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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Crisis row , difficult husband

51 replies

stayclosetoyourself · 09/07/2023 10:35

reposted this from 30 days

I had a row with husband today about his behaviour - domineering and unsupportive, difficult, possible gas lighting.
we were supposed to go out tonight to celebrate an adult child’s achievement. When it came time to go, he told said child he’s not going ‘ as your mother has been an arsehole’.
I don’t really use a lot of names etc and feel this is pretty bad behaviour though recognise others might think arsehole is not that offensive?? Thoughts pls as yes I’m a bit sensitive and am thinking about where we are going from here tomorrow. Thanks

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OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 09/07/2023 10:43

He’s punishing your child to hurt you. Nasty. Stop rowing and get a divorce.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/07/2023 10:45

Seek legal advice asap re divorce. Leave him as well to his insect ridden rugs .

Original poster
stayclosetoyourself · 09/07/2023 10:51

Sorry I thought I reposted all the 30 days thread, have not been on here for years. Can you read the other parts? Thanks. When I posted on 30 days people thought his comment wasn’t too bad but my son and I were standing together, it was time to leave for dinner for his degree result. I could never disappoint my son even if we had had this row. I and my son went. Awkward but we made the best of it. I think it shows husband is very selfish.

OP posts:
Original poster
stayclosetoyourself · 09/07/2023 11:02

I’m continuing in here now but accidentally posted this on the original thread. Apologies. I’m going to church for an hour so will read after.

We have completely different personalities, He’s very strong on his own way and I’m a collaborator.
I can see he’s hoovered the rug / moved the bed though ignored me when I saw him. I know I said hurtful things which I’m willing to apologise for, but at the same time they are true and I’m unhappy with various things and things really need to change.

OP posts:
Eva6437 · 09/07/2023 11:04

Awful, the fact he can’t see that the dinner is about your CHILD and not about him shows how immature he is being.

he’s being a giant asshole for disappointing DC and also badmouthing DCs grandma infront of him.

Original poster
stayclosetoyourself · 09/07/2023 11:09

No its me he insulted in front of both me and him as we asked if he was ready

OP posts:
Eva6437 · 09/07/2023 11:15

stayclosetoyourself · 09/07/2023 11:09

No its me he insulted in front of both me and him as we asked if he was ready

Oh sorry, I misread… that’s even worse.
imsgine if your son learns a similar behaviour and treats you the same. You need to explain that hubby is the male role model in sons life. How he treats women could influence how your son in the future

Original poster
stayclosetoyourself · 09/07/2023 11:18

Im
so sorry now I didn’t divorce as I thought that was for the best at that time . The children see it as ‘ bickering’ and that I wind him up as he makes it look like that.

OP posts:
Original poster
stayclosetoyourself · 09/07/2023 13:28

We’ve been married for 33 years.

OP posts:
Eva6437 · 09/07/2023 14:41

Has he always treated you like this?

also, how has he been acting towards you since this incidence?

Seaoftroubles · 09/07/2023 14:57

Sorry, l haven't seen the previous thread but just to say l can't believe that other posters thought his comment was OK! Totally vile behaviour, insulting you and spoiling a special occasion for his son. What a Prince! Domineering, difficult and unsupportive behaviour sounds to me like grounds for seeing a good solicitor. After 33 years he won't change.

Original poster
stayclosetoyourself · 09/07/2023 15:16

It was embarrassing we don’t even use language like that and especially about his own mother!! Abd standing next to me!!

OP posts:
Original poster
stayclosetoyourself · 09/07/2023 23:04

He’s had previous similar episodes of being overly domineering and intimidating. He had brain surgery five years ago though he was like this before. They say it can cause lack of empathy and tendency to blame those closest for things. But he’s so functional in all areas like cognition, his work as a professional etc and he was nice to me about six weeks ago when he thought I had a life threatening condition it’s hard to excuse as brain injury.

he’s mainly ignoring me.

OP posts:
Eva6437 · 09/07/2023 23:15

@stayclosetoyourself he needs to grow up and learn how to communicate with you when there is an issue, not act like a kid throwing toys out of his pram.
Personally I would not apologise for what you’ve said to him if that’s how you truly feel. I used to do the same with my hubby, and one day I just snapped and didn’t apologise. since then, he’s made more of an effort

Original poster
stayclosetoyourself · 09/07/2023 23:22

Yes agree, I’ve thought today do I need to apologise as I was quite worked up and really said some home truths. But I thought no I haven’t done anything wrong. I apologised to my ds for the situation/ his dads behaviour and said I’m sorry I can’t really explain it, it may be connected to his brain injury but it’s hard to say.

OP posts:
Original poster
stayclosetoyourself · 10/07/2023 20:57

Any further thoughts?
Things still a bit tense

OP posts:
Eva6437 · 10/07/2023 21:53

stick to your plan, don’t give in and don’t apologise!

Was he like this before surgery?

Original poster
stayclosetoyourself · 10/07/2023 22:25

Yes he was really. Like an exaggerated previous trait. got worse prior to the surgery then after the acute phase of surgery better but some obsessive behaviour , very bossy and flashes of temper / being intimidating. He flung my shoes outside into the garden one night and rugby kicked my bag down the hall way

OP posts:
Seaoftroubles · 10/07/2023 22:47

You shouldn't have to put up with this behaviour especially if he can control himself perfectly well at work. I would suggest a medical check up with his G.P to ensure all is still OK re his surgery, but also have a calm chat where you are clear about how damaging these outbursts are to family life. If he can't keep himself in check then it might be better to separate.

perfectcolourfound · 11/07/2023 06:56

How utterly selfish, and what a crap father he is.... He's meant to be celebrating his son's degree and cancels at the last minute, blaming you and insulting you at the same time.

Your poor son.

I'm pleased you both still went and celebrated. Don't tiptoe around the bully.

Don't apologise if you just gave him so home-truths. It sounds like they've been a long time coming.

Eva6437 · 11/07/2023 16:24

Then it has nothing to do with his surgery, stop making excuses for him.

you deserve better than this and your son definitely does too! He’s Selfish and immature.
you’re his other half an should not have to put up with this kind of behaviour.

Original poster
stayclosetoyourself · 11/07/2023 16:43

It's not my fault! I'm not making excuses for him , Just giving the picture. Last time there was an incident I rang Headway and they said blaming others abd lack of empathy is common in brain injury. But that doesn't mean I think it's ok.

OP posts:
Eva6437 · 11/07/2023 18:37

I agree… plus as you explained, he had similar traits before surgery.

no it’s not your fault at all!

Eva6437 · 11/07/2023 18:38

I think you need to have a little think about what’s best for your son and you also have to protect yourself

determinedtomakethiswork · 11/07/2023 18:41

33 years? It's time you've got some time off for good behaviour. There's no reason to stay now if the children are adults unless you actually want to stay