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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Marriage is over. I know it needs to happen but I feel sick

60 replies

userzH · 03/07/2023 16:56

Just that really. It needs to be over. Married almost 6 years. Left him coming up to 2 years ago. Tried to reconcile but not living together.

I got my own place about 9 months ago. I say it's my own place. It's actually my grandmothers house which she no longer lives in. However it was in desperate need of repairs and needed so much work doing to it.

ExH has done all the work on it. I've paid for everything but he's done the work free of charge. We planned on living separately still for a while but he would move in properly again in the next few months.

However the old him has been creeping back. He's currently giving me the silent treatment. Haven't seen him since yesterday or spoken to him since. He does this quite often and I hate it. There's always a build up to it. He gets really miserable and snappy with everyone. I walk on eggshells around him. I never know quite what I've done. Half the time I don't think it's me. He just takes it out on me. He has been under a lot of stress lately but one of the things I've said to him is that there will always be stress of some sort but we work through it together.

We have a son together and he's also like this with him too.

When he isn't here, life is calmer. But the thought of being without him isn't nice.

Like I say, he has been very stressed lately and there is a certain situation around him which has affected us both. I went out of my way at the weekend to do something kind of busy I thought would help. I got no appreciation from him at all

Sorry I know I'm rambling. I just have this awful sicky feeling in my stomach that i hate

OP posts:
wildfirewonder · 03/07/2023 16:58

Sorry you've got this going on. It sounds like you know. Must be horrible for your son too, so separate homes may beuch better for him as he'll have a safe place with you.

Original poster
userzH · 03/07/2023 17:03

wildfirewonder · 03/07/2023 16:58

Sorry you've got this going on. It sounds like you know. Must be horrible for your son too, so separate homes may beuch better for him as he'll have a safe place with you.

Thank you for replying. The story is so so so long. I'm sick of posting on here about it. All the replies are the same - end it, he won't change.

I want it to be over myself so I don't know why I find it so hard.

We parent very differently. I'm quite a gentle parent. I find it works wonders with my son. ExH just constantly shouts at him and also at times will want to give him the silent treatment too. He's 4 years old

OP posts:
Original poster
userzH · 03/07/2023 17:06

I've spent most of the day trying to work out if I'm the problem but I just don't get it because I'm always trying to help him and constantly making sure I don't say or do the wrong thing. I'm not a bad person. I'm a huge people pleaser

OP posts:
PoseyFlump · 03/07/2023 17:14

You've got the rest of your life to be happy. Don't waste it, it's too precious Flowers

Original poster
userzH · 03/07/2023 17:23

PoseyFlump · 03/07/2023 17:14

You've got the rest of your life to be happy. Don't waste it, it's too precious Flowers

Thank you. I know. I don't feel there is any hope right now but it's early days. My children are my absolute world and I actually just want to do it on my own.

I'm sat here thinking how it's going to be a much more peaceful night without him. Not that there would be much arguing - it would be me trying to make sure my 4 year old is good and doesn't play up so then it won't frustrate exH. That's how I live my life. I hate it.

Yet I feel sick to my stomach right now

OP posts:
clareangel · 03/07/2023 17:41

Wanted to send you love and let you know you aren't alone, im feeling similar to you, husband moved out Friday for 3 months, I know it's over but he's been talking about wanting time alone for a year and we've been rubbing along, similar to your DH he has at times ignored me, stayed out etc, I know it's over but I too feel sick, knotted stomach, can't sleep, I think it's normal somehow, just wanted you to know you aren't alone and I understand, sending hugs xx

Original poster
userzH · 03/07/2023 18:28

clareangel · 03/07/2023 17:41

Wanted to send you love and let you know you aren't alone, im feeling similar to you, husband moved out Friday for 3 months, I know it's over but he's been talking about wanting time alone for a year and we've been rubbing along, similar to your DH he has at times ignored me, stayed out etc, I know it's over but I too feel sick, knotted stomach, can't sleep, I think it's normal somehow, just wanted you to know you aren't alone and I understand, sending hugs xx

Thank you, I hope you're ok. It's just so confusing. I know he completely gas lights me all the time. I just want this feeling gone.

