I don’t know what to do

[Tosnoreornottosnore]

So DH snores and I don’t just mean an occasional light background snore I am talking at times full blown pneumatic drill territory. He’s been like this for a number of years but it has got much worse lately. He had an injury last year which means he can no longer sleep on his side(this helped the snoring). we rarely share a bed together now and he refuses to speak to the gp about it.
I have tried explaining that his snoring could be impacting his overall health and could he get a sleep study done(private health would cover this) and he has refused.
he has taken my concern as a full blown attack that I was calling him obese(he believes that only obese people can have sleep apnea). I never even mentioned weight it was purely an assumption based upon his preconceived ideas. I even explained that it can happen to people with healthy BMI as it is the anatomy of the mouth, and airways that plays a role.
Even if he sleeps in the spare room I can still hear him and I’ve resorted to sleeping in the car at times just to get away from the noise when it’s at its worst.
I can’t work from home and I’m in the office full time, the lack of sleep is taking its toll especially with 3 hours a day travel at present. If I get up to go to the loo at 3 or 4 in the morning I don’t get back to sleep because of the noise . I’ve been so exhausted on the drive home from work that I’ve had to pull over into a side street to have a nap so I’ve been safe to continue driving. I’m at a complete an utter loss of what to do.

i have seen parental alienation in action, they use the time to manipulate the dc so much so that they go no contact with the parent who was trying to do the right thing and didn’t display abusive behaviours. I could never risk loosing my dc like that

if I was in a financial position to do so, I’d do it in a heartbeat. I’ve only shared the tip of the iceberg with his behaviour because I wanted the thread to be about snoring advice. Even although he treats me with contempt i still do my upmost to be respectful to him and ensure that the dc communicate respectfully to him.

I guess depends how new the flats are - mine is 15 years old so well insulated and I don't hear much from neighbours

*I’ve only shared the tip of the iceberg with his behaviour because I wanted the thread to be about snoring advice. Even although he treats me with contempt i still do my upmost to be respectful to him and ensure that the dc communicate respectfully to him.
*
Sorry OP but there is absolutely no point in asking for advice on snoring then.

He is obviously not willing to change or even try anything to help you because he doesn't give a shit.

He's practically laughing at you. You should be grateful he's getting a good nights sleep remember 🫠

He sounds like a really obnoxious immature selfish person who is definitely showing you utter contempt. I don't know how you stand him. It seems like the relationship is doomed if you're only telling us the tip of the iceberg...

Any advice on handling snoring will be pointless and only enable his terrible behaviour further. It's disgusting. I'd be raging.

Sorry OP I'd be divorcing 🤷🏽‍♀️

@scoobysnaxx I always wanted marriage to be for life. With dc in the mix things are so much harder to know what to do for the best. It will definitely get to the point of divorce it’s just a matter of when. The advice about snoring was something that could be addressed long before the marriage issues and I saw the benefit in reaching out for guidance. It has definitely helped put things in perspective that his attitude on this issue alone is enough to questing the marriage. When you are immersed in a situation it becomes difficult to separate what’s normal/typical behaviour and embracing acceptance of people having difference approaches vs boundaries being crossed.

Lying awake after a long day. Had dozed off until he came into the room and I’m now wide awake listening to him snore contemplating going out for a walk in the dark just to get away from the noise.
can I make the appointment for him at the gp and tell him for the sake of his health and mine that I expect him to go?

awake when all I want to do is sleep. Sunday mornings should not start at stupid o’clock especially when I had to be up early with the dc yesterday.

Your sleep pattern will improve immeasurably due to the absence of a snoring selfish shite partner in the same house as you. Seriously.

Sounds like a nightmare.
Could you put up a garden room and one of you sleep there? (Until you get divorced)

Thinking of checking into a hotel tonight to get some peace and quiet. Don’t know how I going to function at work tomorrow otherwise

Hi Op, my DH had a big snoring problem. I had recorded him during the night and the kids complained about hearing him too. He was constantly shattered and it turned out he had severe sleep apnea and was stopping breathing lots. He ended up having an operation on his soft palate and that helped. So he listened and did something about it.

However, you seem to have a selfish bastard problem that means you have to find solutions that work for you. Is it possible to move jobs so you're closer to more affordable housing?

Sleep deprivation is torture. There’s an app called Naturespace that plays sounds like rain or ocean, you could wear sleep earphones?

i did read that you don’t want earplugs and struggle with things over your eyes. I’m just thinking anything that would block him out, and let your rage calm enough to sleep - I so very well know that absolute RAGE, and the horrible anticipation waiting for the next loud snore.

I used to wonder if anyone had ever murdered someone over it.

(That relationship of mine did not last. It was not due to the snoring, but that was one of the reasons. I was so tired, I was constantly on edge.)

hugs OP. Wishing you some peace and quiet

Also, in the meantime I'd be 'speaking' to his devices when he wasn't around so he is bombarded by info on sleep apnea/snoring aids. Buy him a watch that records sleep patterns? I used to sleep with my AirPods in with gentle music on too but he was so loud that wouldn't work too often.
Sleep deprivation is a form of torture

@Newnamehiwhodis yep, sleep deprivation is hell on earth. Work is so much harder on a lack of sleep. I’m exhausted and I’ve still got a full week of work ahead of me. I’m also up at stupid o’clock tomorrow due to an earlier than usual start to due to meetings. I never did manage to check into the hotel the other night. Contemplating it for Wednesday night, somewhere close to work just to give me some breathing room.

Well, you certainly can't blame up on her.

I think he sounds absolutely awful. The idea of you sleeping in the car is heartbreaking. You seem to want to stay in the marriage so I think the only thing you can do is get used to earplugs. There just isn't any other way around it. You can wear a Fitbit or something which will vibrate and you can use that instead of an alarm clock.

And then the minute the kids leave home, I would be off.

@determinedtomakethiswork I think my resilience due to lack of sleep is waning and rather than holding out until they leave school waiting for the youngest to get to secondary/high school will be a more achievable goal. I dread the “fall out” from a separation but the lack of sleep will slowly kill me.

Don't wait, OP. You are squandering your one and only life being miserable.

The kids will adapt.

@ZeldaWillTellYourFortune the thought of not living with the dc full time fills me with dread. I’m petrified that the quality of life their DF can offer will have them both at his place full time. If I could offer a good quality of life I believe they would want to be with me however, there is a cavernous hole between poverty/just above the breadline and a relative life of luxury with their father.

Don’t make a GP appointment for him, make a solicitors appointment for yourself.

Is there a reason you are assuming that he would get to stay in the marital home and you would have to move out? I’d be taking legal advice on whether this would definitely be the case.

You mentioned that you do the lions share and he wants to cancel the kids activities - doesn’t sound like he would manage 50:50 if you separated? He will no doubt threaten you with this as men usually do but once reality kicks in it may be a different story

good luck

Does anyone have any advice or experience when both parents earn hugely different salaries when you need to separate? There is no way even if I didn’t have a mortgage that I could cover the bills and other expenses of our family home