Is the one leaving the relationship always a bad guy?

[PaintedEgg]

This one is more of an opinion / philosophical thread

There are several threads on here from people who were left by their partners, often after over a decade long relationships. Looking at replies it seems like the person leaving is always in the wrong unless there was some considerable amount of abuse happening

If they have an affair and leave then obviously they are the asshole But is there a scenario when it's ok to call it quits?

If the leaving partner goes cold turkey and just leaves they're not offering closure. If they say they no longer love their partner and that's why they're leaving then they're the bad guy for not trying harder. If they provide any other excuse, no matter how reasonable, it's deemed to be bullshit.

So I started to wonder - is there ever a scenario when it's ok to leave a relationship we're no longer satisfied with? Does it have to be a case where one side is very toxic to justify just leaving?

Really interesting thread (esp as someone considering ending a marriage).

@Anonymous32 do you mind me asking how it works you living with your Mum and doing 50/50 parenting? Just curious as we have discussed various ‘nesting’ schemes etc.

Fwiw I don’t think ‘bad guy’ is the right language as most of the time relationships are a dynamic and it takes two to make them both succeed and fail. But unquestionably some people are more likely to blame their partner for their own unhappiness in ways that are unfair, and obviously some people behave v badly at the end of a relationship (as any glimpse at the relationships board makes clear).

Same with my ex husband @Endoftheroad12345 , he seemed shocked that I finally had the audacity to get out despite being avoided and ignored by him for twenty odd years. He was effectively a single man with a wife and child at home.

What was interesting was how quickly others around me (my family and friendship group) turned me into the 'bad' guy. I think it brought up their own insecurities about their marriages.

Ten years later he's estranged from our daughter and going through his second divorce which validates my reasons to divorce him.

As for the bad guy label, meh! who cares what other people think. People don't generally leave a marriage without good reason.

It's still early days but I come to the house most mornings to do the school runs, then he works half the week 12 hour shifts so I have them here half the week. Ones 14 ones 10 so there not young kids, I'm in the process of making room at my mums so they can stay there with me whenever they like, at the moment we didn't want to uproot them and cause chaos. They've both coped pretty well though and me and ex partner get on for now. I know this cant carry on long term, but for now it works. X

I don't think it's a case of being the 'bad guy', it's just the case that leaving someone who really wants to be in the relationship causes huge amounts of pain.

And there's no escaping from that. To make the leaver happy or happier, it causes someone else extreme pain.

It doesn't mean the leaver is bad, it just means it's extremely unreasonable to expect the hurt person to not experience incredible hurt.

My exH left me. Painful for a few months. But I decided that he must have had his reasons. Even suspected OW (he now lives with her so pretty sure my instincts were right!). But there’s enough hatred in the world as it is and I couldn’t hate him after 20 years of marriage and longer as friends. Don’t wish to take bad feeling, bitterness or anger to my grave. A few years on, I think he was right to end the relationship. Things are very amicable with us. I’m very happy in a new relationship now and most importantly, our children are happy.

I don’t think my husband is wrong to feel incredible hurt that I want to leave him.

I do think he is in denial about the poor state of our marriage, as he was happy, always putting himself first and me enabling that.

He doesn’t think my reasons for wanting to leave are good enough, therefore his conclusion is that I am a bad person who actively wants to hurt him.

I really really don’t want to, I wish there was some magic wand to end it without him being upset , but there isn’t.

Basically it’s his happiness or mine, and after years of his happiness coming first, I am now prioritising myself (and in the end he’ll be happier too, as despite his denial we are MISERABLE)

@KittySmith1986 well done, I admire your approach to what must have been a very difficult time in your life. It’s what I hope for, but fear my husband’s character will not allow us to remain amicable . I will forever be a selfish bitch.

@KittySmith1986 i also admire you - this is an inspiring story and I’m glad you’re all happier now!

@BallantyneValentine I think the problem is that some exs will always think you're a dick. When I left my ex I tried to make it as easy as possible, but nope...he couldn't do it. Turned into right stalker and even started lecturing me that I should stop being negative. Then tried the pity party and only then he learned the true meaning of someone being an asshole to him.

Similarly to what few other posters have said - his denial of any of his faults made him believe i was a bad guy, then he saw a bad guy and thankfully i have not heard from him in years

I think all this talking about it really depends on the underlying reasons- it's very hard to say to someone I don't fancy you anymore and don't want sex ever again as an example and then talk about it- once you've said it- it's out there - it's not the same as chatting about lack of housework or drinking etc

Ah your situation sounds very similar to mine. My ex was convinced that it wasn’t that bad, that we didn’t need to split, that things were apparently a lot better than they used to be (they were not, far more arguments and I was absolutely refusing to even consider sex with him by the end). Kept saying ‘what was the point of the last few years if we just split now’. He doesn’t hate me as far as I know, he still thinks he’s in love with me. I think he’s got a deluded idea of what being in love is, I think it’s more that I was his ‘anchor’ if that makes sense, certainly sees me as some permanent object rather than a whole person. But I absolutely had to put my happiness first, if I’d stayed with him the rotten person I felt myself becoming would have had a full breakdown.

@Gerrataere

oh yes, your experience seems very similar to mine, including the bit about “he’s got a deluded idea of what being in love is, I think it’s more that I was his ‘anchor’ if that makes sense, certainly sees me as some permanent object rather than a whole person.”

Can I ask how things worked out for you?