Would you stay with your husband if he was a sex addict?

[Newliferequired]

Just this. I'm leaving. I feel so guilty and scared but feel I have no choice. Been going on at least 9 years. I've known for 4 and nothing has changed.

You’ve known for 4 years that he’s having sex with other people? Have you confined to have sex with him?

*continued

If you stay or go it won't make any difference to him. He'll carry on shagging around. Why would you feel guilty?

OP you seem to have a very low bar for what you’re willing to tolerate. You feel guilty for leaving and addict… does he feel guilty for having sex with other women??

As a pp has said, they are very damaging to their families. He would need therapy and even then, it’s not guaranteed to cure him, he could relapse at any time!

No.

His behaviour is his to own, his addiction - if that’s what it is - is his to own, and to address. It’s not your fault, it’s not your problem. You can’t fix it and he’ll destroy you while you try to accommodate it.

His competence as a parent should not be depleted, even with his brains in his pants.

He's just a serial cheat trying to dress it up as some kind of illness.

Absolutely not. He is cheating on you, plain and simple. How on earth have you tolerated this for 4 years?

Sorry, I believe that "I'm a sex addict" is an excuse. Don't feel guilty because he says he's an addict. He's not, he's a cheating bastard.

This X 100.

How long do you think he'd stick around if you had a "sex addiction" and we're taking others men's dicks repeatedly op?

I think you'd just be a "mentally I'll slapper" and "bad mother".

Op said he's actually been doing it for 9 years; she's only known about it for 4 years.

It's a miracle if he hasn't infected her with something nasty.

If yes been at it for nearly a decade and hasn't felt any pressing need to tackle his "addiction"; even more so in the almost 5 years since his wife has found out; I doubt he ever will.

He's clearly not been bothered much or he would have made it a pressing priority.

He thinks you're a door mat, and you're stuck with some martyr complex - mentality where you must support people who are hurting, damaging, disrespecting etc you if they claim it's due to an addiction; which he's happily exploiting.

No advice but sending you strength x

The Guardian did a good long read on "sex addiction" once and whether it actually exists. It quoted a lot of women in the same position as you - I'd have a read if I were you.

Sex addiction seems to be something mainly men from Hollywood claim to have when they have affairs. Everyone has a sex drive that they have to curtail in a partnership, some people have higher sex drives, some are lower - but I'm not sure I believe in sex addiction tbh. A lot of professionals don't either

Why have you stayed with him OP? Is there any reason you can’t leave? Unfortunately I doubt it will get better

You feel GUILT for leaving a man who constantly cheats on you because he’s ILL and can’t HELP IT the POOR THING???

No. no, no. Absolutely not. Get angry with him. It’s 100% allowed.

Many years ago I had a boyfriend who was a sex addict. I found out that he was meeting up with random women on the internet, seeing dominatrix and meeting up with random men. He was on antidepressants and generally felt awful about himself. I had no inclination to stay at all and had to protect myself but it did break my heart.

Sleeping with other women on a regular basis in my unprofessional opinion is just cheating. What makes him a sex addict?

My husband is a gambling addict (short term got out of control very quickly). But he told me, got extensive cbt and A LOT of help. He worked hard to turn things around and handed all finances over to me. He has been completely transparent. It's been several years since he told me but from the moment he told me he was accountable for his actions and knew things needed to change. He knows if he did it again it would be over.

If you found out 4 years ago and he's done nothing then that's a deal breaker to me. You've given him permission to cheat.

There's no such thing as sex addiction.

'Sex addiction' is a made up 'Hollywood' term for sex drive.

Everyone - woman or man - knows that sex drive is something you live with and adapt to.

It's no more an addiction than is a wish to make sure the kitchen is always presentable or the car is clean.

Load of nonsense.

5years ago I discovered my partner was addicted to porn. I stayed with him and he has had lots of treatment and we have had lots of therapy. I am traumatised from the first couple of years but I am happy with my decision and we are now have a family. You can only stay if he recognises it and wants to get help and work it out. The best therapy by far is The Naked Truth Project. Google it. Unfortunately it's very expensive.

Nope

Please don't feel guilty. Addiction it may be, but that doesn't mean you have to let it negatively affect your life. Aside from the tip all hurt you must be going through on a daily basis he is putting you in physical danger not matter how safe he may be in these encounters.
His addiction, not yours. It is for him to take steps to deal with it.

Tip all = emotional

Sex addiction is a real mental health illness, usually caused by a trauma that hasn't been dealt with. You can be addicted to anything. It's defined as a compulsive behaviour which is damaging. One of the biggest barriers to people seeking help for sex addiction is stigma and no belief. There is Sex Addicts Anonymous as well which can help.

I couldn't stay with him- in my opinion its glorified cheating. What an awful situation for you 🥺xx

Even if it is.... And even if ops husband is truly a sex addict ..... No-one being mistreated, hurt, disrespected, betrayed, their sexual health risked, their mental health affected etc etc etc needs to "stick by" the addict while they seek treatment and see if it's works long-term.

She's already taken 5 years of this - while kept in the dark, and 4 years + while knowing about it. That's nearly a decade of being cheated on .... Cheating is considered a form of abuse, which I would agree while heartedly with.

Ops husband's "addiction" doesn't trump she and her childrens well being, happiness, stability, mental health etc.

As I said, if he's not infected her with something nasty (as well as all the emotional pain and turmoil) it's miraculous. If she conceived any of their kids during those 9 years ... He was also risking their health as foetuses & newborns with possible STDs.

He's had a decade of abusing his nearest and "dearest" .... How long should she keep in being abused.

If anyone knows about his repeated infidelities, op has the humiliation (and the derision for their marriage and family) among anyone who knows on top of everything else

The simple fact is that this man, addiction or not, has not been fit to be a husband, not fit to be in a monogamous relationship (and I'm sure he requires monogamy from op!!!) for a decade - a fucking decade. And will no doubt continue to be so.