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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Adult son, intimidation and verbal abuse

61 replies

morethanspice · 07/07/2023 14:51

I’ve posted previously about my son, and sad to say the behaviour has escaped. Yesterday he got very angry when I told him he was not allowed to take my elderly frail dog to visit his father (my abusive ex) He started shouting and telling me I was mental and belonged in an institution and accused me off smirking when I tried to say his behaviour wasn’t acceptable. He then forced me out of the kitchen and slammed the door ordered me to leave
please don’t say talk when he’s calm. It’s impossible as he has zero respect for me. Learned from his father, he’s even got the same intimidating mannerisms
I don’t know how to proceed. It’s my home. He insisted on coming when we had to leave our family home

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 08/07/2023 08:34

No way would I tolerate that in my home when the child is an adult. Time for him to stand on his own 2 feet

billy1966 · 08/07/2023 08:41

OP,

You are in another abusive relationship.

Contact the police and get him physically removed.

He is an adult.

You do not owe him a home.

Stop tolerating this.

I have a son this age, this is not normal nor acceptable.

He needs removing from your home.

Stop tolerating this.

Contact the police.

He assaulted you and you left your home for your safety.

EarthSight · 08/07/2023 10:37

@Newestname002 if this is learned behaviour from your Ex

People don't just learn behaviour, they inherit personality traits. It's perfectly possible that even if he had been adopted, he still would have turned out to be like his father. There is only so much indluece we can exert over people's innate characteristics.

Mojoj · 08/07/2023 10:53

I am so sorry you are going through this but think of it this way, you would be doing him a favour by reporting him to the Police for abuse. He needs to learn what is acceptable and what's not. It will be really difficult but ultimately he needs to understand that violence and intimidation have serious consequences. Good luck.

Madamecastafiore · 08/07/2023 11:05

Ring the police every single time. It'll only get worse until you're afraid of your own shadow.

SeulementUneFois · 08/07/2023 11:39

Ring the police and get him removed.
Insist with the police don't let them fob you off.

Oversharingnamechanged · 08/07/2023 11:52

I have an older DS and can't imagine how awful it would feel to do this, but ring the police.
You're being abused by the very human you've raised.

The phrase about how men treat their mothers? Well he's probably going to be an abusive partner.
For his sake, yours and any future OH he may find, show him now this behaviour is unacceptable.

Please.

itsgettingweird · 08/07/2023 11:59

He has to go.

Not only to protect you but you have daughters to protect too.

If he wants to act like his father he can live with his father.

I would still try and support him. He needs help. But you don't deserve to be abused why he seeks if - if indeed he will

Honeychickpea · 08/07/2023 12:09

Hotterthanhades · 07/07/2023 14:54

How old is he?

are you currently locked out of your own home?

I’d call the police if he refuses to let you in. I know this may sound dramatic but this is domestic abuse and it needs to be nipped in the bud. Like you say, he’s learned it from his father. He need to learn from you that’s it’s unacceptable.

100% agree
The tolerance on Mumsnet for offspring on parent abuse never ceases to amaze me.

SeulementUneFois · 08/07/2023 12:30

"
The tolerance on Mumsnet for offspring on parent abuse never ceases to amaze me."

@Honeychickpea - yes! It's disturbing. Actually disgusting. As if parents deserve any abuse from their offspring "because they didn't choose to be born"!!

What next??? Reductio ad absurdum - Putin didn't choose to be born, nor Stalin, Hitler etc etc

backinthestoneage · 08/07/2023 13:04

Dreadful! You should not be scared in your own home. He is an adult now and has no right to stay in your home.

He can go to his father if he wants to live with a parent.

Change the locks and don't let him back in.

billy1966 · 08/07/2023 13:45

Your poor daughter has been through enough.

Her father and now her brother.

Do you want a similar future for her as you have undured?

All the men around her bullying thugs?

I have two sons, 20 and 23.

I love them both so much, but a hint of aggression towards me and they wouldn't know what hit them as the door slammed behind them.

Absolutely zero tolerance for it.

You need to buck up and start protecting your daughter from the thugs in her family.

Ring the police and report him for assault.

Survivor1989 · 24/11/2023 19:28

This is extremely difficult and emotional for you because it's your son but his behavior is unacceptable and yes it is domestic abuse. I don't know how old he was when your ex husband started to abuse you but it's learned behavior because if he seen his dad abusive to you he thinks it's ok to treat women this way.
Yes you can ring the police on him but you have to make sure you have a safety plan ready because it will escalate and he could get more violent especially if you don't want to take him to court.
You have to put yourself first, unless he gets help for his anger and also what a healthy relationship looks like.
Have you any organizations in your area that support people going through domestic abuse?
There's the national helpline, also Maggie Oliver Foundation online gives support and advice but please think very hard about the police, make sure you are going to be safe, you could get a non molestation order against him then he would have to move out.
If you need help getting one please reach out and I can send you information about it and help you fill in the forms. Xx

Pumpkinpie1 · 24/11/2023 20:19

OP you have the right to feel safe in your own home
Your daughter has the right to feel safe at home
Your son is an abusive bully
He won’t change

You have a choice. To remain a victim and show your daughter no man brother father or partner can treat a woman with respect
Or break this cycle of abuse

You have had good advice it’s up to you if you want to break the chain of abuse or enable your son to abuse every woman he meets

SadSmurf22 · 02/01/2024 00:55

My 26 year old son doesn’t live with me as he isn’t allowed due to violence when he was 18. However he constantly harassed me for money along with his siblings. He is/has regularly threatened to be violent and kill me, my husband and his siblings. I reported his harassment in October and was told one more time and we will arrest him. It’s been “one more time” again and again and I’m at my wits end. I can’t sleep and I’m terrified! It’s all because we won’t lend him money, I used to but stopped due to him lying and never paying back. He smokes weed, doesn’t have a job atm. Can’t seem to keep a job whatever his location. I honestly don’t know what to do…

Popcorn23 · 02/01/2024 02:03

Agree with others. Call the police. There seems to be no other incentive for him to change and you don't need this in your life in the years to come.

auntyElle · 03/01/2024 02:06

SadSmurf22 · 02/01/2024 00:55

My 26 year old son doesn’t live with me as he isn’t allowed due to violence when he was 18. However he constantly harassed me for money along with his siblings. He is/has regularly threatened to be violent and kill me, my husband and his siblings. I reported his harassment in October and was told one more time and we will arrest him. It’s been “one more time” again and again and I’m at my wits end. I can’t sleep and I’m terrified! It’s all because we won’t lend him money, I used to but stopped due to him lying and never paying back. He smokes weed, doesn’t have a job atm. Can’t seem to keep a job whatever his location. I honestly don’t know what to do…

He's 26 and a danger. I imagine you already know that you have to call the police again, but its a hard step to take? There is no other option.

Best to copy your post and start your own thread if you want more replies, @SadSmurf22.

Chichimcgee · 03/01/2024 02:12

He’s an adult. Wave goodbye and change the locks. Life is too short to be treated like this by anyone.

Dynamis · 08/01/2024 21:29

I am dealing with a 46 year old verbally abusive son in the States. He is married and has his own apartment. I am retired and having health issues, such as depression and back pain. My son calls, and we get in arguments. He blames me for being depressed saying things like "you're always depressed."

Yesterday evening he called and suddenly he's joined the Covid is a government conspiracy group. The deaths were faked. As an elder with underlying conditions I was very angry about people saying the old are going to die anyway, etc. He kept saying "I didn't know anyone that died." I told him that's because he's relatively young. He started yelling and screaming at me, as he always does. I had to look at both sides. I told him I didn't want to discuss it further. He yelled and screamed some more, and I hung up on him.

