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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I don’t know what to do

71 replies

Tosnoreornottosnore · 08/07/2023 22:53

So DH snores and I don’t just mean an occasional light background snore I am talking at times full blown pneumatic drill territory. He’s been like this for a number of years but it has got much worse lately. He had an injury last year which means he can no longer sleep on his side(this helped the snoring). we rarely share a bed together now and he refuses to speak to the gp about it.
I have tried explaining that his snoring could be impacting his overall health and could he get a sleep study done(private health would cover this) and he has refused.
he has taken my concern as a full blown attack that I was calling him obese(he believes that only obese people can have sleep apnea). I never even mentioned weight it was purely an assumption based upon his preconceived ideas. I even explained that it can happen to people with healthy BMI as it is the anatomy of the mouth, and airways that plays a role.
Even if he sleeps in the spare room I can still hear him and I’ve resorted to sleeping in the car at times just to get away from the noise when it’s at its worst.
I can’t work from home and I’m in the office full time, the lack of sleep is taking its toll especially with 3 hours a day travel at present. If I get up to go to the loo at 3 or 4 in the morning I don’t get back to sleep because of the noise . I’ve been so exhausted on the drive home from work that I’ve had to pull over into a side street to have a nap so I’ve been safe to continue driving. I’m at a complete an utter loss of what to do.

OP posts:
Caravanvirgin · 08/07/2023 22:56
  1. tell Dh he must see a GP 2) buy a house with a spare room and ear plugs 3) leave him

Is he overweight? Is this why he won’t see a GP?

Original poster
Tosnoreornottosnore · 08/07/2023 23:10

he is overweight, the typical middle aged dad belly. I can’t wear ear plugs as I struggle to have anything in my ears or over my eyes. I wear ear plugs on site for work but when I’m not at work I can’t bear to have them in.
I am contemplating leaving him. He has even passed comment when I have raised concerns about my lack of sleep that knowing he is getting a good nights rest should make me happy. Much more to it than that but he’s in a very “me me me” bubble. If it doesn’t affect him he’s not interested. He works from home and when he needs to see clients it’s a short train journey. Me meanwhile am battling motorway traffic that barely moves at a snails pace. I stayed in an air b n b near work last for a week last month and he brought the dc for us to all catch-up for dinner and he complained about the journey. He wants to cancel the dc’s after school/weekend activities because he doesn’t want anything to impact his free time. It’s still me doing the lions share. His idea of looking after the dc is the tv, iPad or gaming consoles.
I got through the door utterly exhausted at nearly 8 pm last Wednesday and he had the cheek to complain to me that he was tired as he’d only had two naps that day. What the f am I meant to do. Property prices closer to work are astronomical and even rentals/leases are silly money get something that hasn’t been renovated since the 60’s

OP posts:
Original poster
Tosnoreornottosnore · 09/07/2023 00:22

anyone? Lying awake being serenaded by dh’s snoring 💤

OP posts:
Jongleterre · 09/07/2023 00:23

He is endangering his life whether he likes to admit it or not.

What a fool for if owning an important health issue.

He should be motivated to lose weight at the very least not throw it back in your face.

It's bloody selfish that he doesn't give a toss about his snoring causing you to lose sleep.

I would not tolerate this and would give him an ultimatum that he either tries to do something about it or I'm off before he dies prematurely due to his belligerence.

You can show him my post.

Jongleterre · 09/07/2023 00:23

If owning means ignoring ^

greenthumb13 · 09/07/2023 00:38

Use a white noise machine if you can't do earplugs.

Also tell him it's impacting you, so do it for you not him and he sleeps on the sofa till he fixes the problem.

He sounds like a selfish idiot btw.

Original poster
Tosnoreornottosnore · 09/07/2023 01:07

@Jongleterre i was worried I was being unreasonable/controlling by giving him an ultimatum.
He does weight training 3x per week but no cardio and thinks he’s some lean mean training machine because he’s so strong. 🤮.

