To think my fiancé is just a nasty twat?

[HotMessMama97]

Hi all,

I don't know if its me being overly sensitive that's making me feel this way, but the last few weeks I just cannot stick my fiancé. He's done shitty things before, such as telling his Ex he still loved her when I was 6 weeks pregnant. (He said this was a big mistake, cut all contact with said ex, so I forgave it). We have a 15mo dd, a brilliant little girl. He's always huffing, whether it's me asking him to get DD her lunch, asking him to take the bins out. To preface, I do all other household chores, and he works from home, 5 days a week.

Last night he was popping to Tesco, and said he was getting a shower as soon as he was back. I reminded him that I'd asked earlier if I could get a shower - (PMS at the moment and my main symptoms are nausea and headaches so Id been looking forward to a bit of me time😩). He then proceeds to tell me that it was HIM that said this. I just reply "Fine then", and he starts shouting and swearing, telling me to get to fuck and that I've pissed him off by having a "pout on my face". This was all in front of dd. And he speaks to me like this more often than not too - and I'm always the one who ends up apologising, because when I get upset he says I make everything about myself.

Has also ridiculed me in the past for not having a job (I'm a SAHM), which is what we both wanted before dd was born, so I constantly have no money in my bank to even go a day out with dd, whilst he does driving lessons and casually goes to the chippy to get himself food.

Sorry for the long post, I'm just feeling emotional, crampy and needed to get that off my chest

This

Please please get a job, you have no financial security currently whilst you are SAHM and not married. This will enable you to leave this abusive relationship

and he starts shouting and swearing, telling me to get to fuck and that I've pissed him off by having a "pout on my face". This was all in front of dd.

Please don't bring your children up in a abusive household. You need to get out.

Oh love, you and your DD would thrive away from the toxicity. Imagine building a safe, loving, cosy little home with her.
Practically, what's blocking your way from separating? Is your name on the house etc?
You need to get into a can do mindset. Build yourself up, look online for advice regarding benefits you are entitled to, listen to podcasts around self esteem and motivation.
The pp is right as shit as it is, he learned the day you forgave him that he could do to you as he pleases and still you will hang around. Time to show him otherwise.

Easy solution is to leave him. But experience tells me you will marry him and have more children. He won't change!

See I've told him that the way he speaks to me is abuse and he should not be doing it especially in front of DD, and then he'll change for two days and go back to the way he is

Unfortunately, it's not enough to tell them they're being abusive. They'll never respond with "oh, I didn't realise! I'll change and be the partner you deserve", and then you all live happily ever after.

The way things are currently is working for him. So what incentive does he have to change? It's a waste of time trying to reason with them or get them to see your point of view. He simply doesn't care because he likes the way things are and that's all that matters to him.

Things will only get worse. Please get your daughter out of this abusive, unstable environment.

Leave him, things won't get better. He sounds selfish and nasty.

I know if I left I'd never find anyone else - it may be the low self esteem talking but I'm not a pretty sight.

Also, yes, it's the low confidence talking. I'm sure he's planted this idea in your head, it's something of a staple among abusive men.

But even if it's true, it's better to be alone than with someone who literally doesn't respect you, who treats you like shit and who creates an unstable environment where you find yourself walking on eggshells, never knowing what to expect or what sort of mood he's gonna be in.

Please don't let your daughter think this is what relationships are meant to be like.

God he sounds like an absolute cunt. You, and your daughter, deserve so much better than a life with this asshole, you just need to believe that.
Work on a plan to get away from him and sooner rather than later. Were you working before you had your daughter - can you go back there, or apply for similar? As above, talk to Women's Aid.
You're mid twenties, I'm guessing from your user name. So hopefully have a good half a century plus of life to look forwards to living. Please don't waste those years with someone who isn't good for you.
And although it's not on a level with getting rid of your abusive fiancee, as someone who had acne pretty much from puberty until hitting perimenopause in the last couple of years I can absolutely relate. There are solutions for that too. Talk to your GP and see what they can suggest.
Take control of all of this. It's your life and you really deserve so much better.

Your self esteem sounds low. Getting out of this is going to take time and determination. Don't do it for you, if you can't yet see that you truly deserve much more (looks have nothing to do with the worth of a person). Do it for your dd. Keep her in mind. Would you want her to be with a man like that?
You can do it. Look at every option. What kind of job could you get. What benefits could you get if you lived alone? If it is a dire situation from this perspective, contact a women's shelter and get whatever help they can give you.
In a years time your dd could be living happily, safely, free of stress and violence, in a little home that's yours and hers. You can do this- be strong and use mumsnet for advice and support.
Don't get married. Don't get married. DON'T GET MARRIED

Please get away from this man before he destroys you. To do that, you will probably need a job.

It might seem scary. One step at a time. Women’s Aid can help.

