To think my fiancé is just a nasty twat?

[HotMessMama97]

Hi all,

I don't know if its me being overly sensitive that's making me feel this way, but the last few weeks I just cannot stick my fiancé. He's done shitty things before, such as telling his Ex he still loved her when I was 6 weeks pregnant. (He said this was a big mistake, cut all contact with said ex, so I forgave it). We have a 15mo dd, a brilliant little girl. He's always huffing, whether it's me asking him to get DD her lunch, asking him to take the bins out. To preface, I do all other household chores, and he works from home, 5 days a week.

Last night he was popping to Tesco, and said he was getting a shower as soon as he was back. I reminded him that I'd asked earlier if I could get a shower - (PMS at the moment and my main symptoms are nausea and headaches so Id been looking forward to a bit of me time😩). He then proceeds to tell me that it was HIM that said this. I just reply "Fine then", and he starts shouting and swearing, telling me to get to fuck and that I've pissed him off by having a "pout on my face". This was all in front of dd. And he speaks to me like this more often than not too - and I'm always the one who ends up apologising, because when I get upset he says I make everything about myself.

Has also ridiculed me in the past for not having a job (I'm a SAHM), which is what we both wanted before dd was born, so I constantly have no money in my bank to even go a day out with dd, whilst he does driving lessons and casually goes to the chippy to get himself food.

Sorry for the long post, I'm just feeling emotional, crampy and needed to get that off my chest

You need to get a job and leave him. It is statistically likely that you will find someone else eventually but I think you need time to get over this first. You will be happier away from him.

He doesn't love you.

Sounds like your life would be better, financially and otherwise without him in it OP. I'd rather claim UC and child support and do it myself than be emotionally and financially abused.

In the meantime, while you're still waking up. Make sure your contraception is watertight. When they sense their grip on you is slipping away, they knock you up again.

Is being single and having a job such a punishment that putting up with being financially and emotionally abused, all in front of your little girl, is preferable? Sorry you’re in this situation but only one person can get you out of it.

So what if you don't find anyone else. Your priority should be your daughter since she's the one person in this mess who has no agency.

You'll fail your daughter if you stay and bring her up in a household where she's taught that your relationship with your fiance is a normal one, so when she goes out into the world and is treated like shit, she'll think that's fine because it's how her mother lived.

Get a job.

Get some savings.

Get a pension.

Get away from your utter dependence on a vile man.

Get real over the fact that you are allowing this man who previously treated you appallingly to go on doing just that.

Get a sense of what this is doing to your DC watching mum being abused by a man and allowing it to continue.

Get those ducks in a row.

@HotMessMama97

right. Now STOP IT!!

of course you'd find someone else! He has you believing you're a hot mess, it's not a universal truth!

But, you know what? Being single is a fuck load better than living like this!

you and DD a tight little team, you'd be entitled to benefits to help you get by until she gets her free hours and you can work part time etc. no, it's not a picnic, but neither is living like this & you'd have control!!

it's way WORSE living with a selfish lazy prick than living alone, you set your home & your life up to make things easier.

HE has got you so down & your self esteem squashed into the ground, you're so down you can't see how much better you would feel & be if you were on your own with DD.

you poor thing, you had a shit start in life & now this twat.

BUT you CAN turn this around. You CAN give your DD a MUCH better life by ditching this loser & making your lives better.

you will get help, you just need to make the move.

Shes 15 months, she starting to really absorb stuff, you can't let her grow up in this environment. Move out/kick him out -whatever, just get away, for her sake even if you can't do it for yourself!! You BOTH deserve so much more, but you are the only one who can make this happen!!

you ARE strong enough, no matter what he says!!

It's always tempting to stick with the devil you know and to hope that somehow this man will come good, but he has all the power and that's how he likes it.
He will oppose anything that you do which threatens his dominance over you, no one cedes power willingly but if you are careful and strategic you will be able to get rid of him and go on to have a better life.

This. He sounds awful. You don’t want your Dd being around such awful behaviour and thinking it’s okay to a) act like that herself or b) allow people to treat her and those around her like that.

Being alone is not worse than raising your child in an abusive toxic home

I know if I left I'd never find anyone else
There is more to life than being in a relationship.

He's pushed you down emotionally your body is showing the stress get out and you will feel better.

Scrap the wedding , pronto and forever.

Sell the ring for whatever you can get. and start planning your escape.

I know if I left I'd never find anyone else

Then you'd be an solo independent woman; and that would be the making of you. You can't lose.

Anything is better than spending the rest of you life with that sad bastard.

Is your friend with the two children single? Perhaps you could form a team with her, set up home together or close to each other and look after each other's children while the other is at work. Not great as one would probably have to work evenings or weekends but better than you have going on now. It could get you started anyway.

If you get a job, you could pay for some of the sessions at the nursery - it's like another utility bill albeit it won't be forever.

Why would you get yourself into a situation where you have no independent income?

In my mind, a SAHP who is part of a couple has a partner who financially and emotionally supports this decision and treats the SAHP as their equal. You are being starved of all of this and he clearly doesn’t view you or your role very highly. Get a job and leave him. Its sad that you think this is the best life has to offer, both for you and your DD.

You need to get your poor daughter away from him ASAP. She's being raised in an abusive home.

This, or find another single mum.

You have to be proactive and get a sense of urgency!

Get a job, earn your own money and never rely on him again. You know he treats you like shit, do you want your daughter to grow up thinking it's acceptable to let men speak and treat her that way because my mum allows it?

O my life, a shower isn’t ‘me’ time. Can’t you put your toddler in the cot, put YouTube on for them and have a shower? Why do you have to wait for your DP to come home?

Get a job, asap. Find some childcare. You need to start building your independence so if leaving is the right thing to do, you can leave.

@HotMessMama97. I am going to say this very gently as you really sound like you need some support right now. Your fiancé is abusing you. Your self esteem has taken a tumble (as is common after childbirth) and he wants to keep you in that state so that you don't challenge him.
This will not get better. If he is not nice to you now when you are at your most vulnerable then staying with him will bring you a lifetime of misery.
I know the idea of being on your own is scary right now but your future self will thank you if you can get out of this relationship.
Do you have any friends that can support you whilst you at least try and imagine a future where you are independent from him?

Why are you still with him?
What do you get out of this?
Why are you not protecting DD from witnessing this abuse?

He's not going to change.

If he's getting takeaways and you are not because you are doing the childcare and he isn't then that's quite frankly fucking terrible. Add in the rest of the stuff and it's unforgiveable. You will not be worse off on your own and the horrible atmosphere he creates could permanently damage your child - take it from someone who grew up in a horrible environment!

If his ex was so gorgeous then he would’ve stayed with her. I’m sorry you feel that way about yourself after having a baby. I was the same. I think if you got a Saturday job it would give you a bit of extra money and some time off from being mum 24/7. Also go out for a jog or do some YouTube indoor exercises. Also the clearasil pads are good for breakout spots if not get some prescription cream from your doctors. You can feel good about yourself again x

You are in an abusive relationship get rid of this nasty little man.