Can we make a support thread for 'women with partners that work away?'

[warmsummersday]

I really feel I could use this, anyone else interested in starting this up?

i'm sorry for you ernest you cetrtaintly have your hands full if you feel lonely or need to vent some frustrations you know where to come we'll all know how your feeling

except i'm not pregnant with dc number 4 i have 1

so well done for all your hard work remember things dont stay the same and we are all working hard for our families

we just have to acdcept our circumstances and ensure the time we have together is precious so you can stick together as strong family unit

Very true bubblagirl - it is just hard to switch between the two personas of quais-sole parent to happy families.

ernest- that is why I say I don't thibk I could take more than a week, I am in a very similar situation to you.
Three dc's 7,3,1 and pg with number 4.

DH is very supportive when he is at home so it is diffiuclt when he is away, mind you he hasn't been for the past copule of weeks but is going tonight and we will be back Thursday night.

What a great idea my DH is away 3 weeks out of 4

I should have put more there shouldn't I but I got so excited about seeing the thread yes I am that sad

I don't mind him working away so much anymore, I have got used to it now but I hated it at first I have 3 children and I think I will stop at that number !!!

I'll join, but wish this thread had been here 4 months ago! My Dh is in the navy and came back after 9 months (with couple of weeks paternity leave in between) in January. I was pregnant while he was away, with a 3.5yo and a 2yo, so I know how tough it can be, but its the readjustment I find difficult, when he comes home/ goes away. I have to bite my tongue when he does things differently from me! The kids need to adjust too, and we are still having wee problems with dd1 (4) who seems to resent him coming home and taking her place as my best friend! Luckily I'm quite an independant creature, and live next door to my dad, who I'm really close to, so its not too bad. I actually think it must be worse for him to be away from his family on a horrible boat, and I feel grateful, cos it enables me to stay at home with the kids 5d out of 7

I also find it hard when he's back. SOmetimes we need to 'talk' and there's only 1 evening (ie a couple of hours) pw that we're alone together, and I often think I don't want to spoil it by having a heavy conversation, so things get left unsaid and brewing. Does anyone else have that. I guess being home for a week or so at a stretch is a different kettle of fish again to just being home for a couple of days?

i think if things need to be said then you need to say i want five mins then i want to have a lovely evening just fel this needs to be said

but i usually find when i want to say things its the same thing lack of contact me feeling alone feeling resentful

i've now come to realise he knows all this and doesnt want to hear this every time but all he wants is to enjoy his time with me i find if i lighten up then i can enjoy my time with him and it makes me feel better about situation

and i can say gently through out evening in a nice tone how lonely i am without him and atmosphere satys nice i just make sure i dont go on and on about it

as he doesnt like being away he doesnt like feeling like a stranger in his own home but his doing it for us as am i with raising our ds and we want to make our time together enjoyable even if we only have couple of days i will make sure i go out with friends on one of the days

makes me feel so much better to have some me time in between it all

Yes I feel the same ernest, I have things I want to talk about at the weekend but end up keeping my mouth shut so I don't cause an arguement.

OH is also staying out in germany for a weekend end of march, he wants to see a car show, I have agreed to this but wont see him for nearly 2 weeks. He sis this last year but went and saw friends, I found this rrally hard and said never again but I thought he should be allowed to go to the car show as he works hard too. I will be posting like crazy that weekend!!

could you not go out to Germany that weekend?

Not sure........ It would be hassle to take the kids over and don't have anyone to look after them for the weekend.

I have invited a friend and her kids to come and stay that weekend and we are going to get takeaway etc so I should be ok.

Hi can I join?

Dp doesn't work away all the time but pretty much works 24/7 running his own business and a whole week can go by without him seeing the dcs.

He set the business up 6 years ago when dd1 was nearly a year old and I found it really hard for the first couple of years at the amount of time he was away. I still get times when I feel lonely but I think I've just got used to my own company.

I also find it sad that the dcs miss out on time with daddy and how much of their development he's missed out on, not to mention sports days, christmas plays,etc

Good idea for a thread.
Dh has always worked ridiculous hours and rarely saw the kids in the week but now he's working in Switzerland Mon-Fri. We have 3 DCs, aged 5yrs, 3 yrs and 9 months. I do find it hard but have got to the point (worryingly) where I dont miss him much and prefer it when he's away! I find it hard to readjust when he comes home at the weekends, particulary since he continues to work on his Blackberry a lot of them time which I resent. I have recently started to suffer from migraines at the weekend which isn't helping. Suspect this is stress or tiredness.
DCs seem to have adjusted ok though (we had more trouble with the eldest last year when we moved house and had a baby within 2 weeks, their her behaviour has settled down now).
Dh's father worked abroad, only going home once a month, so he doesn't see this way of life as a problem.
Good to hear other people are in similar situations.

LL, where in CH is your dh? Do you not want to join him there, or is it not possible?

Earnest.
He's in Zurich. He may come back here in April, or they may find him something elsewhere. I'm not a natural at making friends quickly (a bit shy and lacking in confidence!) but I have a good friend network here and not keen to have to start afresh. We moved house last year (albeit fairly locally), I cant face doing it all over again so soon. His argument is that this is a perfect time to take the family abroad, great experiences etc etc but I'm not sold on the idea.

I should add that since he works such stupidly long hours if I moved to be with him I'd see very little more of him but would be in a new country without the support network that i enjoy here in England.

I know lucylouise! I keep getting that in the ear that it's my fault DH works away because I didn't want to move to London when he worked there, but I have a good network of friends here and in a way im scared because he will still work long hours. He likes to tell me it's my fault he works away.

