

This is utterly ridiculous OP. In the gentlest way: please grow a backbone and leave this disgusting cheater.

Quite. Come on, OP.

TheoTheopolis23 · 10/07/2023 06:53

Hibiscrubbed · 09/07/2023 22:52

I know sex addiction likely exists, but I’m so cynical about the use of the label by caught-out unfaithful men, trying desperately to alter the narrative enough that they can reframe themselves as ‘victims’. That’s laughable.

100%

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 10/07/2023 06:56

Has he done anything to try and get a grip on his addiction? An alcoholic would go to AA, drug addict similar, has he seen anyone regarding his addiction? If the answer is no, then I'd feel no guilt whatsoever about leaving him

guineacup · 10/07/2023 06:57

So you've barely had sex with him in the 4 years since you found out, while he's been having very frequent no strings attached sex with many other women during this time? And you're the one that feels
guilty? Wow, that's messed up... Obviously, that's no basis for a marriage.

The ONLY way any marriage can survive an damaging addiction (and that's assuming that's what this is - I'm far from convinced) is for the addict to:

  1. seek therapy
  2. persist with therapy,
  3. become clean
  4. remain clean

Even then, the prospect of relapse and the damage that would do is enough for many people to decide they can't live with an addict

But he hasn't shown any interest in even getting to stage 1 in four years! He apparently has shown no real interest in properly trying to refrain from sex!

You need to leave him, and you need to be as guilt free as he has shown he is by continuing to shag around without real attempt on his part to curtail his behaviour.

guineacup · 10/07/2023 07:03

And any man who feels a compulsion to have sex can easily just have a wank or two. The relief from the urge is quick and easy, and consequence free. It's nothing like alcoholism or drug addiction in this respect.

Highdaysandholidays1 · 10/07/2023 07:10

Even if sex addiction is 'real', he is not engaging in treatment or recovery, so there's no hope of anything changing. Leaving is your only real option to stop yourself getting damaged by this.

LobsterCrab · 10/07/2023 07:13

Why do you feel guilty for leaving someone with an addiction OP? I wouldn't stay with a sex addict, but I also wouldn't feel guilty for leaving someone who was addicted to drugs, alcohol or gambling.

TheoTheopolis23 · 10/07/2023 07:13

It's the guilt I feel for leaving someone with an addiction

Women are so conditioned to be sympathetic and supportive and put themselves last ... For men would would be very unlikely indeed to show such sympathy and support or ever out themselves last.

Thank fuck you haven't had sex with him since you found out. He still risked your health, the health of your unborn children (if you conceived during those 5 years) and took away your equal right to decide whether you wanted to have sex within (or stay in) a relationship that was no longer anonymous.

It's an "addiction" apparently. Like others, I'm very skeptical.

Like others, I'm interested to know what intense, proactive, sustained steps he's taken to tackle his "addiction".

You don't owe him anything, you never owed him anything. No-one is obliged to stick with someone behaving like this.

Also I'm curious about the damage and pain to himself you refer to .... Given he's lost nothing by repeatedly cheating on you for nearly a decade. He hasn't lost his marriage, he hasn't lost his home comforts, he hasn't lost his family, he's lost sexual intimacy with you; but he's been getting it elsewhere (oh and that's another indication that he doesn't really care - because losing that with you had apparently not resulted in him stopping his behaviour or tackling his "addiction"). So what pain and loss has he suffered exactly?

Has he been beaten up by partners of women he's been cheating with?

He had lost jobs due to cheating/I appropriate behaviour in work? ( That would be another piece of abuse against you and your family; risking your household income, stability etc).?

Where's this pain & suffering on his part.

It's clearly not been enough for him to seek treatment and stick at it. ... Over almost a decade.

TheoTheopolis23 · 10/07/2023 07:15

*no longer monogamous, obviously

TheoTheopolis23 · 10/07/2023 07:20

He seems to have you convinced it's an addiction, I think most people would question that.

He also seems to have you convinced, or you gave yourself convinced (not sure which, maybe both) that it's your duty to stick by him because it's an addiction; it's not.

If you want to stay in a cohabiting situation with him until your kids are a certain age, while he has relationships with other people; that's up to you. But I wouldn't be considering it an addiction. And I wouldn't be taking on any support role And that means you're also entirely free to seek out relationships of your own if you want them.

It's likely your kids would become aware of such a setup though; havs they not already become aware of his relationships with other women?

TheoTheopolis23 · 10/07/2023 07:24

In all all, you would be better to just get out though; and stop letting him take the absolute piss.

AProlificNameChanger · 10/07/2023 07:26

Newliferequired · 09/07/2023 18:01

I don't agree. Seeing how it manifests I can not see that he is getting any long term pleasure from it. And yes it is having nsa sex with other people on a very regular basis. Has anyone had a similar experience?

He’s putting you at risk, has he also considered that? I think you should think about your health and well-being and show to your children that this type of behaviour is not acceptable. He needs professional help.

isthesolution · 10/07/2023 07:32

So he wasn't a sex addict when you met? And he cheats on you with other people?

I'd absolutely feel zero guilt in leaving! And not should be blame you for doing so!

guineacup · 10/07/2023 07:55

It's the guilt I feel for leaving someone with an addiction

And where are your DH's feelings of guilt in all this?