Can we make a support thread for 'women with partners that work away?'

[warmsummersday]

I really feel I could use this, anyone else interested in starting this up?

I understand how you feel about being lonely even when he is around because I am used to being on my own
We moved house to be near my parents so I feel so much better about things now When I lived up North I hated him leaving

I also hate the fact that when they come home there seems so much to do for the few short days he is home one of of us is on the phone sorting paperwork out DH family want to come and visit etc we dont seem to have much time to ourselves

Sorry to sounds thick but do civilians work on subs or are your DH's in the navy

Navy...civilians only work on subs alongside (in the dockyard) or sometimes a contractor might do so on a trial of equipment at sea, but not otherwise.

Thanks for that are they contactable whilst they are at sea then

Hi everyone. I agree this is a good idea for a thread, and good timing for me too.

Dh has just started a job where he will work away from home half the time. It will probably work out him away mon-fri every other week or so. I have 3xds (age 8,3 & 6mth).

Our relationship has been very strained recently. So I'm hoping this extra space we now have will be a good thing.

So far I'm not finding the practicalities too hard, but it's early days yet. If anything it's easier to stamp my own routine on everything. It's nice also not having the putdowns from dh, day in day out.

It must be hard for you ladies with dh/p's in the forces. My bf's exdp was a submarinar, and she found it difficult.

Another forces wife here...

My husband (who's in the Army) works away through the week and spends a fair bit of time on exercise etc. His company is spread to the four winds, so he's on the road a lot visiting the various sections as well as battalion HQ down in Wilts.

Actually, I quite like the fact he's not here through the week. We both have our own interests and hobbies and I can indulge mine to the full when he's away. Likewise, he's a workaholic (and a bit of a perfectionist) who would work long hours even when he didn't have to so if he's away through the week, he can work as long and as hard as he likes without worrying about whether he's spoiling my evening.

We have one son and I'm four months pregnant with our second. I manage because we moved into our own home in 2006 to be near my parents and because my health wasn't great (I'm on feet up/bed rest until the baby is born). I have plenty to occupy me and my family are close at hand and very involved with our son.

When he comes home at weekends we try to do fun things. We have babysitters on tap (my wonderful mum!) so we go out for dinner or even just for a quiet drink somewhere. We appreciate the time we have together because it's limited.

I suppose that operations are the hardest - six months is a long time and the R&R in the middle can be extremely difficult as it doesn't really give them enough time to adjust to real life before they have to go back to theatre. One worries, especially in the current climate. We've had two good friends die, as well as three other people we knew less well. However, you grit your teeth and get on with things.

I think our relationship works because we've been used to spending time apart for years. It suits us - although it can be difficult when he misses birthdays/christmases/anniverseries etc.

We find it easy but I know plenty of people for whom it's a difficult and fraught situation and I have every sympathy.

ernest- how are you feeling today?

Hi, thanks for asking. I'm OK. Just taken my ds3 to optician and found he def. does need glasses so bit about that. But nowt to be done about it, so won't dwell. He was , unfortunately, a bit poorly, so rather bad tempered and uncooperative (which for him is not a pretty picture) and as he had temp. they couldn't put eye drops in, so have to go back again o get full diagnostic test done.

Dh is making more effort of late, and has been ringing me 1st thing which helps. How's bump? Very active yet?

Laura032004 - my DH is a submariner, but an older one now - done his charge job, been SWEO etc, and now drives a desk in Brussels. Don't be sad that you DH is going to be a submariner, they are the best of the best; have great senses of humour; are more egalitarian than the rest of the RN, as they are so dependent on each other when at sea; and are a good run ashore as well. They also get far more pay . Whereabouts are you FL or Guzz? When in the UK I'm a Cornish lass. Where is he training? Mine did his part 3s at Dolphin, which dates him a bit!

Peanutbear - depending on what sort of running the boat is doing, you may or may not have contact. When my DH was at sea, I got if lucky, 2 20 word familygrams (known as grumblegrams)to send, and there would be no reponse. These family grams were censored so no bad news was sent, and only transmitted if possible. It meant that he couldn't moan about the phone bill as he was away!!

I think for service wives we know that there is going to be separation; that's part of it, and I grew up with it, and have now been coping with it for nearly 23 years; but it doesn't get easier to see him go, although it is now easier when he's away as DS is 12 and more amenable to helping out, and better company than he was as well. I think you either have to put up, or shut up with the separations, or get your DH to leave the Services, but there are so many advantages to Service life, and let's face it, by the time they've been home for two years and we've got bored with them, they get reappointed elsewhere, and they're off again! I say put up or shut up, not to intimate that you ladies are moaning, as I know you accept it, but I have seen many Service marriages come to grief over this, and several promising careers stymied because of it.

Sometimes I wish that I'd moved with him, but that would have fouled up my career, and I wouldn't have had my own house.However, it works out, and we are here in Brussels, the house let out, DS with us, the school fees paid and 6 years to go before he leaves the RN, if he doesn't make Captain. It feels like my reward for the 16 years of sea going and weekending that I've dealt with. He's off to Eastern Europe next week, so I'll have lazy days and cook what I want in the evenings!

Oh yes, the real advantage of being married to a serviceman is that they can, and mine does, his own ironing!!! I'm still trying to train him to stack a dishwasher though...I'll have it cracked before he leaves the Navy, as my role in life is NOT to be his steward.

scaryteacher - DH is only going on for one job, as he's a pusser, so they just do the one appointment. A waste of training if you ask me, but that's the Forces for you isn't it? I sometimes wonder what it would be like if the wives ran it.... He is loving it though - he did some time on a sub in refit, and really enjoyed the atmosphere. I think he'll be fine. We're in Guzz at the moment and DH is doing his training at Sultan. We've just done 3 years in Cornwall which was lovely, even if it was the end of the earth! .

