Just looking for some outside perspective. I'm 50, separated in 2016. Have 4 boys, three grown and living independently, we are all close. Met a guy online 2 years ago, we hit it off hugely. He's an hour away from me but that didn't get in the way really. For first year we met every two weeks, I really wasn't sure that he wasn't seeing other people but I didn't feel it was serious so I wasn't jumping up and down about it. We developed strong feelings for each other and had a chat, decided to be exclusive. I had to push strongly for extra time with him, which is one week night. He's self employed and works every hour god sends. I should point out that he has gone through a very bad separation and divorce, his ex is toxic. He has three beautiful kids and he provides for them so much, way more than would be normal. Anyway, he's a great dad.
Here's the kicker. I love him and he loves me, I know he does because I can feel it from him. However, I'm at a point now where I'm concerned for myself and don't know if it would be best to end it. He's met my two eldest kids and they get on great, only met a handful of times and we all spent last christmas together, he travelled up to my place for dinner (after Xmas morning with his kids at his ex's place) and it went brilliantly. Since then, we have definitely been closer. BUT his kids don't know he's in a relationship (despite being separated 5 years). He says his ex uses every chance to belittle and disrespect him to their kids - she's very volatile and seems quite controlling - and I feel like he's a little scared of her when it comes to the kids in terms of damaging his relationship with them. For context, they are 17, 13 and 10. My name isn't saved in his phone because his kids would see it and he doesn't want to have to tell them. That hurts me I'll be honest. That's not all though. I've never met a friend of his or any family member. His family live a 3 hour drive from him and he has only seen them a few times a year and he has brought his kids so that's me out of the equation. He doesn't go out much with friends at all, twice or three times a year at the very most and that's been up the country.
I'm at an impasse now. He swears he loves me more than any woman he's ever been with. We have never had a fight and we do always have a brilliant time together. Always. He drinks a little too much so that means we don't have anywhere near as much intimacy as I need and I'm feeling a little detached. I just want to add that the weekends he has his kids the contact drops off massively, no phone calls when they're around. They know zero. He has them atm for 5 days and I'll hear by text morning and night, nice messages and telling me he loves me, but no chat. I feel very separated from his life at times like this.
He has met my closest friends, we've had brilliant nights with all of them and they have welcomed him with open arms.
I'm dying to get away on a break with him but he works too hard and we would have to work a two or three day break around his schedule with his kids because he sees them a good bit and does a lot of picking up and dropping off for various activities. So there really isn't a window atm.
I love him to bits. I'm feeling a little lost and would welcome thoughts on this situation. He's a really good person, his ex terrifies him and he overthinks everything. But he's brilliant fun and very sentimental.
I've been in a similar kind of situation before and that ended with me completely losing my sh1t and ending things after years of feeling hidden. I don't feel hidden from his life as his parents and family and friends are all aware of me, I've seen messages etc so he's not lying.
What do I do? I would appreciate some outside opinion. Thanks.