Marriage is over. I know it needs to happen but I feel sick

[userzH]

Just that really. It needs to be over. Married almost 6 years. Left him coming up to 2 years ago. Tried to reconcile but not living together.

I got my own place about 9 months ago. I say it's my own place. It's actually my grandmothers house which she no longer lives in. However it was in desperate need of repairs and needed so much work doing to it.

ExH has done all the work on it. I've paid for everything but he's done the work free of charge. We planned on living separately still for a while but he would move in properly again in the next few months.

However the old him has been creeping back. He's currently giving me the silent treatment. Haven't seen him since yesterday or spoken to him since. He does this quite often and I hate it. There's always a build up to it. He gets really miserable and snappy with everyone. I walk on eggshells around him. I never know quite what I've done. Half the time I don't think it's me. He just takes it out on me. He has been under a lot of stress lately but one of the things I've said to him is that there will always be stress of some sort but we work through it together.

We have a son together and he's also like this with him too.

When he isn't here, life is calmer. But the thought of being without him isn't nice.

Like I say, he has been very stressed lately and there is a certain situation around him which has affected us both. I went out of my way at the weekend to do something kind of busy I thought would help. I got no appreciation from him at all

Sorry I know I'm rambling. I just have this awful sicky feeling in my stomach that i hate

I should also add, no matter how you try to protect the kids from it, it will affect them. I found myself trying to modify their behaviour to avoid triggering him (stay quiet, don't eat noisily, don't damage anything). I also have to admit to myself that the stress of trying to keep him happy meant I had little left for the kids. I had a short fuse as a result and they bore the brunt of that.

That's so painful to read, I'm glad you finally got out of that hellish marriage.

@clareangel very very similar experiences here. My parents wouldn't speak for such a long time - all my dads fault but the atmosphere was awful. I remember my dad once didn't speak to me for I think 2 weeks because I jokingly told him to shut up. I was a teenager at the time. I bought him chocolates to apologise after a few days to say sorry but he still didn't speak to me. Goodness....that was hard to write! Hit home! It's no wonder why I've ended up in this mess.

I wish you all the luck in the world. Every day I hope you will get stronger. Right now I think is the worst bit for us both because we are stuck in limbo. Conversations still need to be had. Things need to be moved out etc. But be strong. Stay no contact for now. We can stay in touch on here and keep each other updated if you would like too? Do you think he's trying to punish you with not speaking to you?

I text exH on Sunday basically telling him not to treat us like he does and I don't want any atmospheres in this new house. He didn't respond. He's going to have to contact me soon because he goes away in a couple of weeks and I have his passport. Thank goodness I'm not going!

So sorry. That's awful. How are you doing now? X

I'm ok @userzH . I didn't intend to hijack your thread, I just wanted to reassure you that you're not wrong. It isn't a healthy way to live. I think my exH is a narcissist. It's a word that is thrown around but in his case I do think it applies. He is incapable of dealing with emotion in an adult way. We were together for 19 years. He is NOW getting counselling and working on himself and his mental state but sadly it is too late (for me, he thinks differently but I'm not giving in). There were other aspects to our separation but looking back, I had more than enough reason to end it based on this treatment alone.

It will probably be a relief him going away? DH isn't stating far from here (dk address though) and I keep worrying he will turn up for more clothes etc, almost panics me! Sending you love and strength, yes please keep me updated, completely understand what you are going through lovely, my youngest is living at home after finishings uni and is working but a big support to me, unsure if he's heard from his dad and not asking, eldest lives away and very upset with their dad, trying not to involve them. Do you have friends or family to support you? So lucky to have great friends I'm going for lunch with later in week but I'm here for you any time, sending love xx

This rolled past on Instagram today and it reminded me of what you've said

https://www.instagram.com/reel/CuQEMOCr-Hy/?igshid=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==

Wow thank you. Safe to say it's not working....well today it isn't anyway. I feel a lot stronger today. But that's exactly it I think. What a sad way to act.

Watch this @clareange, see if it relates to you x

Oh it's ok, hijack away. Honestly it's good (but sad) to read other experiences.

I also believe my ex is a narcissist. My dad definitely is. But like you, it's a term thrown around so much these days.

However my therapist said 'narc' straight away. As did womens aid. As did the police when I had to call them once when things got really bad. Surely they aren't all wrong?

The same as you - he is incapable of dealing with anything in healthy sensible way. Or he tries but but fails miserably. I am very tuned into other peoples feelings and emotions (from being a huge people pleaser) so it's not something I find particularly difficult and I will automatically find ways to help or make things better. I completely understand not everyone is wired that way but there's no reason to be a total dick about absolutely everything is there?

I've also found im very good at predicating situations and what's going to happen. I knew last weekend was going to be a disaster. I tried my hardest to make sure it went as well as it could but exH still failed miserably

@clareangel yes, I am going away separately so will be apart for around 10 days.

