Can we make a support thread for 'women with partners that work away?'

[warmsummersday]

I really feel I could use this, anyone else interested in starting this up?

Yes, totally agree. I have 3 ds's - 1 9 months old and five year old twins. My husband is only home at the weekeneds and I am finding it tough going. It is not just the logistics of looking after the children but the loneliness.

my dh works away during the week, but never contacts us, I think he has depression. Anyway 2 weeks ago he said he wants us to split. I am devestated. He is due back on Friday and I just don't know what to do. We got stuck in a vicious circle of me feeling regected and alone during the week so not being "all over him" when he came home at the weekend, so he would then sink further into himself. I so want us to work this out.

what an awful situation for you. Do you really think the separation has caused or triggered probs in your relationship? I hope you can work it all out.

ooh yes my dp doesnt work away all the time but works very long hours and does have working away jobs throughout yr

sportscandy sorry to hear your situation is so bad with dh

i think we all tend to feel sorry for ourselves and take it out on those closest but also when both leading seperate lives if cant come together in the time you have so easy to grow apart

my dp worked away alot at one point and really hated being away from home but when together without meaning to just moaned about being lonely and dealing with ds alone and not being pleasant to be around

this made him feel unwanted at home and we too nearly split up

you need to sit down do nice dinner and give each other opportunity to talk to each other on how you feel but without interrupting even if really disagree its about listening to how you feel

remember its not fun for them either and its worse when we just moan at them

we alwasy have a habit of texting and saying thank you for all you do

and if i fel alone i dont blame him he is working hard after all i just say i miss him and cant wait for cuddles when he gets home

more effort needs to be made on both sides he needs to contact you and you need to just be there for him

when he comes home nice dinner cuddles and enjoy the time so the week he is away you can look forward to seeing each other again good luck

me and my dp are great now and we both have made effort

Sympathy for you sc.

My DH is away 3 out of 6 weeks normally for 10 days at a time.

He is off Sat for 2 weeks.

Although he's been home for 3 weeks straight and he's starting to drive me nuts

thanks, I'm sure if he gave me the chance I could fix it, but he is so low at the minute, he just wont give it another go.

well if things are making you both unhappy maybe you need to have a break as horrible as it sounds

but maybe ask yourself what you love about him what he does that makes you happy how are your weekends when you are together?

why does he not contact you throughout week i dont mean to pry or be rude but is there a possibility anyone elae could be involved?

could you maybe agree to part and date again get someone to watch kids one night and start again

talk through your problems men tend to run instead of dealing with things he has all week away so should be long enough to have space there

must be reason why he wants to be away permanently see what he thinks of the idea of dating again tell him how much you love him and want things to work and if you both make effort it can

you can then only go on what his response is

but i really hope things work out for you it can be so difficult my dp go through this at least once ayr where we think we've grown apart

great advice bubblagirl. Although I wouldn't say that DH and I have major problems I have started to feel a bit resentful of his relative freedom during the week. It doesn't help when I see restaurant and bar bills but hey he works hard and deserves to go out in the evenings. It will be interesting to see how things work out when I start work again in July I just find it hard to swap between the SAHM role and sex goddess at the weekend as am too knackered...

NicMac i was worlds worst at being resentful as i never got to do anything

what we did was when home at weekend i would arrange to go out on the sat night so we would have fi together me out on sat feeling so refreshed

then we would have something to chat about and resentment fades away

even if i was really tired i went out as once out the sence of freeedom is great

now if he goes away id ont moan if he has feew beers at end of night as i'm still feeling so rough from hangover that i dont want to go out for a while

it just helped us greatly as i then became me again instead of just mum and waiting around for him

we also had conversation on adult level as i had things to talk aboput other than ds

and we became physically close cuddling kissing not always making love but we were genuinly much closer you didnt have me moaning aboput how bored lonely i am

i do suffer bad with insecurities but at least on a whole our communication has improved and much closer as we both have freewdom and both there for each other

he now understands my frustration and i his but do not throw it in each others faces as we are both working hard for family

Yes, I tink you are right, that is the goal really and we are both working hard for OUR family but in different ways.

Hi ladies. I started this thread and then never managed to post anything else.

I have 2 children aged 5 and 1 and OH works in germany monday to friday. I am finding it very hard at the moment and also feel very resentful that he gets to do what he likes in the week and I feel it's always about his career. We barely speak during the week.

Im glad this thread hit off, I have to do school run in 20 minutes but will be back later!!!

I think it is important to try to keep yourself busy (easy with two young children) and cut yourself some slack too during the week. I understand completely the resent thing, I moved to France, put my career on hold and complketely changed my lifestyle to be with DH and now he is hardly here! But it helps to keep focused on the fact that it won't always be like that and that you are doing a fabulous job at home which enables him to pursue his work. Could you email rather than phone him?

Hi. I do keep myself very busy during the day, I go to the gym and tomorrow I am starting horse riding which I did as a child but really want to get back into so have taken the plunge, it's also something for myself.

There has been times when I could have moved with OH work to another country but up until now I haven't (did in the past before kids) because I know I would be too lonely and he would still work all the hours and then I would be on my own.

I do send him the odd email but it's mainly me contacting him in the week and then when I find out he has been out for meals etc I get annoyed and wonder what he is up to out there. I suffer with anxiety and am very insecure.

It is nice to know though that I am not the only one going through this so everyone keep posting to keep me sane!!

Hi can I join this thread, we live in France but DH works in London Monday to Friday, and this last month we've been so skint he hasn't been able to visit at all, so looking forward to this weekend. It is hard,in the beginning I felt quite resentful of DH because he'd kept our old life, just without me and the kids and I was struggling trying to build a life here. I've recently had problems with DS2 just misbehaving etc and I found DH's armchair parenting comments really wound me up he managed to make me feel that I was failing as a parent in discipling DS2. He didn't mean it but when you're stressed and carry out your day to day life via Skype things get misinterpreted.