Oh and he spends loads of time on the internet, seeing people and ringing people at the weekends which is our time and that pisses me off but he tells me he's a very busy person!!!!!

ll, I'm near Zurich - for now! It is absolutely wonderful here and fabulous for the kids. Am very to soon have to leave, and yes, start all over again. I can 100% relate to that. Which is why, why dh started working in Milan, I said I'd stay here. I was convinced it would be great - he works long hours and travels anyway, so I didn't see it as being that big a deal. I got a big shock. Tbh I was shocked at how much I didn't miss him, I found not being able to talk difficult (as mentioned) the boys miss him far more than I was expecting. I really felt our relationship was suffering and the separation was damaging, so I (very) reluctantly agreed to move. And it wasn't just leaving here, where I love, but yes, starting all over again, the new language, crap at making new friends, new baby, and Milan - I just didn't mentally gel with Milan (ie I really hated the thought of living there with a passion). A couple of weeks ago I got a repreive - we're still moving but not to Milan, but to Munich so am very much relieved. But I really feel the separation is bad for us, and will be mightily glad to all be living together again. - 5 months.

RedJools, is he an underthewater merchant like mine?

My dh isn't always away at the moment but has basically worked abroad since before dd was born - and she's 14 now. We have 4 children and I get exhausted. We live in the sticks so I can easily do 400 miles a week driving the kids around. We never get time when the kids are in bed - 14 down to 4 - and there always chores to do at the weekend. Also he snores which I can't stand when he's here. We have totally different priorities. I just want to get back to when we first met. Compared with some people I have nothing to moan about at all but I feel so lonely, even when he's around.

Hiya what a good thread i didnt realise there were so many of us in a similar situation. My dh is in the navy and seems to be constantly away half the time i dont know when hes coming or going so we can never plan anything. I too am getting to that worrying stage where im getting independent and prefer it when hes away. I find it hard to begin with but you get into a routine and i worry when hes due to come home that hes going to ruin it all and not fit in. Finding myself getting very resentful.Ive got a 5 wk baby and hes been away for the last 3wks and has another 3wks to go before he comes home. Part of me feels resentful that hes left me with the kids and another sad that hes missing out on our new baby.

m2saa, that's . I feel similar, as I'm likely to have our baby here in Switzerland, while he's living in germany. In a way tho it might be better, cos if he's not here, I won't be resentful (as much) about having to get up several times a night, but then in the morning listening to him moaning about how tired he is, grrrrr. Then if I ever have a go and point out he spent the whole night in bed asleep he gets all arsey with me about tiredness not being a competition! SO I think at this time being apart might be good.

swedidhmum, I know exactly what you mean about the snoring! I get usually a great night sleep during the week, then Friday and Saturday night always disturbed with snoring. And now it makes me feel cross, more than when we were together.

When we're reunited, I'll definitely make him actually do something about it. My fil snores badly too, and my poor mil put up with disturbed sleep every night for 40 years! And she spent the night awake/changing beds/ replacing her ear plugs etc. She'd get up in the morning looking and feeling like crap, he'd cheerfully announce he hadn't heard a thing. grrr. I felt really pssed off on her behalf! But he never tried any of the anti-snoring devices out there. Becasue it didn't bother him. My dh will be getting his snoring sorted or the settee.

My boys really miss DH particularly DS1 he's always counting the days till Daddy's home, two sleeps and then he's here this week. I hate Sundays because we've been doing this for two years now and DS1 still breaks his heart for the rest of Sunday afternoon after Daddy has gone and now DS2 has picked up on this and he'll join in. DH is miserable too and I feel like I'm not allowed to show my own feelings because I've got to keep everybody else upbeat. It's not so bad for DH now and to be honest I think the DS's have got used to it too, he rings up a couple of times a day and we use a camera so that we can see him when he's talking and sometimes the kids are just happy to say hello then wander off and do their own thing. Also, I never have any time to myself, nothing during the week and then daren't do anything on the weekend because I want to spend time with DH. I think all you ladies doing this with three children are brilliant because I struggle with just the two.

On a plus side, we chose this life for our boys to have a better lifestyle, education etc and it's working they're happy and flourishing which is all we've ever wanted. I don't know what I'd do if DH was here full time now though because I feel this house is my domain and sometimes I get really narky when DH changes things around or comments on our routines etc. Poor guy just can't win.

scaryteacher - is your DH on subs? DH is just about to start on them

My DH is currently doing a training course, so away Sun night to Friday night. Luckily we've got an ap, which really helps, but I do find it tiring and lonely. I think the DS's (nearly 4 and 20 months) are a bit young to really notice at the moment, plus they're pretty much used to it, as DH has worked away a lot. I'm sure as they get older they'll miss him more.

What I find upsetting as well is when they are with you in body but not in mind as it were. There would be times when he was back from patrol, and all he could think about was the damn submarine. They tend to forget that we still exist and get on with our lives when they're away. I used to point out that I didn't go into a state of suspended animation as the boat passed Devil's Point and disappeared into Plymouth Sound.

He came back from patrol once, when I was 6 months pg with DS, was in the house for 2 days, and then buggered off for a sailing holiday with a friend. He was then due to go back to sea for various things from mid Sep-Nov, and I knew he probably wasn't going to be there when I was due to pop, so I wasn't very happy. Sadly, the yacht developed engine trouble, and they had to come back after three days!

It wasn't too bad when he was at sea, or weekending when he was at the Staff College, but I have to say that when he moved to Brussels to work, it was a killer as we only saw each other every six weeks. There was just this feeling, even though we talked every day and e-mailed lots, that it could all slip away. You lose each other because your lives don't overlap much, hence the move to Brussels for DS and I. Even so, he is still away regularly for meetings, though it's not as bad as it used to be.