@greenthumb13 I play music in the background to drown out the noise but sometimes even that’s not enough. And yes he’s selfish. He’s definitely not an idiot though as he’s incredibly intelligent, although his behaviour regularly demonstrates otherwise.
I don’t throw this term around lightly but I strongly suspect he’s a narcissist.

OP posts:
comfyshoes2022 · 09/07/2023 01:18

So, he sounds extremely difficult, and his attitude is unacceptable. However, I feel like you might have your own sleep issues if you are so bitterly exhausted and yet cannot fall/stay asleep for a full night - even in a different room - and the obvious solutions like ear plugs and white noise are either not viable or don’t help. You may both benefit from medical help with your sleep.

Original poster
Tosnoreornottosnore · 09/07/2023 01:29

comfyshoes2022 · 09/07/2023 01:18

So, he sounds extremely difficult, and his attitude is unacceptable. However, I feel like you might have your own sleep issues if you are so bitterly exhausted and yet cannot fall/stay asleep for a full night - even in a different room - and the obvious solutions like ear plugs and white noise are either not viable or don’t help. You may both benefit from medical help with your sleep.

Unlike my husband I’ve sought help and implemented all the medical advice I’ve been given. It’s perfectly natural to need to get up to go to the loo once at night what is not normal is having to try and get back to sleep with a human foghorn in the background.

OP posts:
Floralnomad · 09/07/2023 02:09

I think you should leave as it’s obvious from your posts that the snoring is the tip of the iceberg and that you dislike him

Sexisthairdressers · 09/07/2023 02:18

Offering a hug here.

Snoring is a relationship breaker.

I definitely think a serious final ultimatum is needed. Either he does something to address the problem, or it's over.

You mention that property prices are high. Are they entirely out of reach? Could you ask him to move out?

scoobysnaxx · 09/07/2023 02:37

He is so so bloody selfish! If there are other issues and you've considered leaving then leave. Immature selfish twat. Sorry stuff like this makes me rage. People who can completely ignore how their actions impact on others deliberate or not. Falling asleep on motorways? Sleeping in the car? And he doesn't give a shit? And has the AUDACITY to say you should be happy he's getting a good night sleep????

The woman was stunned.

Original poster
Tosnoreornottosnore · 09/07/2023 08:08

Floralnomad · 09/07/2023 02:09

I think you should leave as it’s obvious from your posts that the snoring is the tip of the iceberg and that you dislike him

@Floralnomad yes the snoring is most definitely the tip of the iceberg. I loved him, thought I’d struck gold when I met him but sadly the persona he showed me in the beginning was not the “true him”. He’s now shown his true colours and at times treats me with nothing short of contempt. What is there to like when your husband and the father of your children treats you with next to no respect.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tosnoreornottosnore · 09/07/2023 08:10

scoobysnaxx · 09/07/2023 02:37

He is so so bloody selfish! If there are other issues and you've considered leaving then leave. Immature selfish twat. Sorry stuff like this makes me rage. People who can completely ignore how their actions impact on others deliberate or not. Falling asleep on motorways? Sleeping in the car? And he doesn't give a shit? And has the AUDACITY to say you should be happy he's getting a good night sleep????

The woman was stunned.

@scoobysnaxx I have not fallen asleep at the wheel, certainly with sleep deprivation there is a risk. But as I said in a previous post, I know where my limits are and will pull over and have a Power Nap or find accomodation near work to stay overnight.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tosnoreornottosnore · 09/07/2023 08:13

Sexisthairdressers · 09/07/2023 02:18

Offering a hug here.

Snoring is a relationship breaker.

I definitely think a serious final ultimatum is needed. Either he does something to address the problem, or it's over.

You mention that property prices are high. Are they entirely out of reach? Could you ask him to move out?

Yes property prices as incredibly prohibitive in the area surrounding my place of work. I’ve spent hours and hours looking online and attending viewings. I’ve lost count of the time I’ve lost. DH refuses to live in a flat as he doesn’t want to consider neighbours. So essentially we are looking at detached properties and they are pricey.

