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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am about to set myself quite a challenge and wonder if anyone would care to join me?

96 replies

Janni · 24/02/2008 20:25

For one week precisely, I will avoid saying anything sarcastic or critical to DH. I'm always pointing out things he hasn't done and I fail to notice his many excellent qualities. For example, this afternoon he took our three DC out, plus two of their friends, on his own for a good few hours, including lunch in a cafe, which I thought was pretty good going.

Yet I'm always making little comments about trivial stuff he neglects to do.

If I manage this week's challenge, I will then start trying to say something nice each day to him. I can't do it ALL at once or he won't know what's hit him

OP posts:

scattercushion · 25/02/2008 12:30

Another one in, here. I've already had a chance to try it out - dh just rang and I asked him what he was having for lunch - he hesitated and said sheepishly 'sausage and chips'. Why the hesitation? Because only YESTERDAY he said he wanted to lose some weight and get fit. Did I resist making caustic comment? Dear readers, yes I did

padboz · 25/02/2008 12:31

Oooh! can I play?

I work with my man - we write software together as part of a big team - we're still not sure why he took the job (basically he took my role when I went on maternity leave as an expedience and then they wanted him to stay when I came back. Tut) I knew it was a bad idea We've been together 17 years and although we're fab together its really hard not to treat him like my partner when hes supposed to be my colleague. I'll occaisionally say 'well thats just crap' or 'well sodding well explain it properly then!' or (my personal favourite) 'oh for F's sake I'll do it then shall I?' about stuff in our open plan office.... I think it might have dented my image as a professional.
He on the other hand is calm, cool and considerate. grrr.

K999 · 25/02/2008 12:32

Must be your aggressive tendancies Padboz!!

padboz · 25/02/2008 12:36

bugger off K . I aint signed up to nuffin that says I can't smack you

Original poster

Janni · 25/02/2008 13:28

Nice one, Scattercushion. I reckon if you'd had a go he'd have had double helpings to spite you!

OP posts:

JackieNo · 25/02/2008 16:06

Sounds as if you're all doing well, people. I'm trying to keep this thread in my mind (though I haven't seen DH since about 8.30 this morning, as we've both been at work).

lollipopmother · 25/02/2008 16:45

Oh I'm definitely in on this. Since joining MN I realised that I'd have to practice at not being so curt so I started practicing last week, didn't stop me being a stropy bitch, but it did mean that I always apologised instantly afterwards. Well this week I'll try and be nice. I am a spoil brat, I know that, yet I still give him hassle when all he does is run round after me all day long. I feel quite ashamed actually.

Wonder who'll last the longest in this thread (it ain't going to be me!).

Maybe we should report when we break our 'vows'??!

Donk · 25/02/2008 20:49

Did OK with DH today (barely saw him...) poor DS on the other hand... must try and include him in this. But he was being very trying at bed-time.

Original poster

Janni · 25/02/2008 22:09

Well one step at a time Donk! What I realise in myself, is that I have all these wonderful aims about how I will talk to the children, but generally DH is just expected to pick at the crumbs left on the table at the end of a long day.

I have stuck to my resolution today and it has not been difficult. Curiously, I have noticed DH being more aware of and offering help in situations where I'm reaching the end of my rope with the kids.

He is VERY rarely critical towards me, except to point out when I'm speaking sharply or critically to him.

OP posts:

Minum · 26/02/2008 09:01

I made it through yesterday, with no snappiness to DH or DSs, will keep trying really hard today, as it does make for a nicer house.

missingtheaction · 26/02/2008 09:04

I think you should praise him every day too! How hard is that? God, if my xdh had taken the children out on his own I would have been expected to do a lot more than just give verbal praise!!!! You are a lucky woman.

scattercushion · 26/02/2008 10:15

Well done Minum. After a good start, I stumbled at the second hurdle. I was shattered and trying to cook dinner. DH came in and I said something a bit sarcastically. OOPS. But then I quickly hugged him and said I loved him Does this make up for it?

Original poster

Janni · 26/02/2008 11:13

Well done Minum, glad the household feels nicer. Yes, Missingtheaction, praise is also part of the be nicer to DH 12 Step Programme!!

OP posts:

scattercushion · 26/02/2008 13:37

How's it going with you Janni? Resisted the urge to snap?

Original poster

Janni · 26/02/2008 14:02

Yes SC - I've stuck to it so far, but ONLY because I've set myself this challenge! It's really making me think about how I phrase things. My DH is very mild-mannered and I'm a bit more volatile (at home at least)

OP posts:

lollipopmother · 26/02/2008 16:11

I did really well right up until I got exceptionally hormonal and did something awful - my DP wanted to eat his Easter Egg last night, I said he shouldn't because it's not Easter, he should go to the shop and get a choc bar instead, so he huffed. Then after tea I thought sod it, if he wants to eat it then he should do, so I made him a cup of tea and brought in the egg, and him (only jokingly I hasten to add) kicked it off the table like a kid, so I picked it up and did really well pretending to be a mummy to a 26 year old baby! Right up until he kicked it off for the 3rd time, when I told him i'd stamp on it and throw it in the bin if he did it again. Well, you can guess what happened after that! I got to the bin and just started bawling my eyes out because I felt so guilty, which made him laugh his head off for quite some time. Ooops!

