When someone shows you who they are…

[PeopleEatOrangesParrotsLayEggs]

I’ve been dating a man, it’s early days (couple of months) and he is quite taken by me. He’s very demonstrative with his words and actions, cooks for me, pays me compliments, helps me with things, takes me out and is very proactive.

We had a text exchange and it escalated quickly and I think he’s shown me who he is. We talked about what had happened and I felt he minimised his reaction. I was surprised as I thought he would have been more reflective and taken ownership. I’ve said I need to cool things to gather my thoughts and he has apologised, begged, and apparently reflected.

So who is he? A sarcastic, minimising person who needs to work on his triggers or, someone who adores me but made a mistake who wants another chance?

Most likely he is both, but does one set of behaviours make up for the others?

@PeopleEatOrangesParrotsLayEggs would you feel comfortable meeting with him? its ok to not give people second chances in the early days if you dont feel its worth the effort. there is no "right" way of approaching a situation where someone acts in a way we don't like and it may not be something that you'd be willing to put up with in a future.

Thanks @OldBeller, I’ve taken your response in the spirit it was intended.

One thing I would add is that few others posters are right - traits like these dont change overnight.

I'd say that depending on how bad it was it may not necessarily be a bad or good trait - just a way someone reacts to certain triggers. A different person may have not felt the way you did or even snap back. You felt uncomfortable and that's all that should matter to you. Assume he will act like this again because he most likely will.

It’s why I’m wondering if people can fundamentally change @Watchkeys.

He will want to but is it possible?

@PaintedEgg good question. I don’t feel unsafe meeting him, I just don’t want to give him any false hope.

@PeopleEatOrangesParrotsLayEggs life is not all about feeling safe or unsafe. Someone may simply have a personality that does not align with ours and in a long turn it will probably lead to some level of dislike towards this person .

People can change, but if they have a temper then this temper will always be there in one form or another. There will be other arguments and disagreement and even if he tones down a little, he still will be ultimately himself - and in those cases you probably wont like him

The only grey area I see here is the fact that it was over a text so both sides were open to misinterpretation

Why are you being so coy about what actually happened, OP? All of this advice is meaningless without that. Some behaviours are inexcusable but in the vast majority of situations including this one context is everything.

What was the question?

I don't think anyone can judge his reaction without knowing what you asked?,

Why can't you just tell us what the question was, then we can tell you what our response would have been.

It sounds to me like you feel he should be privileged to be with you and change his behaviour and attitudes so they align with yours. That's fine if that's what you want but why put him through it? Find someone better suited to you and save both of you the stress

Am I the only one who hasn't a clue what all this is about?
are we all expected to mind read?
anyways, doubtless the LTB crew will swan by.

That's not the healthy question, though. The healthy question is 'Why do I want to be with someone who isn't currently what I want?'

Why do you?

I don't think it matters. OP feels like it wasn't a proportionate reaction. Unless she's very unreasonable, and it certainly doesn't seem that way, I'm happy to take that on face value.

Thank you!

What does your gut feel?

None of us can really give an opinion without the context of the text he reacted to. You obviously felt the need to bring something up but if we don't know what that is, we can't comment. Our responses might be very different if it was to do with say, driving too fast, sex, money, overbearing behaviour, personal hygiene, whatever it was, we can't tell whether his response was justified or not unless we know what it was about.

Anyway, if you feel uncomfortable about his reaction, that's all that matters.

Agree, the question is important. For instance, if a guy I'd met a couple of months ago sent me something like, have you always been so promiscuous, then he'd get short shrift back and that would be that.

But context matters.
We can't give an honest answer if we don't know the question.

Plus @PeopleEatOrangesParrotsLayEggs did you really need to send the text.
And what type of response were you expecting.

I could see how hurt he must have been as he went from minimising and justifying to reiterating all the good things he does.

In a ’look at all I do for you’ way? Be wary of this. Classic abuser justification.

I think you are being unfair to this man.
you yourself now say the text was not a good idea /not something to send by tetx...and you then seem upset he reacted badly.
This is the problem with tetx conversations, comments/questions etc get taken out of context or 'land wrong' because there is no tone of voice, or non verbal clues to how they are meant, a jokey comment can be seen as a serious insult ...
it sounds like whatever it was upset him and he lashed out ....and has now got over it
i am very like this...i rarely lose my temper or get upset but if i do it is short and hot and then i am happy to talk about it, usually apologise for the reaction and want to move on.
my reading of the situation is he reacted, you see his reaction as over the top and a red flag, he would say that is how he reacted and he is sorry for it but it was your text that started this, the text you yourself say should not have been sent.

stop looking for things that are not there, he is just a person who lost his cool for a bit .

Good point.

Two months is not a long time, and we do not have enough information.

Time is the decisive revealer.

Whether you want to spend that time, only you know.

I will second a previous poster and say what does your gut say?

A lot of people will respond defensively or over the top of they are asked a question over text which they feel is attacking/belittling/insulting them.

It's impossible to judge until you say what the question is and why you asked it.

Another one saying what was the question? That really is pivotal as to whether he’s being unreasonable or not. We wouldn’t give the same answer if it was “do you think your ex wife cheated on you because you’re a horrid cunt” as opposed to “why do you keep buying me bananas when you know I don’t like them”

It’s very difficult to judge tone over text so things can come across in a way that they were never intended which can colour people’s responses.

its hard to judge his reaction without knowing what the question was though