OP posts:
Dillydollydingdong · 09/07/2023 08:16

I don't know how old you are but how long can you carry on like this? Bearing in mind you could live til you're 80, you could be looking at another 40 years! Sleep is very, very important to health. As someone else has said, tell him to sleep on the sofa, but at the end of the day, LTB.

TwilightSkies · 09/07/2023 08:18

He’s sounds like a selfish asshole and a completely shit partner!
You really do deserve much, much better.

RainbowUtensils · 09/07/2023 08:19

I think you do need to have a serious conversation about you leaving, laying out all the selfishness, of which not dealing with snoring is one.

I'm a snorer - I hate that I keep my husband from sleeping sometimes, and I'm doing my best to fix it, because I care about him.

finewelshcheese · 09/07/2023 08:19

I'm afraid as well as sleeping apart, I do have to resort to earplugs as well because I can hear him through the wall.

Have you tried all the different types? I find the silicon ones broken in half work best, too big otherwise. When we have to share a room I also use a musicozy headband playing white noise or wave music, on top of earplugs.

I feel your pain.

HeadacheEarthquake · 09/07/2023 08:19

"He wants to cancel the dc’s after school/weekend activities because he doesn’t want anything to impact his free time. It’s still me doing the lions share. His idea of looking after the dc is the tv, iPad or gaming consoles.
I got through the door utterly exhausted at nearly 8 pm last Wednesday and he had the cheek to complain to me that he was tired as he’d only had two naps that day."

He sounds like a complete cunt, sorry.

finewelshcheese · 09/07/2023 08:21

Having read your further updates, I'd probably forget the sleep aids and just leave.

scoobysnaxx · 09/07/2023 11:14

My point is that you've been dangerously close to falling asleep at the wheel and have the pull over.

This should be enough for any person with common bloody sense and an ounce of respect for YOUR safety and the safety of others, to do something about his snoring.

He doesn't give a shit. Literally stunned.

If I knew my snoring what impacting someone to any degree, the guilt and genuine respect would prompt me to do something about it. Even things I necessarily didn't want to do (E.g wear ear plugs or sleep downstairs etc).

The thought of impacting someone so much I start to effect their mental health, endanger them driving and have them sleep in the car is incredulous to me.

But your husband doesn't care.

This is beyond selfish. He has not 1 degree of empathy or consideration.

It is astounding. Leave him if there are other issues. I dread to think what kind of empathy he lacks in other areas or other situations in life. How awful.

Original poster
Tosnoreornottosnore · 09/07/2023 12:21

scoobysnaxx · 09/07/2023 11:14

My point is that you've been dangerously close to falling asleep at the wheel and have the pull over.

This should be enough for any person with common bloody sense and an ounce of respect for YOUR safety and the safety of others, to do something about his snoring.

He doesn't give a shit. Literally stunned.

If I knew my snoring what impacting someone to any degree, the guilt and genuine respect would prompt me to do something about it. Even things I necessarily didn't want to do (E.g wear ear plugs or sleep downstairs etc).

The thought of impacting someone so much I start to effect their mental health, endanger them driving and have them sleep in the car is incredulous to me.

But your husband doesn't care.

This is beyond selfish. He has not 1 degree of empathy or consideration.

It is astounding. Leave him if there are other issues. I dread to think what kind of empathy he lacks in other areas or other situations in life. How awful.

@scoobysnaxx The fault is mine apparently for not being able to get back to sleep if I get up to the loo in the middle of the night.

OP posts:
HeadacheEarthquake · 09/07/2023 20:58

Come on OP you know this isn't normal or fair, or even fully about the snoring

Original poster
Tosnoreornottosnore · 10/07/2023 08:20

@HeadacheEarthquake absolutely 💯%. The snoring is merely the tip of the iceberg. It’s the lack of empathy that’s the real deal breaker.

OP posts: