To think my fiancé is just a nasty twat?

[HotMessMama97]

Hi all,

I don't know if its me being overly sensitive that's making me feel this way, but the last few weeks I just cannot stick my fiancé. He's done shitty things before, such as telling his Ex he still loved her when I was 6 weeks pregnant. (He said this was a big mistake, cut all contact with said ex, so I forgave it). We have a 15mo dd, a brilliant little girl. He's always huffing, whether it's me asking him to get DD her lunch, asking him to take the bins out. To preface, I do all other household chores, and he works from home, 5 days a week.

Last night he was popping to Tesco, and said he was getting a shower as soon as he was back. I reminded him that I'd asked earlier if I could get a shower - (PMS at the moment and my main symptoms are nausea and headaches so Id been looking forward to a bit of me time😩). He then proceeds to tell me that it was HIM that said this. I just reply "Fine then", and he starts shouting and swearing, telling me to get to fuck and that I've pissed him off by having a "pout on my face". This was all in front of dd. And he speaks to me like this more often than not too - and I'm always the one who ends up apologising, because when I get upset he says I make everything about myself.

Has also ridiculed me in the past for not having a job (I'm a SAHM), which is what we both wanted before dd was born, so I constantly have no money in my bank to even go a day out with dd, whilst he does driving lessons and casually goes to the chippy to get himself food.

Sorry for the long post, I'm just feeling emotional, crampy and needed to get that off my chest

OP whatever makes you think you won't meet anyone else. Of course you will if you want to. Honestly there are loads of mice kind men out there. My DS is in a relationship with a lovely lady who used to be in an abusive relationship. She is so grateful when he rubs her feet if they ache or he holds a door open or buys her lunch. He has told her he is not doing anything special just normal things a good bf would do. Sometimes she cries because she now realises she spent far too many years putting up with being shouted at and swore at and wishes she had left him and got her life back years ago. Don't make the mistake she made of putting up with it for years.

Start looking for work, if you can. If you can’t then get things in order so that when DD is two you can utilise the free hours she will get.

This man is trash. You and DD deserve so much more, you don’t have to stay with him and put up with this arseholes disgusting behaviour.

If you can afford it (check what you’d be entitled to online) then I’d be thinking about leaving / clicking him out this weekend.

Bollocks to him OP

Get free advice from wherever you can about making it work for you and your DD without him.

No need to ask. He is indeed a twat.
Bin him if you can. Don't let him treat you this way is undermining your confidence and treating you poorly. The more you stay with him the worse your self-esteem is going to be.

He’s a knob and you know that
What isn’t clear is why you’re with a man who told his ex he loved her, get some self respect op

You don't have to get a job before dumping him.

Yes, a job will be good for you - but a period of time living independently of this nasty piece of work, in receipt of UC and maintenance (put in your CMS claim immediately as well - opt for the collections service from the outset) - will be a far, far better life than you have right now. For a start, you'd be in control of your own money.

My 1st H was like this- we got married very young and I had 2 children by the time I was 23. Problem was he expected to carry on exactly the same, evenings at pub with mates, going to chippy and just getting himself something, same with off license etc, Saturdays out at football matches- we split when I was28. He wasn't a horrible guy, just very thoughtless and 100% put himself first. He was totally different 6 years later in his second marriage. I would have a talk and say your piece and if he doesn't change then make plans OP -

Don't marry him or fall in to the trap of having a sibling for your Daughter. At this point forget about "getting another man " and work on raising your confidence

You can find so many support groups online. Make a plan of action for you and your daughter to leave him... you both deserve SO much more than this lowlife.

Don't listen to any promises he makes either, he can't change who he is...a selfish obnoxious that.

Oh dear lord what do you see in this man? Ditch him and spend some time working on some solid boundaries before trying again. A MINIMUM you should expect is for your boyfriend to treat you kindly and with respect. Calling you names and yelling at you should be a dealbreaker the very first time it happens. Stop being a doormat!

Ok one step at a time

contact woman’s aid pronto and go into a refuge with your lass tell them everything.

they will sort out benefits for you and once settled look for work and childcare for your daughter.

do the freedom programme too when you have money to do so.

stay single and get to know you first.

the relief you’ll feel once away will be immense.

plus no not tell him he’s abusive as he knows he is and doesn’t care
another do not tell him your leaving him as that’s the most dangerous time for you as he might become violent.

