Is the one leaving the relationship always a bad guy?

[PaintedEgg]

This one is more of an opinion / philosophical thread

There are several threads on here from people who were left by their partners, often after over a decade long relationships. Looking at replies it seems like the person leaving is always in the wrong unless there was some considerable amount of abuse happening

If they have an affair and leave then obviously they are the asshole But is there a scenario when it's ok to call it quits?

If the leaving partner goes cold turkey and just leaves they're not offering closure. If they say they no longer love their partner and that's why they're leaving then they're the bad guy for not trying harder. If they provide any other excuse, no matter how reasonable, it's deemed to be bullshit.

So I started to wonder - is there ever a scenario when it's ok to leave a relationship we're no longer satisfied with? Does it have to be a case where one side is very toxic to justify just leaving?

I don't think this is the case at all. Provided you're honest and kind, you can leave without being the bad guy at all.

Of course not. If you look, you'll see that there are an equal amount of comments on threads where the OPs partner is not abusive but is a pain in some way, advising them to leave because their partner is an AH, not them. People generally only post when it makes the other person look bad, not them, and they inevitably receive support as a result.

See that's what I always thought, but it seems like falling out of love with someone is simply not good enough excuse even though it can and often does happen simply because people change a lot throughout their lifetime and two people who may have been a good match 20 years ago may not have a single thing in common now

It's a personal decision on where the line in the sand is drawn, some will accept far more than others.
If you fall out of love with someone they don't necessarily need to have done anything bad it just is what it is, the relationship has run its course and it's time to move on.

Of course not. Sometimes the one leaving the relationship is escaping from the bad guy.

I don't think leaving a relationship ever makes you the bad guy. Unless you ghost them. Or leave them for another person when you have young kids together maybe (assuming you were functioning like a healthy unit together, with no abuse ect... at least).

'Falling out of love with someone is not a good enough excuse'. Excuse for who? Who do you need to make an excuse to about your own feelings?

I think its sad when things end after 20 years together. But also brave of the person who decided to end it. They could have 50 years left so...why spend that in a relationship with someone you no longer feel that soecial way about. They deserve better to. Yes it's sad and they have the right to be hurt. But ultimately like you say, sometimes people just grow apart.

Emotionally healthy people recognise that sometimes doing the right thing can hurt other people. Can make them angry at you. Can cause disagreements. But that doesn't change the fact that you only get one life. And so long as you try your best to be kind and considerate of others feelings, to treat them as you would want to be treated in the current circumstances, you have every right to do what is right for you.

If they still think you're the bad guy, it's because they are still processing their hurt. And they're allowed to do that.

Along the lines of what ponkbonbon says.
However I do think that some people throw the baby out with the bathwater when they hit their middle age and think "Is this it?"
My ex H did this and yes I very much think he is the bad guy for splitting up our family, blindsiding me and the kids, and going off in search of happiness elsewhere. He now has a FWB, endless nights out with his friends and I do the bulk of the parenting as we've decided not to do 50/50 in order to give the kids more stability.

ExH did not have an affair, and has been financially decent but I will forever feel aggrieved at the way he just dumped us to be happier. FWIW even his mother and his friends in the pub were told of his intention to leave me before I was!
I have two good friends with marriage issues. They and their husbands have agonised, squabbled and are still together. Everything is far from rosy but both couples have looked at the bigger picture of what life might look like when the kids are older and they have more time. They've looked at what the alternative would be like in terms of splitting families and assets. They've concluded that there was a reason they got together in the first place and that divorce might be worse than staying together. I've said to both my friends that I'm genuinely happy they are trying to work things through
My ex H did not have the maturity to even try this. His happiness was more important than that of his wife and kids.
My view is skewed and I'm aware I have a strong tendency to project my circumstances to those of others.
Abuse is a different scenario, of course spouses/partners should leave that situation.

Why do you ask OP, have you just ended things and feel guilty for hurting them?

I think it does depend somewhat on the length and type of the relationship. But assuming you're talking about a long term relationship or marriage, I think the person leaving is the bad guy if he/she does it with no warning and no consideration. So, falling out of love is sad but not unreasonable - it happens. But, if you're married, share a life, perhaps have children, you have an obligation to try and make it work. And then, if you really can't, when you leave, you have to accept that you will be seen as the bad guy. Hopefully, you can mitigate that by not behaving like a dick (the number of posts on here where some wanker man has decided he's not in love any more and disappeared, abandoning children and responsibilities etc...)

but how do you “kindly” end a decades long relationship with someone who just won’t accept it. When both people know it’s dead then you can give it a decent burial, otherwise - it can’t be done.

I was the one who left. I just didn't think we were compatible anymore. He also had had an affair 9 years ago which I think I've never really healed from. The kids are still in the family home but we share the work and do 50 50 even though I now live with my mum (for now). I was so scared of being judged but I've had nothing but support from everyone ! Even ex partner is now fine we all get along. Aslong as my kids are happy then I'm happy. I didn't leave to find my self or any of that bull, I left because the love and communication had gone, I didn't want my kids to think this was how a relationship was. I'm far from the bad guy in anyones eyes.

