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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH problems

75 replies

Mama678 · 03/07/2023 07:25

been together a long time. I’ve expressed to him that I'm just not happy anymore and want to split up.

another weekend spent watching him drink. Yesterday he had a few drinks and burnt dinner. He was in a bad mood. Burnt dinner no doubt as he was too preoccupied with drinking. His mate popped round so they were sat outside for a bit. Anyway, theres a constant elephant in the room situation which is splitting up. He doesnt want to and cant get his head around that i do. Why dont i want to continue to watch him drink near enough daily, do all the parenting because he cba, pay for more stuff because hes skint apparently?! Anyway, ive said about splitting up. This is not a rash decision on my side as ive been considering this around 2 years. Hes been aware for 2 years. Mainly around his drinking, if anything i think he drinks more now but im wondering if that’s because he’s depressed/wont face the issue. He seems in complete denial about the amount hes drinking and its not good for the kids to see. He’s arguing he wont stop drinking and basically its his right to do what he wants as he works all week and he loves a drink on a weekend. I get that absolutely. Ive stopped drinking because someone needs to be in control and up early on weekends for driving to clubs. He holds my non drinking against me saying because i dont drink i think everyone is an alcoholic who drinks. Not true.

yesterday we were already discussing the alcohol issues, he then pulled a black dinner out the oven and then proceeded to tell me to fuck off, fuck this, fuck that etc etc. our youngest came down the stairs. I asked him to stop but he carried on talking to me in that way. He was on his 7th can by this point. He says he drinks no more than anyone else. Hes not going to give up drinking etc. im wrong for calling out his drinking and he doesnt agree to splitting up and wont move on

i cant go on like this

OP posts:
QueensBees · 14/07/2023 08:52

He is carrying on with the manipulation.
Trying to make you feel guilty and blaming it all on you.

And because you are the one who instigated tte split, it’s quite easy fury I’m to do that isn’t it?

Youll have to just keep at it as a broken record….

Have you agreed on a date of WHEN he is moving out? Is he doing anything about it?

billy1966 · 14/07/2023 08:57

Stay strong OP, you and your children need this selfish loser gone.

You will have a lovely holiday.

Don't allow him to manipulate you.

SapatSea · 14/07/2023 09:15

Make it clear that he needs to move out while you are away.
Could your parents or siblings/a friend offer you help with a deposit/first months rent etc. on a new place if he won't budge?
Would you meet the credit referencing checks on a new place?
Check if you would be entitled to any extra help as a single parent ( e.g. council tax single person discount, watersure scheme, UC top up etc).
Get yourself on any and all housing association and council lists for the future. Would his parents come and get him out for the sake of the DC?
If he won't budge and you cant leave just yet then stop servicing him - no laundry, no meals etc.
He is the one making it difficult for the DC so don't feel guilty about not "looking after" their dad.

Fraaahnces · 14/07/2023 09:20

Remind him that parental alienation is a crime and diarise what he has said and undoubtedly will continue to come up with. If he sees you taking actual notes, he might can it.

readbooksdrinktea · 14/07/2023 09:27

Fraaahnces · 14/07/2023 09:20

Remind him that parental alienation is a crime and diarise what he has said and undoubtedly will continue to come up with. If he sees you taking actual notes, he might can it.

This.

He sounds like a selfish fucker.

Original poster
Mama678 · 14/07/2023 10:15

Well one of the reasons he kicked off last night was because, as it was last day of term id taken the youngers to get a burger as a treat. I had a small one too. I then collected oldest with his mate who was staying over and on the way home had picked up a pizza for them. I wasn’t hungry but there was stuff in the fridge/freezer also to eat. Anyway, DH then starts moaning that “oh great so youve had burgers, theyve got pizza and what do i have for tea?” I said im sure he could sort his own tea out (this is after him coming in later on 8pm from having been in the pub with a friend). I had to tell him to be quiet and stop being so angry as the kids and friend were upstairs/around the house. It was embarrassing. But no f-ing and blinding he carried on. I just didnt engage but just kept hearing little digs in the background

yes i will keep a note of all the digs and parent alienation. It really doesn’t have to be like this. Im just being normal and calm. I get hes angry and worried about his future but hes also had two bloody years to think this through….I’ve hardly sprang it on him

