When someone shows you who they are…

[PeopleEatOrangesParrotsLayEggs]

I’ve been dating a man, it’s early days (couple of months) and he is quite taken by me. He’s very demonstrative with his words and actions, cooks for me, pays me compliments, helps me with things, takes me out and is very proactive.

We had a text exchange and it escalated quickly and I think he’s shown me who he is. We talked about what had happened and I felt he minimised his reaction. I was surprised as I thought he would have been more reflective and taken ownership. I’ve said I need to cool things to gather my thoughts and he has apologised, begged, and apparently reflected.

So who is he? A sarcastic, minimising person who needs to work on his triggers or, someone who adores me but made a mistake who wants another chance?

Most likely he is both, but does one set of behaviours make up for the others?

Pretty much all of this. It's not about blame or one person being right or wrong. It's about working well together.

my reading of the situation is he reacted, you see his reaction as over the top and a red flag, he would say that is how he reacted and he is sorry for it but it was your text that started this, the text you yourself say should not have been sent

But this is a definition of incompatibility. One person thinks their behaviour is fine, the other one sees a red flag. Nobody has done anything 'wrong', they're just too different to see each other's side. If this sort of stuff is happening after a couple of months, just get out. Once in a blue moon, yes, and between couple that have been together long term, but in the 'get to know you', just a few weeks in? Red flag means 'stop'.

I’m afraid you sound quite self-centred, OP. You talk about how hurt he was about this mysterious text that was, by your own assessment, ‘inappropriate’. You use the word ‘triggers’: they’re called that for a reason. And yet, for not reacting in a way you deem correct, he is supposed to walk over broken glass and use it as a learning experience. Perhaps you don’t care enough to understand the triggers - and perhaps in any case your approaches to conflict resolution are incompatible, but I think I’d be done with someone so pompous.

There are a few problems here.

You say he's quite taken with you in a short time. If he's so enamoured of you, why would he assume that your text was accusatory?

Reiterating the good things he's done means he's keeping score. So it's ok if he behaves badly as long as there's a certain amount of good deeds to balance it.

And now you have thought about it and decided your question shouldn't have been asked by text. He isn't changing his behaviour. He's changing yours.

do please tell us what the interaction was for you to draw this conclusion.
or strart a new thread on your individual experience which prompted this judgement.

What was the question? It’s seems you are not willing to share that which makes me think it was intrusive, personal and rude. But we will never know unless you shed light on the question.

I think it’s impossible to assess this without knowing what you said to him/what your question was before he reacted.

It could be that you don’t want to say because then you might get a different reception here? Or just because you think it’s too outing?

I agree, you wouldn't ask if in your gut you hadn't seen a nasty side.

However IF you want to try and be sure, you can have a chat about it, say what hurt you and why, see how he felt, tell him what you do and don't need when future disagreements happen and ask him to share the same. Then you'll have to wait and see if he can at least try to apply this next time.

I agree with the PP. Listing all your good points in a confrontation is an odd thing to do.

Doing good things doesn't give you points to spend on bad behaviour.

and the interaction/bad behaviour was what exactly?
am still waiting on news.

Also a way to shut down the conversation, and make the other person doubt themselves.

I agree with the PP. Listing all your good points in a confrontation is an odd thing to do.

It’s something people do when they feel attacked, though. It sounds like a possibility that he felt this way. Given that OP does not seem inclined to share her side of this interaction or any real details about his response, it’s impossible to judge.

"His response was very defensive. He sent lots of messages.

I could see how hurt he must have been as he went from minimising and justifying to reiterating all the good things he does."

Blowing up her phone with defensive messages in response to a question. Then minimising it, followed by boasting.

I'd call that bad etiquette at best. Downright worrying, is my view.

“Blowing up her phone” is really subjective. She brought up a raw personal topic, that much she admitted. It was, in retrospect, not appropriate for a text conversation, she also explained. I’ll give some grace to anyone sending a long response (even broken into several texts) to being prodded on a private, painful matter.

If the op is asking inappropriate questions through a medium she herself thinks isn't the best then maybe it is her mask which is slipping and she is showing her true self.

Much easier to just say what it was.

Believe him. Walk away with your head held high and then believe yourself that you've had a lucky escape!

It sounds like over defensiveness to me. I'd give that kind of behaviour a wide birth.

And I wouldn't want any kind of variation on blowing up my phone. Even five or six messages in a row going from defensiveness, to minimising, to boasting would give me the willies.