I think I'm lucky in that I'm from a Forces family, even though my dad didn't go away all that much. My FIL was also in the RAF. At least that way my mum and MIL know what it's like, and appreciate our life, rather than thinking that DH is abandoning me or anything.

BTW - DH does ALL his own ironing. I don't iron anything!

I'm kind of OK about DH being away, and know the whole frustration thing when they come back, but I wonder what happens when they leave, and you have them at home all the time? It would be interesting to find out what the breakup stats for that period are. My MIL and FIL divorced at that point, although he hadn't really been away much, he had a kind of mid-life crisis when he left the RAF.

My baby brother did that as a pusser, but still ha submarine pay, as he did a job at FL, before returning to the West Country. Cornwall (my bit anyway) isn't at the ends of the earth, but 25 minutes from the dockyard, traffic and the Tamar Bridge permitting!

DH is due to leave in 6 years...so you start planning early! We are in Brussels, he has been at NATO and is now working elsewhere here. We hope he can stay out here for the rest of the time in, and then go for a civvy job at NATO, or elsewhere, which will last until say 65, then back to Cornwall, where he will spend his days gliding, and I will spend mine communing with Waitrose, Kit Hill and a large tub of Thunder and Lightening ice cream with added clotted cream, and going to Dukes in Tavistock for bacon sarnies and a cappucino, neither readily available where I live in Belgium.

FIL was in the RN too, and he left before his time was up and worked for a private defence firm. He then retired at 67 I think, and he and MIL celebrate 49 years of marriage this year, so it is do-able. You make sure you have interests you share, and those you don't, and you keep laughing and talking.

The problem is when they go outside, they go from being big fish in small pond (when I say jump you say how high), to small and unimportant fish without protection of uniform (when I say jump why do you ask why?), and they are let go without ceremony (literally hand your ID card in, move out of MQ and piss off, as happened to friend out here) or much help in integrating into civvy street. You just have to help as much as possible I think.

Evening ladies. I hope we are all ok tonight. Im not, im feeling very down and exhausted. I went horse riding and to the gym yestersday and can barely move tonight off the sofa. I missed DP phone call earlier because I was out but im going to phone him abit later.

I am feeling very insecure at the moment, he is going out tomorrow night (probably just dinner with some friends) but I keep thinking what is he getting up to and where is he going.I don't really want to talk to him about this as he keeps telling me he is doing nothing and occasionally goes out for a drink or meal with some friends ( he is not a big drinker.) I feel bad keep nagging on at him.

Sorry for the rant!! !!!!!

That's the other thing you have to have..trust. If you aren't playing away, why should he be? It's hard I know, but there are some decent types out there (I have one), who sometimes go for a drink after work or a meal.

Go and have a hot bath, and a big glass of wine, and relax.

Hi Warmsd. Sounds like you had a very physical day yesterday - bet you're feeling it today too!

Sorry to read you are feeling down and insecure. Personally I don't experience from the insecurity thing (regards dh being away), but I do know it can eat you up inside if left unchecked. Not really sure what to say. Are you able to have a talk with him about it. Perhaps when he's home and you are both relaxed and in a totally non-confrontational way. Perhaps talk with him about why he likes to go out with friends. That may help you understand him better, and therefore help develop the trust. Eg, it may be that he is simply lonely and he is after a bit of company in the evening. In which case it might not seem as suspicious to you. Hope you know what I'm getting at.

Another thing you could do is have a night out with your friends. You'd obviously have to do this when he's back or else get a babysitter. You'll get a little taste of going out and having adult, non-work company. And I bet the last thing on your mind would be to get up to something while you're out. Might help you see that it's probably the last thing on his mind too.

Hope I'm making sense here. Anyway you rant away. It's what we're here for.

I'm with scaryteacher - you have to trust that they're being faithful when they're away. After all, you are, so why shouldn't they?

I know it can be hard but there's nothing wrong with him having a drink/meal with friends. Can you arrange something similar - get some friends round to your house once the children are in bed, or get a sitter and go out for a meal? After all, if you and your husband are only seeing each other at weekends, then you want to spend that time together, not with friends, so you should try to see friends etc when he's away. That way, you're indulging yourself without feeling as though you're eating into time you ought to spend with your husband.

Hi You guys, what a brilliant idea for a thread. My DH works away in London (mostly) during the weekend, pretty much only coming home thurs/fri night then off again Sun night/Mon or Tues am.
Sad to say, I don't actually miss him when he's not around, a bit like jcscot I guess, as we're so used to it. I actually find it more difficult and stressful when he is home, as it totally mucks up my routine and he spends the entire weekend catching up. We have a small farm and someone does the necessary in the week as I put my foot down about it, but he then has loads to do at the weekend.

But it's beginning to get hard on DS (2 1/2) who is just starting to want to know where his dad is & when he's coming home.

I'd join him in London like a shot, but we both agree it's not right for a kid. Gah! When was life ever simple!

Have just left DH at MILs. He works away all week (sometimes Saturdays and rarely sundays). But this week end, my MIL wanted us all down to hers. Because my DH works closer to her than us, we all met down there but me and DDs had to leave him there this afternoon to come home and its been awful. Usually we spend most of the week end just the four of us but because we were down at his mums, we got no time together. To make it worse our 2 yo decided not to sleep at all last night so we didn't even have the night in bed together. Feeling really sorry for myself, and a little bit resentful that spending the night at his mums means we haven't had any time together.