Your DD is 15 months old so if you are still not feeling right there may be more going on than PND. Hardly surprising given what you must cope with. Perhaps your GP can also help. (In your place I would not necessarily tell my partner if I started taking medication).

Please do not even consider marrying or, worse, having another child with this nasty guy. He is harming not only you but your DD.

Just from the title I’d say leave. If you’re thinking of him like this the relationship is dead. And nothing in what you wrote made me think otherwise. And from what you say about your mother and now having chosen him I’d advise taking time away from relationships, working on yourself- freedom programme, shark cage before dating again.

Your daughter is growing up in an unsafe, abusive household and her life chances are being impaired. He's not going to change, so that leaves one adult with parental responsibility who is in a position to remove her from this shitshow.

OP,you’re in abusive relationship. You’re being abused financially and memotionally and so is your DD.

Please ditch this man and look up Freedom programme,also contact Woman’s Aid.

What’s your housing situation?

You need to leave him before you can discover your true worth. He is grinding you down and getting away with murder. Put your DD first and get away from him. You will then gradually be able to rebuild your life and your self-esteem. Having a man like that will never make you happy. Good luck, op.

You're on here off-loading to us and using that as a way to get rid of your stress so that you can carry on putting up with this dreadful man.
Don't get me wrong we want to help you but we want to help you to leave and get a better life for yourself not stay and bend yourself out of shape to please this horrible person.

I would rather be single than with the wrong man every day of the week.
Times that be a million if it's an abusive man.
You are connecting leaving him with having to find another man. What's wrong with being single and happy?
In any case, if you wanted to meet someone else (and I'd recommend being single for a good time before you even thought about it) you could...he's convinced you that no other man would want you. He's talking rubbish.

If you leave and remain single for the rest of your days it would be better than what you're living with.

And you would be doing your daughter a favour - she shouldn't have to live in an abusive household. She is much more likely to choose someone like him for a partner when she's older - I'm sure you wouldn't want that for her. She needs to witness her mum having boundaries, knowing her worth, walking away when someone treats her like crap.

Please leave him. You've forgiven him for a number of things that I couldn't have, and I think most people couldn't have. He won't get better. He will likely get worse. Please please please don't marry this monster who thinks so little of you.

He's abusive and isn't going to change so you have two choices, stay with him and allow him to continue to abuse you which is also affecting your daughter or leave.

now I understand leaving is terrifying and you are thinking you'll never meet anyone else but don't you agree being single and away from this abuse would be better anyway? It is low self esteem talking and if you leave and take the time to look after yourself and your baby and build yourself up in time if it's what you want you could meet someone else.

I know childcare costs are high at the moment but when you leave him and you've got a job you should qualify for financial support so you would manage working.

imagine living somewhere you and your baby where you no longer have to walk on eggshells and are no longer abused.

i really hope you can find the strength to leave, it's not easy but it'll be the best thing you ever do

This is what bad men do, they get you pregnant and jobless, or in other words they get you to surrender yourself completely to them (probably by love bombing you in the initial phases)
Once you are trapped and powerless they start exploiting you and grinding you down so that you are much less than them and they have total power while you're trapped looking after their child.

Please chat with Women's Aid, please. Phone or online chat, whichever is easiest and safest for you. These men never get better, no matter how many hoops you jump through for them, there will always be more set up by them. Nothing will ever be good enough.

You will almost certainly find that your own issues, including your acne, are much improved once you've shed him. Much of that sort of physical stuff magically sorts itself out when you no longer have to deal with stress of living in an abusive relationship.

Show your daughter how to deal with an abusive man. Talk to Women's Aid, make a leaving plan with them and then do it. Be the brave strong woman you are inside, that woman is screaming to get out!

Sometimes situations aren't clear cut and leaving isn't necessarily the best solution. Not here though - there is literally nothing to gain by staying, for any of you. He's not happy, you're not happy, and this is a terrible way for your daughter to grow up. Leave and don't look back! Once you're rid of him you can get a job and get back on your feet.

My love you don’t deserve this.

Some great suggestions on this thread.

perhaps another poster could advise the OP about the practicalities of leaving with no access to money?

If you leave and get yourself a part-time job, say 3 days a week, then your income will be topped up with benefits and you will get a large percentage of your childcare paid (can’t remember if it’s 70 or 80%).

Get yourself out to some agencies, ask to find work and get moving.

Don’t have any arrangement where you need him to “help” you with childcare, or anyone else, sort it for yourself. If a childminder works out cheaper than nursery then you go with that.

Contact CMA as soon as you split and ask for maintenance. You can do and you will cope without him.

If he threatens to “go for custody” or to end his life then just ignore that.

He sounds like an absolute prick. Get rid of him.

Put the wee one into childcare if you can, even one day a week, get a job, UC help and leave.

This won't get any better.