I wish there was a way to know it was going to be ok

OP posts:
Hollyppp · 03/07/2023 18:38

Sending you a handhold x

Hehasasecretfriend · 03/07/2023 18:50

OP we can give each other a handhold, I feel exactly the same. I've a thread running 'much younger woman staying with us' and it's definitely me instigating the impending split but i feel tired thinking about it all.

clareangel · 03/07/2023 18:54

userzH · 03/07/2023 18:28

Thank you, I hope you're ok. It's just so confusing. I know he completely gas lights me all the time. I just want this feeling gone.

I wish there was a way to know it was going to be ok

Show quote history

It is so confusing isn't it? When you think they are a good guy and your best friend, then suddenly you have a flash of clarity and realise how much gaslighting and manipulation has been going on, and that really hurts. Do you find one minute you feel one way then 5 minutes later you feel another? The changes in emotions are exhausting and you want bedtime to come so you can sleep and escape for a while, but then you can't sleep! I've started having a bath and small glass of wine then reading in bed with the dog, I end up falling asleep reading and my lovely son puts my light off for me when he goes to bed! I'm sending you love, we are here for you xx

Original poster
userzH · 04/07/2023 10:50

Sorry to see there are others going through the same thing. I've still not heard anything from him since Sunday.

This is not a marriage. I don't know what I've done other than try to be there and support him. He makes me feel so confused. I've never known anyone be so mentally draining on me.

I'm not as anxious today. I've spoken with my mum and she said to just let him cool down which is what I'm going to do. I don't plan on contacting him.

This is not a marriage. This is not how it should be at all and sadly I know he will never change.

OP posts:
Original poster
userzH · 04/07/2023 10:52

Hehasasecretfriend · 03/07/2023 18:50

OP we can give each other a handhold, I feel exactly the same. I've a thread running 'much younger woman staying with us' and it's definitely me instigating the impending split but i feel tired thinking about it all.

I will have a read through of your thread. I found it and can see you started it last year. I'm so sorry. It's like a never ending nightmare. Life is too short for this Flowers

OP posts:
Duckingella · 04/07/2023 10:56

He gives a four year old thé silent treatment.

This is abuse.To you and your child.

Go see a solicitor and start the ball rolling on a divorce.

Duckingella · 04/07/2023 10:58

Also I'd recommend reading this thread;it's inspirational

Plucking up the courage to leave. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/mumsnet_classics/4572101-plucking-up-the-courage-to-leave?msgid=-4572101#-4572101

Original poster
userzH · 04/07/2023 11:01

@clareangel yes to all of that.

Every now and then things are lovely and I think to myself 'this is great, there is no where else I would rather be' but then reality hits later that day when something happens and exH over reacts and shouts at my 4 year old son telling him he is 'horrid'. Then it's back to square one again.

Honestly, the last couple of days without him here have been good. It's just the adjustment. I find myself getting anxious at something small that one of the kids may have done and then have to remind myself 'it's ok, he's not here'

DS was a nightmare to put to bed last night. I dealt with it in my own way without having to worry that he was downstairs.

He is only ever really like this when he is stressed about something but he's always stressed. He cannot take it out on me and the kids. I won't allow it.

Just to add - exH reminds me of my father. Therapy has taught me I've followed patterns that are familiar to me. I remember how I felt around my dad as a child (and still do now as an adult) and I don't want this for my kids.

I feel shit that I've landed myself into this life but have learnt to be gentle - I've done it all subconsciously. If I haven't been taught any boundaries, had been given any positive self esteem as a child then how the hell al I supposed to know what a healthy relationship looks like? Hence why I'm a huge people pleaser. Got no love or affection as a child so I please everyone as an adult to try get the love I need.

I have to break the cycle.

OP posts:
Original poster
userzH · 04/07/2023 11:05

Duckingella · 04/07/2023 10:56

He gives a four year old thé silent treatment.

This is abuse.To you and your child.

