I don’t know what to do

[Tosnoreornottosnore]

So DH snores and I don’t just mean an occasional light background snore I am talking at times full blown pneumatic drill territory. He’s been like this for a number of years but it has got much worse lately. He had an injury last year which means he can no longer sleep on his side(this helped the snoring). we rarely share a bed together now and he refuses to speak to the gp about it.
I have tried explaining that his snoring could be impacting his overall health and could he get a sleep study done(private health would cover this) and he has refused.
he has taken my concern as a full blown attack that I was calling him obese(he believes that only obese people can have sleep apnea). I never even mentioned weight it was purely an assumption based upon his preconceived ideas. I even explained that it can happen to people with healthy BMI as it is the anatomy of the mouth, and airways that plays a role.
Even if he sleeps in the spare room I can still hear him and I’ve resorted to sleeping in the car at times just to get away from the noise when it’s at its worst.
I can’t work from home and I’m in the office full time, the lack of sleep is taking its toll especially with 3 hours a day travel at present. If I get up to go to the loo at 3 or 4 in the morning I don’t get back to sleep because of the noise . I’ve been so exhausted on the drive home from work that I’ve had to pull over into a side street to have a nap so I’ve been safe to continue driving. I’m at a complete an utter loss of what to do.

Awake again :-( I’m not sure how long I can wait before giving him an ultimatum. We have a big family wedding coming up next month and enough other stressful situations ongoing so I’m thinking to wait until the wedding is over as tensions are already high.
He will be so defensive so any guidance and suggestions of how to approach the conversation would be very much appreciated. I’ve spoken to the bank about getting a mortgage on my own and the budget would only stretch to a 1 bedroom flat. With dc in the mix that’s a no go.

When I was splitting up with my ex i looked at buying two small new build terraces next-door to each other.

That was a way of keeping it flexible for the kids and having separate lives.

We both snored! He was also a miserable old git. I don't miss him.

https://www.zoopla.co.uk/new-homes/details/64564736/?featured=1&utm_content=featured_listing&search_identifier=9b392826-89e6-4dbf-91f0-d3ec7c64498b

Like this. I've just randomly stuck in Northampton to search for an illustration

https://www.onthemarket.com/details/13103795/

Shared ownership Wiltshire

How old are the DC, @Tosnoreornottosnore? You really need to contact a shit hot lawyer (SHL), as we say round these parts, to talk about Mesher Orders etc.

Sympathies

I thought about doing this but he would go out of his way to make as much noise as possible and disturb me. Before we bought our house we rented a flat. He would make a racket brushing his teeth at midnight and in the early hours. I felt so sorry for the neighbours and he refused to change his routine. It doesn’t help that the in laws also don’t think you should alter your behaviour when you have neighbours to consider. Even allowing the DGC to continue bounce a basketball on the floor and throw marbles on the floor at the crack of dawn one Sunday morning. The neighbours came up to complain as it was directly over their bedroom and the in laws let the dgc keep playing! They proudly tell the story to anyone who will listen. In their minds they are just living their life and a home is for living, stuff anyone else
He will occasionally brush his teeth at the laundry sink to save waking me now but otherwise refuses to alter his routine in any way. I’ve given him ultimatums over his behaviour in the past and I finally think I’ve got through to him but then we are back at square one shortly thereafter
I think I just need to resign myself to the fact that a leopard never changes it’s spots.

10 and 13. One boy and one girl so not appropriate for them to share a room. We had planned to have 4 but I wasn’t prepared to have any more once our relationship started go south.

Does his snoring not wake the kids up?

Fortunately not, the teenager sleeps like a log and the youngest plays sleep music overnight.

About a year ago my husband’s snoring worsened to the point where I dreaded going to bed. Every night one of us would end up walking out the bedroom and going to sleep on the sofa.

I could have written every single word of your post OP, that’s how my life was.

So now, for the last 2 months me and DH have had separate bedrooms and it has been bliss.

I cannot believe how much more sleep I’m getting and as a result how much it has positively impacted on my day to day mood and ability to function.

I really sympathise OP.

