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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Adult son, intimidation and verbal abuse

61 replies

morethanspice · 07/07/2023 14:51

I’ve posted previously about my son, and sad to say the behaviour has escaped. Yesterday he got very angry when I told him he was not allowed to take my elderly frail dog to visit his father (my abusive ex) He started shouting and telling me I was mental and belonged in an institution and accused me off smirking when I tried to say his behaviour wasn’t acceptable. He then forced me out of the kitchen and slammed the door ordered me to leave
please don’t say talk when he’s calm. It’s impossible as he has zero respect for me. Learned from his father, he’s even got the same intimidating mannerisms
I don’t know how to proceed. It’s my home. He insisted on coming when we had to leave our family home

OP posts:
Hotterthanhades · 07/07/2023 14:54

How old is he?

are you currently locked out of your own home?

I’d call the police if he refuses to let you in. I know this may sound dramatic but this is domestic abuse and it needs to be nipped in the bud. Like you say, he’s learned it from his father. He need to learn from you that’s it’s unacceptable.

Bananalanacake · 07/07/2023 14:54

There must be a good reason he can't live with his dad. I'm sure someone will advise he should say he's homeless to the council to get help depending on how old he is.

Original poster
morethanspice · 07/07/2023 14:57

He’s in his early twenties. I fled the house in tears and drove to work early.

OP posts:
massiveclamps · 07/07/2023 15:02

Call the police. He is being aggressively abusive towards you. Let the police deal with him.

GeriatricMumma · 07/07/2023 15:05

Kick him out! Let him go and live with his Dad.

frozendaisy · 07/07/2023 15:07

GeriatricMumma · 07/07/2023 15:05

Kick him out! Let him go and live with his Dad.

Was going to say the same, let his dad pay his bills.

Hotterthanhades · 07/07/2023 15:10

morethanspice · 07/07/2023 14:57

He’s in his early twenties. I fled the house in tears and drove to work early.

Ok - so he’s an adult.

This makes it simpler. This is abuse. Call the police and report the incident. The police can put your number on alert so if you call from this address, they’ll make sure officers get there quickly. Speak to Women’s Aid ( it’s not just partners who carry out domestic abuse.)

you need to set firm boundaries- most importantly for yourself , but this may also make him see how this behaviour is unacceptable. He thinks it’s ok because he has seen his dad do it.

My brother is like this. It took me threatening to call the police before he stopped terrorising my mother.

GeriatricMumma · 07/07/2023 15:13

@frozendaisy
I know right?

Chuck him out - he's an adult.

If he returns, call the police and change the locks.

Sounds like he needs some really tough love.

ANiceBigCupOfTea · 07/07/2023 15:15

I agree with PP who say kick him out. He's an adult so he can go see what it's like living with his dad or paying all his own bills. He sounds dreadful to live with and you absolutely don't need or deserve this.
I do agree that calling the police and/or Women's Aid is a good shout as well for practical advice and support.

Dacadactyl · 07/07/2023 15:16

I'd throw him out and call the police each and every time he came to the house.

Maybe give him one more warning saying "if you disrespect me and make me feel afraid in my own home one more time, you will have to move out" and stick to it.

If my kids behaved like this on a regular basis (id let a one off slide), they'd be in a homeless shelter so fast their feet wouldn't touch.

Lamelie · 07/07/2023 15:22

💐
Time for him to leave. I knew when you mentioned telling you off for smirking this was direct copying his Dad.

Lamelie · 07/07/2023 15:23

And I know it sounds impossible but you have to. It’ll now escalate until he leaves home to treat another woman this way. If you assert yourself know he has a chance of not becoming an abuser like his dad.
Flowers

Fannieannie63 · 07/07/2023 15:31

Call the police, report him immediately! Tell Dad he’s moving in xx

Gettingbysomehow · 07/07/2023 15:33

Call the police and change the locks. If this was my DS I would.

Fannieannie63 · 07/07/2023 15:33

Sorry I have the grown up of a narcissist and there are similarities. I wish someone had told me. He’s 42 it never ends .

massiveclamps · 07/07/2023 15:38

You need to keep your dog safe from him and your abusive ex. Tell the police that as well.