Original poster

Janni · 26/02/2008 16:16

Oh that's not so bad lollipop - you caught yourself ALMOST in time. Has he twigged that you're trying to act differently this week?
Stick with it. I have to go to parents' evening tonight but am with you all in spirit!

OP posts:

lollipopmother · 26/02/2008 16:34

I just couldn't believe I did it, I've never done anything that horrible before to him, never! And the stupid thing was that I didn't even know A) that I'd done it (til I got to the bin) and B) why I'd done it, I wasn't even pissed off, he was only joking! I just felt totally awful and ended up crying three times, which in the end made him feel really guilty because he knows I'm freaking out at whether I'll be a good parent or not and obviously stamping on your kid's Easter Egg will scar them for life!

He did say with a huge grin on his face 'well you gave me a warning, and then you followed through, that's good parenting'

Got to love him for his optimism!

Janni - He knows that I'm trying to be less snappy because I told him when he thought I was odd for apologising all the time. He doesn't think I'm snappy anyway, but I know that I am. It's these ruddy pregnancy hormones though, they turn me into a complete fanny, crying all night - he's only seen me cry twice, once was a bust up with my parents, and once was because he was crying (I shan't tell you why, but it was absolutely hilarious!!!)

Donk · 26/02/2008 20:32

Been OK with DH - almost blamed him for something I'm pretty sure was down to him - but there really was no point in bringing it up. DS has had a better time with me this evening.
Yay me! Now can I keep this up with 9W/SC2 tomorrow? (Class from hell)

Original poster

Janni · 27/02/2008 07:14

OK, am still doing this but have had to be VERY restrained. Had quite a hard time with the kids post-school yesterday and knew I also had to go to a parents' evening. When DH came home (early) so I could get out I would normally have a rant about the kids but instead we shut the door on the kids, had a little glass of wine together in the living room and off I went. Then I went for a drink with a few parents after the meeting and got home around 10.30.

There was DH sitting in front of the TV, surrounded by toys and mess and the kitchen untouched...Ordinarily I would have had a go at him but again I didn't...

If I had ASKED him to tidy up before I went out he probably would have done (in his own way), but once he'd got the kids to bed I'm sure he felt that was it for the day. Mess simply does not bother him.

So after 11 years of marriage do I just accept that this is him, he's not going to change and just concentrate on the good things about him - of which there really are lots?

If I'd said 'you could have tidied up a bit'
he'd have told me all the things he DID do or he'd have said 'I'll do it later' then I'd have made some sarky remark and this thread would be dead (for me).

How's everyone else getting on?

OP posts:

lollipopmother · 27/02/2008 09:25

Jannie, you're doing really well. Unfortunately I don't think there's many people that are completely perfect, some things you just have to compromise on. My partner knows I hate doing housework, where as he's verging on OCD, so he gets on with it and I sometimes lend a hand, he rarely has a go at me unless my side of the bedroom is really bad. I find loads of things to moan at him about but actually he is as near to perfect as you'll ever find. Moaning is a habit, and it's indicative of my mood rather than of what has or hasn't been done, iyswim.

Yesterday was good for me because I went to the pub for a spot of supper with my parents whilst my DP stayed home to do some work, so there was no time for me to step on his remaining Easter Egg!

lollipopmother · 27/02/2008 09:25

Yesterday was good for me because I went to the pub for a spot of supper with my parents whilst my DP stayed home to do some work, so there was no time for me to step on his remaining Easter Egg!

Original poster

Janni · 27/02/2008 19:41

Lollipop - I think you're so right about moaning being more indicative of your mood than the actual situation and I know my DH struggles with the fact that my reactions are unpredictable.

This 'challenge' has helped me with another situation today. Since Sept our 11 year old has been travelling on his own. He's under strict instructions to cross at the zebra but last night another mum told me she'd seen him narrowly miss being hit by a van because he'd tried to dodge the traffic and misjudged it

I had a very serious talk with him this morning
and he had tears of real remorse in his eyes so I felt a bit reassured. DH was still in bed when DS left for school and 'the old me' would have been full of 'why is this MY responsibility? Why can't he get up in time to talk to his son?' etc

When he did get up we talked and he came up with a different route our son could take, more long-winded but one which would avoid him crossing roads. He also agreed to pick DS up from school and go through it with him to really reinforce how seriously we took this. So DH has come up trumps and not a critical word has been spoken

OP posts:

JackieNo · 27/02/2008 23:04

Doing well, Janni. Do you think sighing heavily counts as criticism? I guess it does really. DH wanted to show me something, and called me over, and I did sigh a bit heavily, but he may not have heard me - it wasn't really one of those audible 'fgs' kind of sighs. And I stopped myself when I realised I was doing it...

Original poster

Janni · 27/02/2008 23:51

JackieYes - you're still on target to last the week !!

Sighing is permitted.

OP posts:

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