PS) Your DH sounds vile - I think leaving him is the best way to go 👍

He sounds like a horrible person. I'd be splitting.

when I have raised concerns about my lack of sleep that knowing he is getting a good nights rest should make me happy.
Nasty man.
My ex was a serious snorer, not as bad as yours and nowhere near as selfish but it was hell. I really sympathise. People who haven’t been through this have no idea. It can’t be fixed with earplugs. I ended up almost permanently on a fold up bed in the spare room, but that was fine because I was able to sleep.
Having read your updates, the only way forward seems to be to start divorce proceedings and discussions with a solicitor about options for money and housing. He “won’t” agree to this and that but if you divorce, an agreement has to happen, even if it isn’t perfect for both parties. You just can’t go on like this, it will affect your physical and mental health too badly. And your kids will suffer too.

You have my every sympathy. My STBXH used to snore really loudly. He wasn’t overweight, and it was obviously worse when he’d been drinking.

He denied snoring and said that anyway he doesn’t make a fuss when I ‘snuffle‘ when I’m asleep. He likes to listen to the radio so has his ear buds in all night. I tried suggesting that because of this he couldn’t hear his own snoring, but he said I was talking rubbish.

However I overhead him talking to mates when they were going away for a few days. He confirmed he was booking his own room, as ‘no-one wants to listen to my snoring’.

As you say it’s the complete lack of empathy and care that’s the problem.

Perhaps you need to take fairly positive action, and move some rooms around so you are far enough away from him not to be disturbed. Is it possible to move the son to the spare bedroom? Or at a push share your DDs room?

I know you probably don’t want to inconvenience the kids but you may have to be more selfish for your own sake. I agree this can be a relationship breaker and it was one of many things for me. We stopped sharing a room (which was a relief for me and lucky we had space), but it meant I didn’t want to go away with him or holiday because it would have meant stuck sharing a room with him and as these events usually involved booze, the snoring was at its worst.

Obviously he should do something about it, and you shouldn’t have to try and find peace to sleep in your own house. Have you tried recording him and playing it back? Can the kids help you shame him into action?

If he’s sleeping/snoring all night and is tired and still wants daytime naps then he’s very likely suggesting from sleep apnea which is serious.

If you decide you’ve had enough, lack of sleep is a good enough reason.

@Isheabastard he hears his dad snore loudly when we stay at the in laws. I suppose her snoring has been normalised so he doesn’t feel the need to be responsible about it. Like your ex I’m sure he is acutely aware of how loud it is. He told me it would be an invasion of his privacy if I recorded his snoring. Both DC know it’s a pointless exercise to try and get him to do anything about his snoring. He immediately “goes on the defence” if even a hint of anything negative is said in his direction. Neither DC snore fortunately so I’m hoping it stays that was especially for DS.

I'd be looking to divorce him, he sounds miserable and horribly selfish. I snore. I probably have sleep apnea. However I sleep semi-upright which helps with reducing the snoring and I have been to see my GP and am on the waiting list for a sleep study. If I end up sliding down in the night and snoring, DH will shake me to get me to move - or if I want to be able to sleep in a more prone position I'll go downstairs and sleep on the sofa.

In terms of property, would a flat which has a large bedroom and reception room be do-able? The kids could have the bedroom with a divider down it, and you could have the living room (you can get some very good sofa beds now).

Both dc have said they never want to live in a flat again. I know it’s better that than not having a roof over their head but they would want to live with their dad full time as their father’s attitude about my house my rules has rubbed off on them and they don’t want to change their behaviour to be considerate of others/our neighbours. We are incredibly fortunate to be living in a small detached property.

Have you tried playing white noise loudly?
Or just wake him up and tell him to stay awake for a bit so you can go back to sleep.
This will infuriate him enough to seek help

Or give him a tent in the garden

I have woken him up in the past with a nudge but he falls back to sleep almost instantly so all it does is piss me off even more about the whole situation.
He also lacks basic manners like covering his mouth when he yawns and now ds copies him too. He accuses me of trying to stop him from getting oxygen when he yawns if I ask him to cover his mouth. I thought it was just basic manners. And don’t get me started on how noisily he eats, and I know with absolute certainty that he didn’t do so when we first met although he tries to insist otherwise.

It sounds like total contempt has come into this marriage in both directions which is one of the signs that divorce is coming

Also, surely you'd be happier in a flat you could sleep in than a house you're being tortured in?

If you split up and they chose initially to live with their dad as they'd think less rules or whatever, I'm certain they would change their minds within weeks when he doesn't care for them like they do.
You're also allowed to leave and not live with them- doesn't make you a bad person and you can still be a mum and see lots of them

There is no guarantee that I’d get any more peace in a flat with doors being slammed and people coming up and down the stairs in a block of flats as well as general noise from other flats . People always insist on keeping dogs in flats and the incessant barking was a pain