Sexual coercion - to forgive or divorce?

[lechug4]

long and complicated - sorry!

So I recently realised (because it was pointed out by a friend who witnessed it) that my husband has been sexually coercing me and manipulating me into having sex/performing sexual acts.

For years now I’ve not enjoyed our sex life and wasn’t sure why, but now I can see and pinpoint all the times where I’ve said no, and he’s gotten angry with me, manipulated my feelings, emotionally blackmailed me, and ignored my upset. the most recent being that we were at a festival, he got extremely jealous and possessive with me, even though I’ve never given him reasons to question my loyalty to him. The next morning he was so angry with me and I didn’t know why. To ease things and to try and still have a good time at the festival I apologised and took the blame (I now see this was stupid) he told me the only thing that would make him stop being cross was if we had sex. I definitely didn’t want that, told him as such, he then said a hand job would do. That doing something sexual with him was the only way I could prove I wanted him and it would make him feel better. I still insisted that I didn’t want to, but his bad mood and nagging was so upsetting that I went through with it (hand job) he knew I was angry and upset while doing it, told me to smile and talk dirty to him. And even after it all he still remained cross with me and didn’t let us enjoy the last day of the festival.

Lots of googling and talking to my friend and I’ve been able to label it as sexual coercion and emotional blackmail. Told him that this is what it was.

He is now remorseful, says he didn’t realise what it was, keeps saying sorry, telling me how much he loves me etc.

I’m not sure I can forgive this. He knew I didn’t want to and went ahead anyway, and it’s shone a light on countless other times where it’s been similar situations, including me even crying while carrying out a sexual act, and instead of apologising he’s gotten angry at me and arguments blew up for days after.

He‘a hurting and I’m hurting. We have two young kids and have been together for 10 years. If we weren’t married and didn’t have kids I’d have left. But there’s too many complications, our lives are entangled. I haven’t worked since our first was born 6 years ago so the thought of divorce terrifies me. Financially I couldn’t support our children. We don’t own a property.

Apart from the obvious that I’ve just stated, he’s an amazing father, a good intelligent person and I always believed he cared for me. I still believe he does and I believe it won’t happen again, but I just don’t know how to get over the past of what’s happened.

Has anyone else been through this and either forgiven/made it work? Or is divorce my only option?

From what you've described OP he 100% gets off on the fact that you don't want to and that would have me running screaming for the hills. That's not something he can 'fix', it's who he is and frankly no woman should be anywhere near him. I would take sex completely off the table and focus all my energy on figuring out an exit plan in your shoes, even if it takes a while.

Oh my gosh I’m so sorry this is so so sad. You’ve been abused…. The crying whilst performing a sex act literally turned my stomach. This. Is . Not. How it should be ….. I’m so sorry

I believe it won’t happen again

The only thing that's changed is now he knows you know it was sexual coercion. He always knew this. Why would he want you to perform sex acts whilst crying?

It will happen again. He'll just be more careful about how he manipulates you, so it's less obvious. I'm thinking of things like getting you to agree to it in advance, then refusing to accept you've changed your mind when he behaves vilely. Giving you the silent treatment instead of raging. Whatever makes it superficially not the same as what you've already experienced. So you're forced to keep explaining that no, that was the same thing too.

Sorry OP but I agree with the others, there's no way past this. He's not upset because he's realised. He's upset because you've realised what he's done and he's trying to control your reaction so things stay on his terms.

Let's be generous and assume simplistically that if he was feeling sad or upset, it is true that sex would cheer him up, and he didn't have the social awareness that it's not a reasonable thing to ask. The assumption that sex with our partner feels good, right? Feeling close, feeling valued etc.

Thats not what happened here. It wasn't 'make up sex'. It's sex where he's aroused when you were upset. Where you were clearly acting against your will. Where you were being punished. No role play or safe words, genuine distress.

Sorry if this is too direct, but if you're able to think about the role being reversed, would you/could you ever enjoy sex when your partner was genuinely upset? Surely your reaction would be to stop, to comfort them?

What he's done is really horrible, I'm sorry. You don't deserve this at all.

I think you need to get support for yourself from a professional with expertise in this area. Eg Rape Crisis.

It’s abuse. If you can’t forgive it, and why should you, then the marriage is over.

The incident where I cried and got upset he didn’t carry on, he noticed I was crying but instead of being empathetic and apologising he was cross with me and remained annoyed through to the next day. I don’t think me being upset gets him off, I think he just put his needs before mine.

How can you think he cares for you when he does this. It literally turned my stomach and made me grimace reading your op. My husband cares for me. He’d never do that. Because someone who cares for you wishes sex to be consensual, and of course it will happen again.

olease don’t let your fear over finances make you try to force yourself to believe that this man isn’t abusing you for kicks. He’s humiliating you and abusing you and getting off on it, it’s fucking grim,

I would never forgive him
He wants you to have sex when he knows you don't want to. That's not love, what is that? It's assault

Sex is not a need op. It's a want. And he should not want what you do not.

Please call Womens aid.

Your husband is utter scum.

He has been committing a crime.

A very serious crime for years.

He is a lowlife criminal.

You need to talk to Womens aid and he deserves to be reported to the police.

A nasty abusive bully.

Please reach out to services.

Tell your GP.