I was actually sad at thought of being apart for that long when he booked his holiday but really didn't seem to care so that said a lot.

I'm glad you have a good support system! I hope you have a lovely lunch with your friends.

My mum is my main support system. She's absolutely lovely. But what I need her to say is 'get out of this now' but she won't. She suffered at the hands of my dad for 35 years and doesn't really recognise the abuse she went through. My dad was never violent. ExH has never been violent to me (though apparently has to other women). She would see that as abuse.

She likes Exh though she can see what he's like. Regardless, I tell her everything and she's a good person to talk too. I just wish she would have therapy herself.

He got in contact to say he wanted to collect some of his work tools. I panicked and left the house. Not seen him. Didn't want DS to see him as didn't think it was fair. Come to my mums while he's there. Feel physically sick.

Spoke on the phone. He was ok - said he would give me all my keys back.

Literally no idea what the hell I've done to deserve being treated like this.

Feel like I could throw up

How are you today @userzH ?

My grandmother was evil and dealt with any "slight" she perceived by not speaking, sulking and huffing. My mum, as an only child, bore the brunt of this and often my gran wouldn't speak to her for months or years over the most foolish things. My mum swore not to be like her mother and she is definitely WAY better but the seed is still there. I swore not to be like either of them and ended up dating sulkers. I'm 45 and I can finally see the pattern and in my latest relationship I informed the dude on date 1 that sulking wasn't an option and the first time he does it I will walk. We are 7 months in now and he has never sulked at me and I am really doing better with my people pleasing so I have hope.

Having divorced a sulker I recognise the confusion and sick anxious feelings. Honestly I am now 5 years past the divorce and I still feel uncomfortable if I have to say no to him or ask him to change plans. His sulking shouldn't bother me now but it still pushes my anxiety buttons.

Good luck in breaking free - it really is wonderful!

@userzH hope you're okay and hanging in there. One day you will look back and realise he wasn't worth your emotions

Your son is 4, he deserves better.

I left my husband with three kids around that age, best thing I ever did.

My kids are 14, 26 and 16 now and I've never looked back.

Thank you to those who have checked in on me, really appreciate that.

Last night it was all over - his words.

This morning it was 'let's try again and really make it work'

However as usual, there was no apology. He just says 'this is how I am'

Nothing to say he's actually willing to change.

And the worst part - when I tell him how much it hurts me that he just ignores me for days when I don't see him or speak to him, his reply is 'I'm not doing anything to you'.

He refuses to acknowledge that his actions are hurtful to me. He says he does it to have time to think. He needs to think what is best. Instead of communicating with me, his wife. He thinks it's acceptable to bugger off to his mums and ignore me for 3 days.

That being said, it doesn't actually bother me when he does ignore me. I used to absolutely hate it, I'd have the worst anxiety.

Now, it's not nice. I still don't like it but I don't lose any sleep over it.

He turned up out of the blue at tea time. Only for 5 minutes to swap vehicles. DS then wanted to go with him and threw a bit of a paddy - obviously as he hasn't seen his dad properly in days! ExH got annoyed with him and turned to me and said 'I thought you said he was being good lately?'

He was until you turned up! Honestly, he knows what DS can be like. There was no need to come in if it was just for a few minutes. DS then cried for the next 10 minutes, refused to eat his tea and went to bed very unhappy.

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He sent me a text not long ago asking what I'm doing so I replied with im going to bed.

He replied with 'do you want me to come and join you?

No I don't. Why does he even think I'd be up for sharing a bed with him after what he's put me through the last few days?

Can anyone explain why he is like this?

It's surely not me being over sensitive?

You're definitely not being over sensitive. He sounds very 'push me, pull me'. Men like that will push you away with bad behaviour then try and pull you close with love bombing. And then gaslight you when you won't play the game!

Yeah I'm guessing he's sulking again now. He replied with 'we never get any time together'.

He just say's whatever fits at that moment

He sounds like he is a has narcissistic traits with an anxious avoidant attachment style. He pushes you away, then panics when he sees that you are pulling away from him. If you look at his parents, how was his relasionship with them as a child? Might explain things. However, this does not excuse him. He is responsible for his actions. You have tried but you are going to have to cut the strings on this relationship, as hard as that is.

*relationship

Umm have you taken your bank details off the gambling site and blocked it on your account?? Do that NOW. You have children to pay for , on your own. You can’t afford to support this man’s gambling, not to mention he could get mad at you and blow £££ as revenge. Do this before you say we are done.

Now I'm getting more texts that it's over from him...:

Yes I've been told he is a narcissist and he does hold many traits.

His childhood was very traumatic. None of his siblings are settled either. The only one that seems happy is his sister who lives alone. Her ex abused her. Her brothers (exH included) are all abusers