Most of the time it works fine, but when everything goes wrong or you just need someone to talk to being in two different countries can just be so lonely.

I completely agree, it can be a very lonely experience but I think me have to pat ourselves on the back that we manage all the logistics singlehandedly. I think insecurity is a very common feeling, I feel life has hardly changed for DH whilst mine is turned on it's head, though of course I wouldn't change DC's for anything. Walkthedinosaur - do you think DS2's behaviour is affected by his father's absences?

Sorry to hear what you are going through SC

I have 3 DC's 7,3,1 and am 6 mths pg with number 4.
We run our own business and DH is away some of the time (although works for me as there are times he can take DS1&2)

hi

my dh often works away mon-fri but not always.

tbh, it's easier

i have got used to it, me and the dc's do what we want etc., when he's away i don't have to deal with all the problems tbh.

for those that do find it hard and lonely, as i used to, i would say use the time to do all the things you want to do tht he wouldnt be interested inthen your time together is your own when he is home.

Sooo glad this thread has started, DP is due to start working away next week or the week after and I'm 7 months pregnant, 22, he and my bump are my favourite things in the whole world, and I think I'm going to find it really hard. At least I know where to come for a good cry!!!

It's been very difficult him working 12 hour nights (every night, no days off at all) and sleeping through the day lately as I've missed him so much so i don't know what I'll be like when he's actually away.

mumblesmummy i found it so much easier being pregnant and him being away as i could relax watch a film undesturbed even go out still with friends if i wanted

make the most of any quiet time you have its good to miss them but relax make the most of being able to watch a movie undisturbed or visit friends or have them over to you

when baby is born it becomes alot harder to do these things to take your mind off them being away

and of course you always have this thread now we can all moan and cry together

warmsummersday great idea for a thread as you always get friends say on he'll be home soon and just relax no one really understands whilst there dp are cooking dinner or getting dc into bed

so thank you we can all support each other

i think the worst thing is the resentment that its not so easy for us to just go out with friends or go for few drinks or a meal and whilst were in pj's in fromt of corrie or something there out in the world enjoying freedom

i hate it as i imagine him looking at other women but had to stop that as it was ruining precious little time we did have together or phone calls ended in tears

now i just joke and say be good and think no more of it he texts me while out and always says goodnight unless to drunk

and as i said when he does come home i have a night out with friends so i can be me instead of mum and i then have something adult to talk about feel regenerated and grateful for himgiving me me time and makes our time more fun together

my dp is going away sun but i dont mind this time as we have been getting on so much better and its nights he he so no pub for him

HI! This thread is a good idea....My dp works away Tues to Thurs, I suppose I'm lucky in the sense that he works from home on Mons and Fris but still works really long hours. Good to know there's a few of us that can stick together!

I think the worst thing was dealing with things when DH was away at sea, or on exercise, and then he criticised what I'd done when he got back.

I gave up my job 18 months ago and moved abroad with DH as he had a second posting abroad, and we had spent 2.5 years only seeing each other every six weeks. We talked every day, and he always rang me to wake me up in the mornings. We also spoke in the evening, and e-mailed lots as as well.

I ensured that I built in little treats for DS and I - a film maybe, or a meal out, and if I could swing it, I'd get my Mum to have DS for a night so that I could have a drink and a long hot bath without any hassles.

DH seemed to have an expectation that I would stop being the coping type and morph into the little woman when he came home, but he's thought that for 23 years, and now understands that I'm me all the time. I think that it can difficult for the one who is away to come back to what may seem like someone else's space and try to fit in again. We found this...when DH came home it was like he was in my space...when DS and I came over to Brussels for visits to DH and stayed in his flat, it was very much HIS space, and I felt I had to behave like a visitor. Now we are in Married Quarters and it is much better as it is OUR space.

Being apart sucks, and is not easy with children, but it does get better and more manageable as it goes on, and you develop strategies to deal with it. Sometimes, when DH had a posting that meant he could live at home, I used to wish that we were weekending again, as he was being irritating!

I felt sorry for him though as he missed a lot of DS getting older, and doesn't have such a close relationship with him as I do. Hence the move abroad to try to correct that.

I actually find it easier (however much i moan) with him being away in the week as I can do my own thing, don't have to worry what time he will be back etc but I do miss him. I also don't think he is very close to the kids.

How about weekends, what does everyone do? Sometimes my OH goes off to do his own thing which does annoy me abit but then other times he will take the kids out and give me a break or I go off to the gym. Sometimes I just have to get out as I feel suffocated with him being home and the kids to deal with!

i go out on a sat night but only every few weeks

fri we would just relax have dinner enjoy him being home sat i would go out as find it overwhelming being in my space i get annoyed so need to go out and relax

sun we would cuddle up have roast dinner and enjoy each other as i would have had space from the home

you do get used to them being away i felt sad once as dp came home and didnt know where anything was or routine for ds and it really upset him he said he felt a stranger in his own home and felt he was in the way

and that he was just direct debit {his name} mr bubbla how sad to feel that way

thats why i go out also so the home is his for 1 night he can relax and do as he wants

I enjoy my time when DH is away, he hates it and is on the phone every hour.
Not sure it would be much fun after a week though!

Hi, can I join too?

I'm in CH and since November, dh has been working in ItalHe's home v. late Friday and goes back Sun pm, so he's only back really 1.5 days pw. I've got 3 ds (8, 7 & 4) and am pg with dc4.

I'm finding it really tough tbh. I was all for it, but it's proving far harder than I imagined.