But call Womens aid first.

Hopefully they can help.

Get away from this disgusting man.

Good fathers do not sexually abuse their wives.

Sorry you are having to go through this OP. This is not something I could get over, my stomach turned just reading your post. Now he knows you are aware, I’d be worried his behaviour would escalate to using other tactics like force. I appreciate that you are in a difficult situation but I think you need to start planning your exit for your own safety. A good father doesn’t force his children’s mother to perform sex acts against her will I’m afraid.

He’s utterly, utterly repulsive. Manipulative, abusive, selfish, coercive, and emotionally blackmails you. I hope his dick falls off.

Please start looking for a way out, I know it won’t be easy, but you can’t live like this and please don’t fall for his bullshit about not realising, he knew exactly what he was doing.

I’m sorry but the sexual coercion that you’ve been subjected to FAR overrides the ‘he’s a great dad’ comment.
Listen to your gut. It’s telling you the right thing.

You’ll need to unravel yourself wrt sexual relationships going forward, as he’s done a real number on you.
You’ve had some great advice on here. Please seek help.

He's not hurting, he's just mourning the loss of his control over you. Get rid before he damages you further.

The silent treatment alone is abuse, even without the awful sexual aspect.

I'm so sorry OP. This must be a lot to take in and you are just now seeing your husband in a new light (and not a good one).
I know how you feel - I've been there. As others have said - his behaviour is abuse. The being angry with you after he didn't get sex is pure manipulation. He's sad and upset now because you've started to call him out on it. You can now expect his coercion to change - perhaps he'll now behave all sad and upset that you're not giving him sex?? That will still be abuse.

If he's anything like my ex - once you now see he has coerced you in the bedroom - you will see that he's probably been coercive in other areas of your life or been emotionally manipulative? Think about it.

You have two young children and he is treating their mother like this - he's NOT an amazing Father!

Good Luck OP - no two situations are the same and only you can decide if you can forgive but honestly I don't think a man like this can change - mainly because they genuinely don't believe what they've done is wrong. Very sad - but true.

He's not hurting and he's not sorry, he's just hoping he can manipulate you enough to allow him to carry on as before.

He neither knows or cares about your needs, they are irrelevant. He's angry and inconvenienced that you are upset about being treated as a sexual utility. You were crying during a sex act for god sake, normal men would be mortified by that and very apologetic, he was angry with you for days afterwards.

You are not fully and independently human to him, you are an object he can use, no one should live like that.

He will not change, he will just try different ways to manipulate and control you.

If you decide you can forgive what has already happened you need to accept that there will just be more of the same going forward. Do you want that?

He’s not a good person at all: his crying is just an effort to manipulate you into staying with him; so he can carry on raping you

Why do you think he won't do this again. He KNEW 100% that you didn't want to do the sex act. My partner would be totally repulsed by having sex with me if knew I didn't want to... as would most normal people. Would you force him to perform oral sex on you whilst knowing he didn't want to?

He is remorseful now because you called him out but it's crocodile tears. The moment he feels forgiven he'll be back doing this to you again.

Women often write the good dad comment as well when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man. As indeed you have done.

You are married and thus have rights I law, exercise those fully now. Your relationship to him is over because of the sexual coercion and abuse he meets out. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is NONE. Do not use the kids here as a reason to stay with him either. It is not easier for you to stay with him and doing that will further teach your children damaging lessons about relationships.

Tears can indeed be manipulation and he is further manipulating you here via his crocodile tears. He is not sorry at all for what he did.

He’s very remorseful, he’s repulsed by himself, he admits that it was wrong and would never put me in that position again. He does love me, out of the entire relationship this is the only major fault. I understand what you’re all saying. And it’s so much more complicated than just leave him. I’m an empath, I hate causing pain for others. I’m a child of divorce and can’t picture putting my kids through something similar. I have spoken to safeline, and my therapist. There’s no easy solution. I value the opinions on here but it’s the issue of if we didn’t have kids and weren’t married the outcome is easier, just leave. But the factors involved do make decision making a lot harder. I’m trying to be fair in this, taking in what he’s feeling and saying and also trying to make sense of my feelings.

I’m trying to be fair in this, taking in what he’s feeling and saying and also trying to make sense of my feelings

Being fair only works if both parties employ the same strategy, was he trying to be fair when he coerced you into doing stuff you didn't want to do? Was he thinking about your feelings and listening to what you were saying? I think making sense of your feelings is all you need to be focusing on in this, stop worrying about how he feels because he sure as shit wasn't worried about you when he was pressuring/guilting you into sex acts you didn't want. There's being an empath and then there's disregarding your own feelings and prioritising someone else's, you don't need to do that OP.

Op, no one really knows how someone else feels or thinks, everybody has hidden corners, lot of men have them in sexual preferences, things they keep secret because they know most women won't like them. Let's say your DH's thing is sex unwanted by the woman, it turns him on more and makes him feel in charge, so gradually he tries to introduce it covertly and you go along with it because you don't want to hurt him. When you say No he sulks, won't talk to you as blackmail, now it's an absolute No he's crying and sorry because he wants to keep his secret, he knows you hate to hurt people so how better to make you relent and stay with him. Just remember Op, it's part of him, it won't go away, can you really be sure he won't go back to how he was before?