OP posts:
Original poster
Mama678 · 14/07/2023 10:16

*picked up a frozen shop bought pizza, nothing fancy 🤦🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
pointythings · 14/07/2023 10:29

Sadly this is going to be life until he goes. These are the rantings of a powerless man who has been found out. He has nothing else. You have taken back your power and he hates it. Do diarist his alienation attempts as suggested. And stand strong, do what is best for you and your DC. He no longer matters.

SapatSea · 14/07/2023 11:12

He's an alcoholic and abusive to you. Every time he goads you tell him in a low voice "dont speak to me like that" and leave the room. He either knows he is now on borrowed time or thinks you will never carry through with your threat to split. Your poor DS, having a friend round and your H carrying on like that! Your H needs to leave - make it happen - stuff by the door, parents arranged to come and collect their son.

Original poster
Mama678 · 14/07/2023 17:26

Just found two empty large beer bottles behind a drawer unit in the bedroom. Must have been part of what he drank last night. Why hide it?

DH called me earlier, back to normal likeable person. He cant see he’s horrible when had a drink. Im going to ask him to move his stuff out whilst were away. I’ve actually spoken to the letting agency who have checked and are happy to change the tenancy over to my name and remove him from next month. Just need to sign the document

OP posts:
pointythings · 14/07/2023 19:58

Just found two empty large beer bottles behind a drawer unit in the bedroom. Must have been part of what he drank last night. Why hide it?

This is what alcoholics do. They have to hide it because if they didn't, they would have to admit there is a problem. It's as much about him deceiving himself as deceiving you. I realise you are focusing on getting him out of the house and off the tenancy and that is absolutely the right thing to do, but once you are settled into life without him, do seek out some support for yourself so you can talk to people who have been there and validate your feelings. You can also pm me if you ever want to talk, I've been where you are now and I'm always happy to support a fellow traveller.

HarrietStyles · 15/07/2023 13:20

Amazing news that they have agreed to you continuing the tenancy on your own @Mama678 👏🏽 One step closer to your new stress-free life without him. I cannot believe that he still expects you to be making dinner for him when he rocks home from the pub, he really doesn’t believe you are leaving him does he? And he isn’t AT ALL trying hard to be a better person to win you back over! Keep firm, keep telling him that the relationship is over, you have made the decision and he needs to be moved out by X date.

Silvered · 15/07/2023 18:57

Good luck OP, you are doing the right thing.

Tell his family members that you aren't going to discuss the divorce with them, but that if they love their son/nephew/brother/cousin, then they should encourage him to get help because he is an alcoholic. And that if they lived with him they would quickly realise this themselves.

Have you got some friends or family that can come round when it's time for him to leave, so that you aren't alone - in case he turns nasty?

I'd also change the locks on the house. Your LL should be fine with this as long as you give them a key.

Silvered · 15/07/2023 18:58

Oh and grey rock with him. Don't react and don't engage.

If he complains about not going somewhere with you, say that it's time for you both to start making your own arrangements because you are getting divorced. Rinse and repeat.

Original poster
Mama678 · 15/07/2023 23:03

Today has been rather difficult. Hes been laying on thick about coming on holiday with us tomorrow, making me feel really bad for saying no. Tried to rope the kids in but to be fair, they said “we dont want you to come because all youll do is drink” he was most put out, then said “oh mums been putting words into your head has she” i said no, they have eyes and see things for themselves, which is the truth, ive never put words into their mouths.

anyway, he’s currently downstairs alternating between cans of Stella and glasses of red wine 🤦🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
Original poster
Mama678 · 15/07/2023 23:04

pointythings · 14/07/2023 19:58

Just found two empty large beer bottles behind a drawer unit in the bedroom. Must have been part of what he drank last night. Why hide it?