Well kindly doesn't necessarily mean that have to like your decision.

I mean, the council send me a perfectly respectable council tax invoice every year. And I still would love to tell them to stick it up their arse.

But respectable motions might be to sit them down at a time where they aren't undergoing any other major stressess and have a frank and honest chat with them about how it's just not working anymore.

Its a good point about maybe trying to work any issues out together and not just split right then and there. Buy I suppose it depends on the issues. I mean if it's just that you just don't love them anymore and you're bloody miserable being there...I'm not sure anything can be done about that? Suppose they could see their gp and rule out depression or something...

But yeah imo being kind is just choosing your timing and words correctly. And trying to make the transition out as easy as possible. Doesn't mean they have to like it. Its still a horrible situation.

I think this is a really interesting question, as someone who wants to leave an unhappy marriage. I have several posts on here under different user names.

I often read threads where a woman says that her husband has told her that he doesn't love her and wants to split (no mention of abuse or adultery), and she is urged to consider alternative explanations "maybe he is depressed" etc etc. Rather than accepting what he says at face value, and acting accordingly., however painful that is.

For me to tell my husband that I no longer loved him and I wanted to split was genuinely the worst conversation of my life. Does that make me the bad person? It does in his eyes, but I cannot live the rest of my life married to him.

@ThePM

This is me. My marriage is dead as a dodo , but my husband just refuses to face reality.

I seem more and more 'evil' as I try to move towards a separation, and he is more and more wounded as I have to continually remind him that everything is not ok.

It's like groundhog day.

Some people cannot take responsibility for their side of a marriage ending. That is, IF there have been discussions up to that point and they've not made the effort to make their side of the changes since those discussions.

But in a circumstance where the end has come completely out of the blue, they're going to feel blindsighted of course. If it's just a case of love lost especially, because there's no way they can hope to fix that.

Sometimes there's just no fixing things because it's just, done. Of course it is always best to rule out other things like depression in those cases though. But tbf sometimes it could be the relationship making you depressed!

It's hard. It's sad for them. But I don't think it makes you the bad guy. Though, hard to say without knowing the circumstances of course.

@Pinkbonbon I don't think there is genuinely a lot of cases when someone goes from loving partner to up and leaving over night. Obviously this is just my observation based on people I know and some posts I've read but it seems like people often avoid facing issues in their relationship until it falls apart.

@singingholiday for what its worth my personal opinion is that people should always be free to leave if they dont feel happy in the relationship. being with someone shouldn't feel like a prison or cross we have to carry in the name of not upsetting that other person

@Fuckthatguy nah, im very much happily married, but in the past I have ended a long term relationship and it still baffles me that some people were trying to convince me to stay for no other reason than tenure

So (asking for a friend) would sending her/ him an email when you know they’re on a weeks holiday with the Other One saying don’t come home and moving their stuff into an apartment you’ve rented. Would that be the work of a baddie, or would that be OK? Because it brings the situation to a head, even though you ruin their holiday, and they get very upset?

I think it's mostly because people posting about their heartbreak are usually seeking support. It'd be a bit of a dick move to say "They did the right thing in leaving you" wouldn't it?

The reality is a lot of the time it's completely justified to leave. No one is obligated to stay in a relationship they're not happy in, and when we're only getting the wounded party's side of the story of course it'll be biased, so of course the responders are more likely to side with the person posting.

I do think that people are far too inclined to cling onto dead relationships than they should be, but that's very much my personal opinion.

Of course that would be shit. It's cowardly to do it by email. And it's extra selfish to do it whilst they are on holiday.

Only exception might be that if you knew that if you did it in person, they would become aggressive or abusive.

Unless by other one you mean other woman?

In which case surely they knew it was over anyway. And I think it's perfectly fair to tell them it's over and chuck their stuff over to a mutually rented place.

On holiday with their affair partner, and it’s selfish to spoil it? We’ll have to agree to differ on that.

Certainly by that stage, the person ending the relationship didn’t care whether the other labelled them The Baddie.

This is a very interesting question. I think the person who leaves is often seen as the bad guy. If someone adopts the attitude that they have one life and deserve to be happy this is seen as being selfish. If they say there's no love in the marriage then it's seen as being unrealistic to expect this. Even in marriages where there's a divorce and the parties are well provided for and the children are adults the person leaving is still the bad guy for not sticking it out. I think it goes back to the marriage vows, you've promised to be with someone and you've broken that promise; I am not suggesting marriages should not end but I think this has something to do with it.

Also, I think it's harder for women to re establish themselves in later life. A man in their mid 50s ending a marriage after 20 odd years can still have a relationship with women 10 years younger it's realistically harder for women if that's what they want. In all the relationship break downs I know where the parties are in their 50s in a relatively short of time the man is in a new relationship whereas women seem the emotional fallout a great deal harder...

It wasn't clear affair partner was meant.
Hense my follow up post.