He tried to call this morning. I texted him that I could not talk on the phone today because of health issues and blocked him. I'm going through a depressive episode and cannot deal with him at present. Any thoughts appreciated.

auntyElle · 08/01/2024 22:22

Dynamis · 08/01/2024 21:29

I am dealing with a 46 year old verbally abusive son in the States. He is married and has his own apartment. I am retired and having health issues, such as depression and back pain. My son calls, and we get in arguments. He blames me for being depressed saying things like "you're always depressed."

Yesterday evening he called and suddenly he's joined the Covid is a government conspiracy group. The deaths were faked. As an elder with underlying conditions I was very angry about people saying the old are going to die anyway, etc. He kept saying "I didn't know anyone that died." I told him that's because he's relatively young. He started yelling and screaming at me, as he always does. I had to look at both sides. I told him I didn't want to discuss it further. He yelled and screamed some more, and I hung up on him.

He tried to call this morning. I texted him that I could not talk on the phone today because of health issues and blocked him. I'm going through a depressive episode and cannot deal with him at present. Any thoughts appreciated.

I imagine it would still feel hard, but don't take his calls for the foreseeable future. Would that feel like a relief?

Do you have any other family or friends who are supportive?

You also might like to copy your post and start your own thread if you want a discussion of your particular situation.

FuzzyCake · 08/02/2024 18:39

I have today stopped all contact with my abusive son. We adopted him after he had suffered a particularly abusive 7 yr start to life. I guess he has always hit out at me but I knew he had had such a tough time I put up with it and tried to show him alternative ways of dealing with his pain and anger. He is now an adult and lives alone. But his early childhood has left him with severe mental health conditions ( he has been sectioned in the past) and he is unable to work. He is lovely to everyone but horrendously verbally and emotionally abusive towards me. That hurts even more. He threatens to visit us but when he was last here he was arrested and cautioned so I think the police would be supportive of us if he turned up. We moved away from him to have some peace. It hurts so badly.

FuzzyCake · 08/02/2024 18:46

FuzzyCake · Today 18:39

I have today stopped all contact with my abusive son. We adopted him after he had suffered a particularly abusive 7 yr start to life. I guess he has always hit out at me but I knew he had had such a tough time I put up with it and tried to show him alternative ways of dealing with his pain and anger. He is now an adult and lives alone. But his early childhood has left him with severe mental health conditions ( he has been sectioned in the past) and he is unable to work. He is lovely to everyone but horrendously verbally and emotionally abusive towards me. That hurts even more. He threatens to visit us but when he was last here he was arrested and cautioned so I think the police would be supportive of us if he turned up. We moved away from him to have some peace. It hurts so badly.

auntyElle · 09/02/2024 00:57

FuzzyCake · 08/02/2024 18:39

I have today stopped all contact with my abusive son. We adopted him after he had suffered a particularly abusive 7 yr start to life. I guess he has always hit out at me but I knew he had had such a tough time I put up with it and tried to show him alternative ways of dealing with his pain and anger. He is now an adult and lives alone. But his early childhood has left him with severe mental health conditions ( he has been sectioned in the past) and he is unable to work. He is lovely to everyone but horrendously verbally and emotionally abusive towards me. That hurts even more. He threatens to visit us but when he was last here he was arrested and cautioned so I think the police would be supportive of us if he turned up. We moved away from him to have some peace. It hurts so badly.

That sounds incredibly hard and painful, @FuzzyCake. I'm sorry your efforts have ended like this. You gave him a chance and that is a huge thing. Flowers

Damnedidont · 09/02/2024 01:02

When you tell him to leave make sure you have another adult with you. One who could make a recording if things get ugly or call the police.

rainbowsparkle28 · 09/02/2024 03:16

Call the police. Sounds harsh but am sure if it was anyone else you would and he is an adult who has to take responsibility for his own actions and cannot terrorise others in their own home, everyone deserves to feel safe.