See I've told him that the way he speaks to me is abuse and he should not be doing it especially in front of DD, and then he'll change for two days and go back to the way he is.

No decent man being would need to be told that in the first place. Please get yourself and your dd away from this vile excuse for a man.

So what if you never found anyone else. At least you would be raising your daughter in a calm home with a strong mother as a role model. You would be teaching her that she is worthy of respect and that she is capable of taking care of herself.

Get part time job and start saving for when you can leave. Think of a plan while you are saving. Subscribe to online courses

I'm sorry OP but this is no way to live - walking on eggshells and putting up with his gaslighting and abuse.
Please find a way to leave, not just for yourself but for your little girl, it's so important for her to not grow up in this environment, or she will normalise it and think it's ok. You would never want someone to treat her this way, you can show her how being independent and free is more important than being in a bad relationship.

I know it's not easy to leave, especially if you have no money, but can you start to plan, save a bit and look up what benefits you would be entitled to?
This is exactly what the social welfare system is for - to help people like you start a new life.

I’d look at what you are entitled to as a single mother. I suspect there is more support than you think.
Then I’d look fur a job and send him packing.

He is a bully.
His agreement that you being a SAHM is good only served to make you dependent on him, which makes things worse. And he KNOWS you are stuck financially atm. (Hence why he is also using it as a stick to beat you up with).

Atm, are you renting, have bough your own Home? How much assets is there to split if any?

It always makes me so angry when women say they are reluctant to leave a shit partner as they are worried they will not meet anyone else.

Why are we taught that we need to be in a relationship at all costs? That even a shit one is better than none. It's madness.

Make an amazing life for yourself and your DD. If a potential partner turns up in the future you can decide whether he will add something to your already great life.

From what you said he isn’t just a twat- he’s abusive. From someone dealing with something similar (except 30 years in and married) get out now. You don’t have to deal with an actual divorce and you’ve got so much time ahead to meet someone who is calm and kind and loves you the right way. Good luck.

Ok so that’s abuse and he’s gaslighting you. You absolutely have to end this, for you and your child. Women’s Aid are excellent, do contact them for help.

Please call Womens aid and ask for a refuge.

Your poor daughter being emotionally abused and watching her mother being abused.

That poor little mite.

You both deserve better.

Make the call.

Everyone telling you to get a job so you can leave - that isn’t necessary. It’s ideal, but don’t let it be a barrier. It sounds like he’s financially abusing you too, leaving you scratching round for cash while he spends freely. You will probably feel better off if you claim benefits for the short term- UC, housing and CMS, with a view to working part time in the future.
MN loves to tell women they need to work FT but for a lot of lone parents it actually works out well to do PT topped up with UC while the children are very small.
If you managed to get some work you’d receive help with the cost of childcare too.

You don’t have to live like this. There is support out there.

Read the book ‘Love yourself like your life depends on it’. Do every exercise and then do it with your daughter. It will give you a starting point with your self esteem and loving yourself. Too many people/books say ‘love yourself’ this book tells you what to do - very clear instructions that you can do each day. It worked for me when I felt terrible. Life changing really and very simple.

Sorry meant to say Try the library for a copy and then write the main points down.

If you work on your self esteem you can hopefully feel happy about leaving him.

You’ll never change him - but you can change you and you and your daughters life will be so much better for it.

Why are you still with this nasty pathetic man. Get a jump b, put DD in nursery and leave him.

OP however hard it is to go it alone at the moment, it will be even harder to stay with him. He is not helping much around the house, he is abusing you and then telling you it's your fault.

Have you got anywhere at all you could go and stay for a bit? A chance to reflect and offload?

If not, maybe call Refuge as they have advisors to guide you on your options.

I really hope you can muster up the courage to get out of this relationship soon - it will be better for both you and your children.

Your confidence does sound low but that's not surprising when you are living with someone who puts you down all the time.

Good luck and keep talking things through.

X

It's been a while since you posted, OP. How are you doing?