This is what alcoholics do. They have to hide it because if they didn't, they would have to admit there is a problem. It's as much about him deceiving himself as deceiving you. I realise you are focusing on getting him out of the house and off the tenancy and that is absolutely the right thing to do, but once you are settled into life without him, do seek out some support for yourself so you can talk to people who have been there and validate your feelings. You can also pm me if you ever want to talk, I've been where you are now and I'm always happy to support a fellow traveller.

Thank you I appreciate you reaching out x

OP posts:
billy1966 · 16/07/2023 06:44

Well done for holding firm.

What a thing for your children to say!

They know exactly what he is like.

They would clearly prefer he doesn't join you.

Needapadlockonmyfridge · 16/07/2023 07:15

Stay strong OP,
It will be worth it and you and your kids will be so much better off without him at home.

pilates · 16/07/2023 07:31

You sound a strong woman and fwiw you are 💯 doing the right thing. Let’s hope he packs his things and leaves while you are away but it doesn’t sound like he will. Perhaps speak to his parents and say can they help him move out? Your poor children will be in a much better place once he has gone.

Bunnie007 · 16/07/2023 07:46

I don’t really have any advice but just wanted to say well done (hope that doesn’t sound patronising). His behaviour in response to you trying to separate shows that you are making the right decision! Even when he is sober he doesn’t seem to be engaging in a rational discussion about the situation and that’s just not ok. Also his behaviour around the children sounds really unacceptable with the swearing etc and he doesn’t seem to recognise this either. Hopefully he will get the help he needs and recover but you have to do what’s best for you and the children.

LadyLolaRuben · 16/07/2023 08:38

Enjoy your holiday OP. Look forward to having just your name on the tenancy!

Original poster
Mama678 · 16/07/2023 09:14

Bunnie007 · 16/07/2023 07:46

I don’t really have any advice but just wanted to say well done (hope that doesn’t sound patronising). His behaviour in response to you trying to separate shows that you are making the right decision! Even when he is sober he doesn’t seem to be engaging in a rational discussion about the situation and that’s just not ok. Also his behaviour around the children sounds really unacceptable with the swearing etc and he doesn’t seem to recognise this either. Hopefully he will get the help he needs and recover but you have to do what’s best for you and the children.

This is it, during the day when he is not drinking, he has every opportunity to sit me down to talk etc but he doesn’t. He’s just grumpy almost waiting for me to say, ah don’t worry, lets stay together! Thanks for all of your support, apprehensive about the holiday but onwards and upwards x

OP posts:
pointythings · 16/07/2023 09:30

The holiday without him is going to be an eye opener. Just do everything you can to not carry him around in your head the whole time - you're there to find out what life without him would feel like.

I still remember our first holiday without mine - he left two days in because he said I was being 'controlling' about his drinking (after he had necked a full bottle of whisky on each day and I said I wouldn't be driving to the shop to get him more - he didn't drive).

DDs and I had the most amazing, fun, peaceful, happy two weeks without him.

billy1966 · 16/07/2023 19:44

OP,

I would absolutely repeat to his parents what your child said about him only drinking on holiday and not wanting him to come because of it.

Their reaction will be telling.

If they dismiss it, you can clearly take from it they do not care about their grandchildren.

OP, I mean this kindly but you need to realise that your eldest undoubtedly feels huge shame that his father is such a disgusting abusive alcoholic.

You can be sure his friends and their parents probably know your husband is alcoholic scum.

Shame is a terrible burden for children to carry.

Tell the grandparents if they care at all for their grandchildren, they will encourage their alcoholic abusive son to leave.

His children do not want him in the home.
They don't want to go on holiday with him.

This says everything.

Sunnydaysaredefhere · 17/07/2023 10:44

I hope you are on holiday now with dc op. You are a grown up! They are your dc.. Of course you will more than manage!
Enjoy. And maybe block him for the entire trip...

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