Go see a solicitor and start the ball rolling on a divorce.

Yes however I probably worded that wrong. He's giving us the silent treatment by not being here. He doesn't want to talk to me or DS.

However DS is oblivious and thinks daddy is sleeping at work. He works away quite a lot so I've told him he's doing that. Trying to protect DS as much as possible.

He hasn't text to see how DS is or anything. He knows I hate it when he ignores me so he's pretty much just trying to punish me I think.

However this time, it's not really working. I'm ok. The more he does this, the more he pushes me away and I just begin to switch off.

Back in the day, I would of been begging him to speak to me. Now I don't even plan on contacting him at all and just carrying on with my day. This shows growth on my part surely?

The relationship is over. He's just such a bully at times, I'm scared of the next part.

OP posts:
Original poster
userzH · 04/07/2023 11:05

Duckingella · 04/07/2023 10:58

Also I'd recommend reading this thread;it's inspirational

Plucking up the courage to leave. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/mumsnet_classics/4572101-plucking-up-the-courage-to-leave?msgid=-4572101#-4572101

Thank you, I will give it a read

OP posts:
clareangel · 04/07/2023 11:16

userzH · 04/07/2023 11:01

@clareangel yes to all of that.

Every now and then things are lovely and I think to myself 'this is great, there is no where else I would rather be' but then reality hits later that day when something happens and exH over reacts and shouts at my 4 year old son telling him he is 'horrid'. Then it's back to square one again.

Honestly, the last couple of days without him here have been good. It's just the adjustment. I find myself getting anxious at something small that one of the kids may have done and then have to remind myself 'it's ok, he's not here'

DS was a nightmare to put to bed last night. I dealt with it in my own way without having to worry that he was downstairs.

He is only ever really like this when he is stressed about something but he's always stressed. He cannot take it out on me and the kids. I won't allow it.

Just to add - exH reminds me of my father. Therapy has taught me I've followed patterns that are familiar to me. I remember how I felt around my dad as a child (and still do now as an adult) and I don't want this for my kids.

I feel shit that I've landed myself into this life but have learnt to be gentle - I've done it all subconsciously. If I haven't been taught any boundaries, had been given any positive self esteem as a child then how the hell al I supposed to know what a healthy relationship looks like? Hence why I'm a huge people pleaser. Got no love or affection as a child so I please everyone as an adult to try get the love I need.

I have to break the cycle.

I absolutely understand where you are coming from, I've been doing the same sort of things the last year or so, like you there was little affection as a child, father was an alcoholic and pretty nasty, mother emotionally unavailable and dismissive, like you I learned to try and keep everyone else happy and made myself small, appeasing and pleasing. If there was a row and my husband ignored me, I then allowed him to suddenly start speaking to me again days later, no apology, nothing addressed, just he decided it was time to start speaking and I just accepted that and went along with it, time and time again, I thought this was how you behave in a relationship, became a chronic people pleaser, I really feel your distress over this, I think only deep therapy can help with such an ingrained psyche, but recognising what we do and why we do it is a really good start, I'm sending you love xx

JJ8765 · 04/07/2023 11:25

I’ve been there and it isn’t you. ExH and I have been separated for years and he’s still moody and grumpy. My dc are older teens and feel it too. One describes it as Dad has a battery which runs down while he's spending time with you until the point you know he’s had enough of you and it’s time to go home. My son says it makes him feel he’s not good enough. He’s the adult and he’s damaging his child by not being able to maintain self control. We all lose it occasionally, but it not ok for it to be a regular thing that those around you are supposed to just suck up. It will damage your child’s self esteem. Even you are questioning yourself when you know deep down it’s not you.

Bewilderedandhurt · 04/07/2023 11:27

Have you tried counselling for nothing of you to unravel the issues surrounding the stress and how it affects things between you both?

Bewilderedandhurt · 04/07/2023 11:39

Nothing = both

Original poster
userzH · 04/07/2023 11:40

@clareangel exactly this! I used to feel relieved when he would start speaking to me again. It didn't matter to me how he had treated me. Just the relief that the silent treatment and atmosphere was gone.

