Age gap, do I tell him now or after first date?

[Cherryblossom200]

Hello!

I recently met someone on holiday, it was in a bar with friends - we were all a bit drunk but there was a good connection and we've been chatting ever since we got home.

There's a lot we've got in common, but the main thing is there is an age gap. He is 39 (my mates googled him 🤣) and I'm 47. We both have children, so the having kids thing shouldn't be an issue. We've not discussed the age thing yet, I'm wondering if I should tell him now or during the date. To see if we actually like each other after meeting again. I'm ok with the age gap, but he might not be which is fair enough.

Also he has a high powered job, I'm just a regular person. He knows that and doesn't seem to be an issue, but I'm wondering long term if that will work. Financially we are total opposites, I have a good job but his earnings are well above the average salary 😂

I don't know whether to just leave it...🤷‍♀️

But I genuinely look about 10 years younger than I actually am. I'm not saying that in an egotistical way 😂 I just have young features and I'm petite. I've always attracted younger guys! So I think he really thinks slim around his age or a year or two older.

It's MN tradition not to believe that people don't always look their age. So I'm not sure how much empathy you'll get with that.

But, honestly, if he likes you and he fancies you, why would a few years matter? You're past the childbearing thing. It's just a number.

Can you let us know how your date goes OP? Always enjoy a mumsnet romance (or dodgy date tale 😅)

My previous bf was 10 years younger. Ended it after 4 years when I was 52, and it was nothing to do with age. Stop thinking you're not good enough, you absolutely are!

Why are you talking about salary with a near-stranger?

That's really not a massive age gap. I don't imagine he'll be bothered about it, and if it does bother him, he probably wasn't that interested to start with.

It sounds like you're in similar places in life, which is more important than actual age.

Since it's causing you some concern, I'd bring it up during the first date, but just very casually. As I said I really don't think he'll think it's a big deal.

My partner is 12 years younger than me he's 40, and I'm early 50s. I look younger though. I also generally have more energy than him.
Neither of us have kids, and it's not an issue. If it ever becomes one, I'll deal with it then. Injust can't be bothered to worry about what ifs in my life!
Good luck OP enjoy your date. I hope you really like each other and it works out.

Yeah its weird.

Be careful he isn't love bombing you op.

Or, trying to make out you're doing so well for yourself by dating him and should be grateful for his time no matter how shit he acts.

I think up to about 10 years is no biggie whatsoever. Over that means sometimes very different life stages especially when very young. My mate is remarrying a guy who is 8 years younger than her in the autumn, they are very well suited and outlook he is already way older than her.

It sounds like you're in similar places in life, which is more important than actual age.

So true.

I can't imagine a youthful looking 47 year old guy worrying about how to disclose his age to a 39 year old woman / potential date!

Jeande, yes you are so right, we have almost identical relationship histories.

But I'm also not investing much at all at this stage.

Hopefully we're meeting this week, I don't want to drag it out if neither of us is interested. He messages all the time which is great, but also I'm not sure if it's too much if we don't know one another 😬

Maybe he’s fibbing on his profile about how young he is op!

Pink Bon Bon, to set the record straight he hasn't told me what is salary is 😳 I would never ask and if he disclosed it on a night out Id be running in the other direction 😂😂

It's easy to work out he is a high earner by his job. It's one of the top jobs (on paper) out there, so it's a no brainier.

I'm 10 years older than my DH. He thought we were roughly the same age when we first met.

It's no big deal. I didn't want kids, he already had one.

Go for it and see what happens. Most men are not going to have an issue with it. It is an insecurity a lot of women have.

Go on the date. Sounds like the kids issue is a non issue, so no need for a big warning there.

DH is 9 years younger than me.

8 years isn’t much of an age gap really once you’re in your 30s and 40s… my bf is 7 years older than me and it never even occurred to me that it was much of an age gap! Obviously if it was 17 and 25 it might be a bit more of an issue… and he’s the one who has assumed you are closer to his age (if he even has, he might have no idea how old you are!). When it comes up in the “how old are you?” conversation at some point, which I’m sure it will, then obviously be honest but I don’t think it needs announcement before or after the date 🤷‍♀️ is there any chance he has had a little online stalk of you and knows your age anyway? If so you might be worried about nothing! Hope it all works out 🙂

I can’t tell from your posts- did you actually hook up on holiday ie kiss or more?

I’m asking because if there is tried and tested sexual attraction there already that makes the whole thing a lot easier.
I’m 5 years older than my husband. He’s cool with that. Women usually outlive men anyway so it evens out in the end.

You haven't misled him, you're attracted, it's only the second date! And 8 years is not a significant gap. As you talk about things like school, children's programmes, memories it will naturally come out in conversation anyway. Don't worry.

We had a kiss, but that's is. Held hands etc. it was all lovely and nothing too over the top. But obviously the connection is somewhat there.

Usually I’m against age gaps but I don’t think it’s a problem at all in your case. You’re eight years older. That’s fine. Especially given his and your respective ages, you’re both mature, he’s not 18 or 24 or 32, he’s 39, and you both have children around the same age. Tell him on the first date in person and don’t make a big deal of it. That way he will know but it doesn’t seem like it should factor in to anything. Have fun!

You've only just met, it's just very casual social acquaintance, not a commitment. It's hardly even qualified as a friendship yet. You don't need to know if it will be "longterm".

The qualifications for real friendship are not age, income, status. Yours or his.

This. Don't make more of it than it is. No one should be disclosing personal details to a relative stranger.

I'd go on the date, I don't think that's a massive age gap when the younger person is mid 30s onwards. Age gaps matter when life experience just doesn't match up imo. I also know a few couples with similar gap who seem very happy!