Crisis row , difficult husband

[stayclosetoyourself]

reposted this from 30 days

I had a row with husband today about his behaviour - domineering and unsupportive, difficult, possible gas lighting.
we were supposed to go out tonight to celebrate an adult child’s achievement. When it came time to go, he told said child he’s not going ‘ as your mother has been an arsehole’.
I don’t really use a lot of names etc and feel this is pretty bad behaviour though recognise others might think arsehole is not that offensive?? Thoughts pls as yes I’m a bit sensitive and am thinking about where we are going from here tomorrow. Thanks

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Yes the children are adults. Youngest still at Uni.

Things are still rather tense unfortunately. My son said he just thought it was childish and quite laughable but although I agree I am still quite furious.

I'm feeling quite stuck atm - I am no longer holidaying together and I went out for good with my son last night and left H to cook for himself. Fed up of being let down and the unpredictability

@stayclosetoyourself you've given him 33 years, 2 children and supported him through trauma. In return, he can't even be nice to you.

Some of the things he does are actually abuse but you are so stuck in the fog you can't see the truth.

This man won't ever change. He won't suddenly become the man you first married who was loving, kind and funny. He won't be intimate emotionally or physically tender and sweet with you and he won't be respectful because he doesn't even like you and that is the crux of your relationship.

You give and give and he twists things so you look like the bad guy to others. You keep trying to fight for him and resolve issues but he prefers giving you the silent treatment (which is abusive).

You've already given him everything. Maybe it's time you gave something back to yourself? Your freedom.

Glad that your son can see that his dad is being immature!

Morning. Thanks for comments. I'm worn out by it all and of course now it's Saturday usually a difficult day of the week. H has been in work until now so haven't seen much of him. He's made no roads into any apologies to me or ds.
I've got a lot to do in the house still today.
I'm wondering how to act today in the house.

@fartsock5000
"stayclosetoyourself you've given him 33 years, 2 children and supported him through trauma. In return, he can't even be nice to you.

Some of the things he does are actually abuse but you are so stuck in the fog you can't see the truth.

This man won't ever change. He won't suddenly become the man you first married who was loving, kind and funny. He won't be intimate emotionally or physically tender and sweet with you and he won't be respectful because he doesn't even like you and that is the crux of your relationship.

You give and give and he twists things so you look like the bad guy to others. You keep trying to fight for him and resolve issues but he prefers giving you the silent treatment (which is abusive).

You've already given him everything. Maybe it's time you gave something back to yourself? Your freedom."

I think he can be kind, is well thought of at work, and I also give the silent Tx atm as I'm still humiliated and still so cross. But I'm not the one causing all the problems and recent event shows he didn't even care that he spoilt our sons special occasion as it was more important to be spiteful toward me. That's unforgivable.

Sorry basically I agree that meant yo say. I'm not so much in a fog, I see it, but maybe I thought I could manage, some if it was his brain injury and that things had improved. It seems I was wrong.

even if it is his brain injury and it's not his fault he's not going to get any better, do you want to let him ruin your life?

My ex 'partner' had brain haemorrhage; he went on to make a full recovery. I remember hoping he might come out of it a changed man; that it might, somehow, act as a wake-up call for him. There was no epiphany for him and his worsening behaviour hadn't been caused by changes in his brain.

H condition did cause Neuro psychiatric problems prior to diagnosis. Since treatment he has made an excellent better than expected recovery. He didn't see Neuro psychologist post op,partly because I think, we were out of area and the rush to be discharged. I spoke to the brain injury charity at Xmas or so and they said consider asking for referral to Neuro psychology for assessment but he'd have to agree to that and there is no chance.

Guess he has ruined it really. Or at least made it very difficult, stressful, lonely, hard work and disappointing. I don't know if it's too late now.

What I find upsetting is that your posts come across as apathetic. You apologised to your child for the drama. You didn't create it, your dh did. Your child doesn't appear angry on your behalf.

My lovely dad is undergoing cancer treatment at the moment and was very short with my mum the other day (never ever like that normally and she had confirmed that) I told him in no certain terms that his treatment was not an excuse to speak to her in that way and that he better buck his ideas up because neither she nor any of us (4 kids) will accept her being spoken to like that. He didn't swear but was very abrupt and raised his voice. He quickly apologised and was genuinely remorseful and mentioned it to his nurse. He's undergoing treatment as part of a drug trial.

I didn't mean to derail your post just illustrate that I saw this behaviour as a one off and challenged it straight away if your kids have seen it over several years it very much seems like they've come to minimise it and are desensitised to how you are being treated. That is not OK op. You've given 33 years of your life to be treated like this? You deserve better and should want better. Time to put yourself first. Please start advocating for yourself.

Well I think there are a few differences there. H won't listen nor apologise so there's a limit to how many times you can tell him he's been unfair/ in the wrong. This is who he is so it seems.

Just a brief update. I feel that I'm limping along in limbo land, sort of of speaking terms now but I'm just so cross. He is still doing wind ups and never did apologise. It all seems like a game to him. Meanwhile it's permeated into my psyche and I'm cross with everyone!

And feel like sh*t

Sorry to read this O.P, and to read that he never apologised or owned his bad behaviour. I think you know now that he isn't going to change so perhaps its time to consider your future without him. You have done all you can, time now to think about what you really want and to put yourself first for a change.

Sorry I've asked for my post to be moved to my own thread. Not sure how I tagged it on to yours.

Thanks @seaoftroubles
Ds has sort of moved on but I'm still stuck because he hasn't apologised in fact if anything he's still quite combative. It's confusing because it all gets brushed under the carpet. If I challenge him he either ignores me or escalates and as ds is here it's more unpleasantness

I don't know if anyone can advise who has been through similar but I'm finding I'm the one who is feeling really down and unhappy and angry.
It's affecting my responses to friends / on WA groups etc.
I feel trapped and can't find my voice, confused and can't see clearly. I want to ask him to get things to improve and make that commitment and to apologise but can't.

@stayclosetoyourself lm sorry, it sounds like you feel you're not getting anywhere with him. If he won't acknowledge your feelings of hurt, has brushed the the incident under the carpet and moved on then he has made it obvious he really doesn't care. I think when it gets to this stage and you feel all love, care and respect has gone then it's pretty much over sadly.

@Seaoftroubles thanks, crossed posts. Am I falling into a trap of wanting him to agree to separate or just wanting to give a last chance? When I was super angry U could tell him what's what. Now that anger is inside me and eating me up/ destroying me into inaction.

I can see you are conflicted but only you can decide if you want to give him one more chance. Personally l think it sounds like he's had plenty, especially if he is causing you to feel the way you describe. You previously described your situation as difficult, stressed, hard work, lonely and disappointing and now you say you feel trapped. You don't need to be, you can take control, separate and live life on your terms.

Thanks sea. The effect on me is quite bad and I feel like I'm wading through treacle. I want to move on but am full of doubt and overwhelmed by annoyance and confusion. I'll be glad to be back in work tomorrow. We are supposed to plan a holiday at the start of August and I don't know whether to plan with ds or the three of us.