I have 2 dc from a previous relationship. Both lovely kids. If they ever annoyed him slightly, he would stop speaking to me. Honestly, I could kick myself for putting up with this for so long!

Sending you hugs too. It's such an confusing thing to be completely stuck in x

OP posts:
Original poster
userzH · 04/07/2023 11:47

Bewilderedandhurt · 04/07/2023 11:27

Have you tried counselling for nothing of you to unravel the issues surrounding the stress and how it affects things between you both?

That was the next thing. When I left him towards the end of 2021, I had therapy and so did he. However his therapist was moving to another country (this was the truth) and exH didn't continue. He needs years of therapy.

I then got this house and he began working on it. This is where I feel guilty as he really has worked so hard on it. It's what he does for a job - pretty much the only thing he's good at to be honest. He gave up our old home and moved back to his mums. He's lost pretty much everything. The plan was we would go to marriage counselling once the house was finished. So that's now.

However there is so much more I should add with the risk of drip feeding. He's a gambling addict. Another reason why I left him.

He stopped gambling completely when I left. When we started to get on well again and become close, he asked me if he could still have football bets (these were never a problem). He had banned himself for all the sites so he asked me if I could set an account up in my name.....stupid me agreed! It wouldn't take his bank details so I had to use mine....stupid me!

It started off where he would have £5 a week and he would put the £5 in my bank straight away. It ended where he owed me almost £100 and would have football bets without even asking if he could take the money out of my account. I've never had the money back. He's in so much debt now and owes his friend a few thousand.

There's more and more...I don't think any sort of joint therapy is an option unfortunately. He's only interested in me if he can walk all over me. It was a very co dependant relationship and that's how he likes it. I give and give and give and he just takes and takes.

OP posts:
clareangel · 04/07/2023 11:50

userzH · 04/07/2023 11:40

@clareangel exactly this! I used to feel relieved when he would start speaking to me again. It didn't matter to me how he had treated me. Just the relief that the silent treatment and atmosphere was gone.

I have 2 dc from a previous relationship. Both lovely kids. If they ever annoyed him slightly, he would stop speaking to me. Honestly, I could kick myself for putting up with this for so long!

Sending you hugs too. It's such an confusing thing to be completely stuck in x

Exactly this! The relief it was over and he was talking to me again, as a child my parents would fight the whole time, then one day I would hear them laughing and my whole body would decompress and I would feel a surge of happiness that things were ok, from when I was very small. Like everyone I swore I wouldn't repeat patterns yet here I am copying my mother by being unable to afford the house by myself so not leaving him, its quite the moment when you realise isn't it? I seem to shut down and just agree with him when he Wants To Talk, I agree to everything, I'm such a doormat and a people pleaser, or I was, I'm trying hard to understand my actions and not repeat them.
This time hes gone and ive heard nothing from him since Friday, if I were to contact him and tell him he's being cruel, uncaring and causing me pain he would say he was only being kind giving me space to come to terms etc, and I would feel bad that I'm in the wrong - that's my pattern and it needs to stop! The idea of telling him he's wrong, hes manipulative and gaslighting and cruel makes me feel sick, it's not what I do! But now it has to be and I need to put on my big girl pants and change how I allow myself to be controlled and manipulated, it's terrifying until it? Xxx

MumLass · 04/07/2023 11:54

@userzH I ended my marriage a few months ago. My ex was also a keen user of the silent treatment. It is absolutely soul destroying. I used to follow him around begging to know what was wrong, what had I done. I would say I was sorry when I didn't even know what I was apologising for. I got to the point of living on eggshells around him for fear of triggering the next 'shut down'. During spells of silent treatment I would dream that he started talking to me again and I'd be so happy, then I'd wake up and realise I was still in 'emotional jail'. It's horrific, it is abusive and it will eat away at you until you lose all sight of your own needs. All I can say is, it's not you, it's him. No matter how hard you try to keep him happy it will never be enough. Sadly I say this from my own bitter experience.