When someone shows you who they are…

[PeopleEatOrangesParrotsLayEggs]

I’ve been dating a man, it’s early days (couple of months) and he is quite taken by me. He’s very demonstrative with his words and actions, cooks for me, pays me compliments, helps me with things, takes me out and is very proactive.

We had a text exchange and it escalated quickly and I think he’s shown me who he is. We talked about what had happened and I felt he minimised his reaction. I was surprised as I thought he would have been more reflective and taken ownership. I’ve said I need to cool things to gather my thoughts and he has apologised, begged, and apparently reflected.

So who is he? A sarcastic, minimising person who needs to work on his triggers or, someone who adores me but made a mistake who wants another chance?

Most likely he is both, but does one set of behaviours make up for the others?

Sounds like he dropped his guard when he wasn’t physically with you. I’d give him another chance, but be ready to split if needed.

It's easy to lovebomb.

It's harder to keep the mask from slipping.

You caught a glimpse of what he has in store.

Are you able to share more about what happened?

Impossible to say without knowing what you disagreed about. There's a huge difference between 'minimising' something petty in the context of an otherwise good relationship, and someone failing to own objectively bad behaviour. Similarly without knowing what his 'trigger' was its impossible to say whether he should work on that or you should have been more sensitive.

He did drop his guard @DustyLee123, but it never would have happened face to face because the question I asked would have landed differently.

However he still made a choice not to clarify or gather his thoughts before he replied.

We all make mistakes though. I feel as though he won’t make the same one again.

So who is he? A sarcastic, minimising person who needs to work on his triggers or, someone who adores me but made a mistake who wants another chance

This question wouldn't come up if you'd found the right man for you, so the answer is irrelevant.

@ThatFraggle, that’s what I’m afraid of. One one hand I think, it’s good I know about this side to him before I get emotionally invested. On the other hand, I think he made a mistake.

I sent a question over text @Painfulj. I wish I hadn’t, it wasn’t appropriate for text. His response was very defensive. He sent lots of messages.

I could see how hurt he must have been as he went from minimising and justifying to reiterating all the good things he does.

I agree about context @5128gap but as it’s the early days, there isn’t much to go on.

So no second chance @Watchkeys?

He wants to talk. I did give him that opportunity and I feel he made it worse.

I appreciate he didn’t realise how seriously I had taken his text responses. But that makes me think he misread the situation. Not necessarily blaming him but it feels like it shows our approaches are quite different.

I wish I hadn’t, it wasn’t appropriate for text

It wasn't appropriate for text for him. For you, it was, otherwise you wouldn't have asked it by text.

Finding a compatible partner means finding someone who doesn't freak out at things that you think are fine. Otherwise you end up with a partner who may blow up at seemingly innocuous things. And this has been demonstrated to you by him.

Nobody is right or wrong, but he didn't like what you asked, and you didn't like his response. That's incompatibility. That's what doesn't happen in healthy, compatible relationships.

You've known him a couple of months. So this is something that happens between you and him once every couple of months. If you're happy with that as part of your relationship, then yes, keep seeing him.

But ask yourself why you would choose that when you could meet someone who thought that pretty much everything you do/say is fabulous.

It depends what the question was.
If it wasn't appropriate for text was he wrong to get offended and defensive?

I can see how the question I asked was inappropriate for text, it came across as accusatory. I’m owning that and I’m taking my learning forward.

But I’m not owning his reaction, I certainly don’t think I am to blame.

His perspective is that if a couple argues/disagrees once every couple of months, that’s good!

What's your perspective on that?

Relationships aren't about blame and fault. He is entitled to feel and respond however he wants, as long as he stays within the law. There are no rules.

You are entitled to feel and respond how you want. No rules.

No blame.

Have you enjoyed his response? Do you want to have it in your life on the regular? Is it right for you?

@PeopleEatOrangesParrotsLayEggs I think you're right to consider how the question has landed. Some things don't translate well over text and nicest people can show a mean streak if they feel unjustly accused or insulted.

It could be as simple as he felt insulted so he fired back and this can be something you can talk about and work on. Question is, can he tell his response was not ok?

My perspective is, it’s not about how many times a couple disagrees, it’s how they behave when they do.

I don’t ever want that behaviour again. Never.

I think he will be mindful of that now and make changes.

Without knowing what the question was and what was said this is almost impossible to judge!

@PaintedEgg our first conversation after the texting incident he didn’t understand accept how awful he had been.

Now, he has more of an idea. So do I meet him for coffee and hear what he has to say?

@PaintedEgg I understand that he was offended/insulted, hindsight and all.

But I suppose, I would have hoped he still had a way of responding other than the way he did.

Saying, I think that’s an in person question. Or ouch, that stings.

But just because that’s what I would have done, doesn’t mean that’s right for him.

I mean this nicely but I think you're being naive if you think he's going to permanently change his defensive style of reaction because you told him off once.

I'd also be very wary of someone who is very taken with you when he hasn't had the time to get to know you properly.

I don't know what you said, but he could have been more generous and not assumed you were attacking him or being rude. But he did take it that way and got very forcefully defensive? Doesn't sound good to me.

But that means you want him to change himself from how he fundamentally and naturally responds your your fundamental and natural approach.

I would say that if someone exhibits behaviour you would never want to see again within the first few years of a relationship, get out. You've only known him weeks.