FartSock5000 · 07/07/2023 15:56

@morethanspice if you don't stand up for yourself now, you will never have a healthy relationship with you son.

I doubt this is possible if he is abusive anyway but you have to try or you'll be his punching bag and doormat forever.

Give him one last warning. The next time he intimidates you or is physical, you will be reporting him to 101 and he will have to go live with his Dad.

You have to draw your line in the sand and tell him enough is enough.

He is old enough to know what he is doing to you is wrong. The longer you let him do it, the worse it will get and you will never have any semblance of a healthy relationship with him.

It is okay to love your son but not to like him. That doesn't make you a bad mum. He has grown into a terror like his DF and learned that abuse and fear are okay. As his mum, you need to show him it is NOT. That is your job.

Newestname002 · 07/07/2023 16:08

morethanspice · 07/07/2023 14:57

He’s in his early twenties. I fled the house in tears and drove to work early.

I'm so sorry you're being abused by your son - I'm afraid the apple hasn't fallen far from the tree if this is learned behaviour from your Ex.

You've had a pretty unanimous response on what your next step should be. It may be hard for you to make him leave your home but it really is what you need to do. I would absolutely contact the police to get their help in supporting you when you tell him to leave. And take his belongings with him so he has no need to return. Do not be alone with him as he has shown he can be violent to you.

I would also strongly suggest you get your locks changed immediately he leaves (don't just get his keys back) so he can't enter your home in your absence. Also perhaps install a Ring camera doorbell or similar so you can see whether he approaches your home.

Do not believe him if he says he'll change for the better. If he was capable, or wanted to be more respectful and loving towards you he'd not be treating you like this.

Sending you strength and best wishes for a better and safer future. 🌹

Epidote · 07/07/2023 16:15

Tell him to leave.
It is your house not his. He can live with his father if he wants.
Stay strong

TheCheeseTray · 07/07/2023 16:18

Hotterthanhades · 07/07/2023 15:10

Ok - so he’s an adult.

This makes it simpler. This is abuse. Call the police and report the incident. The police can put your number on alert so if you call from this address, they’ll make sure officers get there quickly. Speak to Women’s Aid ( it’s not just partners who carry out domestic abuse.)

you need to set firm boundaries- most importantly for yourself , but this may also make him see how this behaviour is unacceptable. He thinks it’s ok because he has seen his dad do it.

My brother is like this. It took me threatening to call the police before he stopped terrorising my mother.

Show quote history

This - black sack up his stuff. Call the police. Change all the locks.

tell him until he shows you respect and opens the emotional door to apologise you time to heal from his abuse

Soopermum1 · 07/07/2023 16:47

I had this with DS (19) I called the police and he had to go to live with his dad (who he learned this behaviour from.) No contact for 7 months now. I miss him, but the house is more peaceful. I want him to become a good man, who respects women, so putting up with his behaviour was not going to help him do that. I've refused to have him back unless he's had therapy. For the moment he seems content sleeping on the sofa miles and miles away from college, his friends etc.

Daleksatemyshed · 07/07/2023 18:17

Children watch and learn and he's taken on his Dad's abusive ways. I know it's hard when he's your DS but if he stays it will be just like living with his Dad. Be strong Op and make him leave or you'll never have the peaceful home you deserve

Pinkbonbon · 07/07/2023 18:21

Escaping one abuser only to be stuck with another :/

He has to leave op. Perminantly.
Get him out and change the locks.

Terminate the relationship completely if you can.
I'm sorry, but he's a monster just like his dad.
And there's only one thing you can do when it comes to monsters: run.

Motnight · 07/07/2023 19:01

What did posters in the previous thread say, Op? What are you looking for in this thread?

Original poster
morethanspice · 08/07/2023 08:28

Motnight the last thread ended with me being told it was a product of his upbringing and that I had to give some leeway. This occasion is much worse though. He has no respect for me and that unfortunately is the toxic effect of his father’s influence
my daughters say he has to leave too

OP posts: