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Relationships

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Original poster

Would you make an effort to take children over to grandparents if they don’t like you?

75 replies

Ifyousayso1 · 05/07/2023 20:33

It’s pretty obvious my in laws don’t like me. Should I be making an effort to take the children to see them? They don’t come over to our house. I’m not really happy with them going as they make comments about me all the time. I suffer with M.E, it’s bad but I push and I can still do a lot just in exhaustion. They say I’m lazy, it gets me down as I wish so much I didn’t have this illness, there is so much more I want to do. They don’t offer any help at all. Even though we have a 7 month old who has never slept more then 2 hours at night. I get about 2-3 hrs sleep a night.

OP posts:

Epidote · 05/07/2023 20:42

I wouldn't. I would focus on my daily stuff and family. If they want to see them they can either come to your house or ask their son to visit them with the kids. I would use that time to relax or sleep a bit.

It is not worthy to try to please someone that doesn't like you for no reason.

Maddy70 · 05/07/2023 20:48

I would as they are their grandparents. Do it for the children. Not you

DiscoDeborah · 05/07/2023 20:50

If their dad wants them to have a relationship, he can take them. I don't see why you should make a big effort with people who don't with you.

Go now and again to keep the peace, big events etc and do your own thing the rest of the time.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/07/2023 20:50

What does your man think of his parents behaviour?.

I would not make an effort here re these people as it is not reciprocated. Also your children will detect that their Nan and grandad do not like you.

MonkeyPuddle · 05/07/2023 20:52

No, fuck doing it for the kids. I don’t want my kids around people who are actively mean to me for the sake of shared blood. Screw that.

LobsterCrab · 05/07/2023 20:52

It's DH's job to facilitate the relationship with his parents. You can go along and be civil and not come between them, but it's up to him to plan the visits and take the lead role I. Making them happen.

Nickknackpattywhack · 05/07/2023 20:52

No. That's it.

CapEBarra · 05/07/2023 20:56

It’s their father’s job to facilitate that relationship and in your situation I’d bat it over to him every single time.

’I’ll pass you over to Bob’
’I’ll forward this to Bob for you - but to be sure give him a call and you can arrange this with him’
silence

Blondey2023 · 05/07/2023 20:57

Nah sod them.

Sunnydaysarentagiveneveninjuly · 05/07/2023 20:57

Why should you encourage your dc to see people who actively dislike their dm?
No bloody way.

CheswickMarritron · 05/07/2023 20:58

Maddy70 · 05/07/2023 20:48

I would as they are their grandparents. Do it for the children. Not you

I went very low contact with a parent after my child said why does X not like you? This was due to them witnessing mean comments to me. Is that what you think a child should be exposed to? Imagine the poison they can whisper in that child's ear when they think their Mother is lazy when she has ME.

OP no, don't make an effort. These people don't like you, why would you want to waste your precious energy on going over there to see them? Don't do it. You are already in their bad books so why does it matter what they think of you from now on? Dh would and has backed me on this when we had a falling out with his parents. He told them no one talks to his wife that way and that he would choose me every time.

SarahC50 · 05/07/2023 20:58

Absolutely not. You are the one suffering, if they want a relationship with the kids let them make the effort, don't be their punchbag as you feeling upset and tired will affect all the family. Drop the rope and all the obligation you feel,you are worth so much more and deserve to be treated well xx

CapEBarra · 05/07/2023 20:59

Maddy70 · 05/07/2023 20:48

I would as they are their grandparents. Do it for the children. Not you

The grandparents aren’t that bothered though - they don’t visit, they don’t like their mother and they’re rude to her. If they really wanted a relationship with their grandchildren they’d make an effort with their mum.

declutteringmymind · 05/07/2023 20:59

I used to. Now DH does it. We host birthdays and some Christmases.

Any more and she is welcome to come over. She doesn't.

TeensToday · 05/07/2023 21:00

No. In my experience when in-laws don’t like you that dislike trickles down to the child most like you.
If they don’t visit you and they can’t be bothered, why should you.
You child won’t miss having spiteful Grandparents who choose to be unkind to you. They also won’t miss Grandparents who sound disinterested. Focus on your baby and DH.

Floralnomad · 05/07/2023 21:03

My in-laws fell out with me when our eldest was about 2/3 and didn’t speak to me at all until FIL died . My husband took our kids to see them occasionally when they were little but by 9/10 they made their own choices to not go . I started speaking to my MIL again about 3 yrs ago , mainly because she’s very old , very difficult and it’s easier for my husband if I do . Our kids are now adult and have little or no relationship with her at all . They’ve missed out on nothing , they had a lovely relationship with my late mother and their aunts on my side . Don’t make any effort at all , if they want to see your children let them make the effort .

Surgarblossom · 05/07/2023 21:53

Sunnydaysarentagiveneveninjuly · 05/07/2023 20:57

Why should you encourage your dc to see people who actively dislike their dm?
No bloody way.

This 100%

drpet49 · 05/07/2023 22:03

Sunnydaysarentagiveneveninjuly · 05/07/2023 20:57

Why should you encourage your dc to see people who actively dislike their dm?
No bloody way.

This. No way in hell would I facilitate this. When the kids are older they will be bad mouthing you to them. Don’t allow it.

Ellie56 · 05/07/2023 22:06

Nope.

Gardenerboo · 05/07/2023 22:08

I don’t. Life is lovely and simple. DH takes them. I am nc with mil.

ButtOutBobsMum · 05/07/2023 22:18

Maddy70 · 05/07/2023 20:48

I would as they are their grandparents. Do it for the children. Not you

It's not the OP's responsibility to ensure her children have a relationship with her DH's parents. If her DH is that bothered he can taken them to see their grandparents.

TomatoSandwiches · 05/07/2023 22:22

YANBU, their father can take them to visit and you can use that time to rest or sleep.
I don't know why you would want their help looking after the children if they are as bad as you say anyway tbh.

PimpMyFridge · 05/07/2023 22:28

I have facilitated a relationship between my DC and my in laws for 13 years.
But...
Although they didn't like me it wasn't obvious to the children, they kept a civil veneer.
I didn't put more effort into doing that than my DH did.
They came to us as well as we went to them... They weren't interested in me but they were interested in my DH and the kids.
If they had been badly behaved and obviously rude to me, or DH had sat back and let me do the work or if they expected me to do all the running... Then no.

Funnily enough about a year ago they decided I was ok after all... It only took 22 years of proving myself worthy of their son to finally accept me. 🤣

Original poster

Ifyousayso1 · 06/07/2023 01:22

My partner doesn’t have a clue, it all goes over his head. It’s like when we all walk into their house they don’t greet me, I will sit and never be offered a drink. They feel they have to make comments every time it’s come up that partner has sat with the baby at night (very rarely). He has to work that should be my job. I use the wrong dummies, feed the wrong food. I clean my house too much when I don’t. House work is a pink job not a blue job, nappy changing is a pink job…..he should go out on his own…etc etc

OP posts:

Codlingmoths · 06/07/2023 01:29

based on that, never. I’ve been a sleep deprived mum of a baby and older dc. you concentrate on getting through the days, and ignore them.

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