Would you make an effort to take children over to grandparents if they don’t like you?

[Ifyousayso1]

It’s pretty obvious my in laws don’t like me. Should I be making an effort to take the children to see them? They don’t come over to our house. I’m not really happy with them going as they make comments about me all the time. I suffer with M.E, it’s bad but I push and I can still do a lot just in exhaustion. They say I’m lazy, it gets me down as I wish so much I didn’t have this illness, there is so much more I want to do. They don’t offer any help at all. Even though we have a 7 month old who has never slept more then 2 hours at night. I get about 2-3 hrs sleep a night.

No. Don't worry about them. Focus on your children and you!!

I should have said, it’s a HUGE problem that your dh doesn’t see this. What does he think when he gets offered a drink and you don’t? That’s his job right there to say let’s get x comfortable first she’s very tired, what would you like?
mum people don’t split jobs like that anymore, I’m happy to change my baby’s nappy.

You need to have a serious talk with your DH about this, never mind letting it go over his head, then let him facilitate the relationship with the children. Life is too short to spend time with people who upset you so just see them when absolutely necessary. BTW, do you challenge them when they are making these negative comments?

Disgusted that dh doesn't see this or support you

If he wants dc to to see his parents he can take them

They sound like they live in a cave

Pink jobs ffs

"pink jobs and blue jobs"????
I wouldn't be taking my children to spend any more time with these relics from the 1950s than absolutely necessary, especially as they get older as I wouldn't want them exposed to attitudes that that.
What does your dh do when they say things like that around the kids, do you think he actually agrees?

If they’re rude just collect the dc up and leave, every time.
Or don’t go at all your choice.

Nah, fuck that for a game of soldiers.....

You have a massive DP problem. He absolutely does see this. It’s not possible to not see it when someone you actually care about is treated poorly. This is him, right there, telling you that he does not care about you. Does he also think that ME sufferers are “lazy”?
He has likely also been brought up to think that housework/ babies etc is “women’s work” even if he is canny enough not to say it out loud.
Suggest you step right back from visiting his parents now. In fact use the time your partner takes his children to his parents to get some rest. You definitely need it.
Good luck.

I don’t know. He struggles to understand a lot of social cues, I think (although no one has told me) that he is on the spectrum. I don’t make a big thing about it as I don’t want to upset him.

He will help with anything other then a poo nappy as it’s makes him sick. He was twice in the early days 😂. I don’t think he sees me like they think, there are no pink and blue jobs. In my healthy days I renovated my own home on my own so I’m pretty hands on. He also lived alone so was fine cooking and cleaning. I think it’s more maybe they don’t want him helping me.

One child isn’t there’s but known for years. They don’t really bother with her and I don’t think it’s very nice. Eg they buy in the drink their other 2 grandchildren like but not my eldest. I know she isn’t blood relative but she is part of the family. They take them out but don’t include my eldest. We are outsiders. I hate going over and haven’t in a couple of months now. Biting my tongue was getting hard.

Leave your tongue alone. They’re horrible critical twats. Don’t see them again.

No way. They sound awful.

A hard no! They sound horrible. I would go very low contact and your D H can see them on his own if he wishes.You really don't want your children to see you being treated so disrespectfully. Regardless of your DH missing social cues you do need to have a talk with him about their rude and judgemental behaviour, especially the obvious sidelining if your eldest, thats nasty. Your DH needs to understand how you feel or at least be aware of the situation.

I wouldn't, baby is 7 months old and will never remember this time, just focus on you and baby. It's hard parenting with ME, maybe focus on getting lo to sleep abit more , make you feel abit better. Hope you get some rest soon Xxx

Last weekend his mum msged him to ask if he wanted a break and she would have baby overnight. He said I’m at work currently text “Hannah” to speak to her…..she didn’t. I only knew as when he got home he asked if his mum got in contact. As if helping me out would be such a bad thing! She texts him constantly telling him what to do and not to yet they think I’m controlling him. Which I don’t as he is a grown man.

I won’t even go into what she said to me after I miscarried before our baby now. I think that was the point of no return for me.

OP, l'm pretty sure you've posted about this before? If so l think the advice was the same. Do not engage with them or make any effort whatsoever, leave that to your husband. I wouldn't be letting my baby stay overnight with them either!

Nope, partner can take them over if he wants to... Perhaps Sunday morning so you can have a lovely lie in and a relaxing breakfast.

My paternal grandmother didn’t like my mother (she didn’t want her son to marry at all) and therefore didn’t like us three girls. Dad persisted in taking us to visit her when we were little but we soon asserted our rights and refused to go or made excuses. Even at 5 I was aware that she didn’t like me and made rude remarks about me in front of the whole family. My cousins remember her as a warm and loving grandmother. Late in life, she admitted to my dad that she was sorry as she realised what she had missed but it was too late.

I’d let your DH take the baby over and it that means it rarely happens then that’s on them/him. There is no way I’d let my DC grow up seeing people treat me like that

I struggle with my fatigue and the last thing I need to hear is that I’m lazy. I don’t want them telling my children I’m lazy. I push as it is because most people don’t understand invisible illnesses, on the outside I look fine!

I'd tell them I'm too lazy and they can move their own butts if they care at all :)

Ignore them and don't make effort for them - it will never be appreciated and why would you make yourself more exhausted for people who clearly dislike you and wont miss an opportunity to upset you?

You do not need to be in contact with them.
Start having conversations with your DP as to how they treat the kids and what they say around them.
IMHO if you cannot respect the parent of my child, you do not get access to the child. If you play favourites with the children, you do not get access to the children. This is for the children's own good, they don't need to be exposed to that nasty toxicity.

Stop making the effort now. Tbh if they genuinely don't like you then the DC will pick up on this too, it's not good for you or them. Let you partner deal with their parents and gradually just don't enforce any bond.

Leave it to your husband. If he’s not fussed, don’t pick up the slack. MIL sounds very difficult.

Its like it follows me around. I’m so tired of having to have people negative in my life. They still take up space even if I ignore them. Wouldn’t it be nice to have nice in-laws.